Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Holding]

Regarding TO, I have been wondering too... Last I recall, she was dealing with the hurricane in Florida... I think... A while back Leahsue had commented that she was worried that she had not heard from her...

I think it was TO who actually met up with someone else here IRL, but I don't remember who that was. Maybe Leahsue? The reason I thought about TO in the first place was I remember her WH found her copy of DB at the house. I don't recall much fallout from that in her sitch, but I could be wrong.

Regarding reading your threads, if our XW's are trying so hard to get away from us, why would they cyber stalk us?

Well, you're using a logical mindset here, which I can tell you, doesn't apply to my XW. She can't stand it when other people think badly of her. A few years ago, she had a falling out with a friend, cut all contact with her, and blocked her on social media. Then a year later she tried to unblock the ex-friend, just to see what was going on in her life. She didn't want to re-connect with the friend, she was just nosy. Curiosity will get the better of her again. Unfortunately, I think she'll use my kids as her spies. Poor guys.

Random stuff:

I met with my IC yesterday. My new insurance situation has made the price for this double, so I'll probably have to cut back a bit on going. I do feel like I'm starting to leave the tunnel I've been in since BD. I mostly talked about issues relating to the kids. I miss the family unit and the comforts of married life. I don't find myself missing XW, except for the physical aspect. I really struggle to come up with happy memories of our R. But that may be the result of where I am mentally, at the moment.

I realize commitment and loyalty are major parts of my personality. For those who've been following my sitch and wondering why I stuck it out with XW for so long, those traits are the reason. It all boils down to the fact that I made a promise - "Till death do us part". If she hadn't filed, I might have stuck it out until we died old and miserable.

It's tempting to look at my sense of commitment and loyalty as the reason this happened. It's tempting to want to do a 180 on those traits. But that just feels wrong, and it would turn me into an a$$hole. These are good traits and I just need to be a lot more selective in applying them. I shouldn't let a bad person turn me into one too.

I find I do a lot of monologuing when I'm at the house by myself. It helps me clear my head and dump the remaining negativity somewhere.

Once the D is final, I guess I'll be moving on to the "Surviving the Big D" forum, but I'll still check in on the Newcomers forum.

[TBSakaJ9]

It's tempting to look at my sense of commitment and loyalty as the reason this happened. It's tempting to want to do a 180 on those traits. But that just feels wrong, and it would turn me into an a$$hole. These are good traits and I just need to be a lot more selective in applying them.

If you read the book Hold Onto Your Nuts it is all about establishing your non-negotiable items for yourself. If this is who you are as a person and it is one of your NUTS then don't change a thing.

Maybe it didn't work out with your STBXW but maybe you next R will be with a woman who was cheated on by her husband and those qualities would something she desires.

[Accuray]

I realize commitment and loyalty are major parts of my personality.

Most things in life are a ying/yang, light side and dark side.

The light side of staying in a bad relationship are a devotion to commitment and loyalty.

The dark side of staying in a bad relationship are complacency, fear of change, fear of conflict, and fear of being alone.

The light side is great, the dark side not so much.

As someone who has been divorced for several years now and has had new relationships, the benefit of divorce is that you learn it's completely survivable, so fear of change and fear of being alone are greatly diminished.

Personally I think that's why second marriage success statistics are worse than first marriage success statistics, people are simply less afraid to leave a second marriage that is not working for them -- assuming they've done the work, is that a bad thing?

Although loyalty and commitment are great traits, I'd love to see you focus on getting comfortable with conflict, and being proactive about stating your needs and standing by your non-negotiables.

That will make you MUCH happier regardless of who you're with.

You're doing great Holding, hang in there!

Acc

[Holding]

If you read the book Hold Onto Your Nuts it is all about establishing your non-negotiable items for yourself. If this is who you are as a person and it is one of your NUTS then don't change a thing.

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll pick this book up soon, since I've seen a lot of recommendations for it

Maybe it didn't work out with your STBXW but maybe you next R will be with a woman who was cheated on by her husband and those qualities would something she desires.

I can see that happening. But I want to be more than the "safe" guy. Once upon a time I settled for being that. Not any more.

The dark side of staying in a bad relationship are complacency, fear of change, fear of conflict, and fear of being alone.

Acc, you have a really great insight on things. Yes, guilty as charged. Except maybe not so much on the fear of being alone. I was never one who HAD to be in a R when I was younger. I went long periods without dating anyone, but I will admit I was LOOKING for someone.

As someone who has been divorced for several years now and has had new relationships, the benefit of divorce is that you learn it's completely survivable, so fear of change and fear of being alone are greatly diminished.

Personally I think that's why second marriage success statistics are worse than first marriage success statistics, people are simply less afraid to leave a second marriage that is not working for them -- assuming they've done the work, is that a bad thing?

That makes sense. I hope you're right. I'd like to think I'll have the good sense to use a better filter while dating this time, to make sure I pick a better partner. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up too much for making a bad choice last time - 19 years is a long time.

It's tempting to see myself as somehow broken now and maybe not good enough to make a M successful. But ... I have earned the right to look myself in the mirror and say that I tried everything I could to save this M. That's what DB'ing has given me.

Although loyalty and commitment are great traits, I'd love to see you focus on getting comfortable with conflict, and being proactive about stating your needs and standing by your non-negotiables.

Yes, I do need to work on those. Not just in my R's, but in life in general.

You're doing great Holding, hang in there!

Thanks!

[Holding]

Things are trucking along for me. My head continues to clear with the distance from XW.

Our primary means of communication is the website we agreed to use. Things are going ok on that front. It is what it is.

I have to physically interact with her maybe twice a week. For a while she stayed in her car when she came to the house for dropoff or pickup, but the last few times she's come up to the door.

I did have a down moment this morning. For some reason, the day we told the kids about the D popped into my head. I can see it's going to take a while for that particular pain to go away. How XW was able to sit there stone faced, I'll never understand.

D decree has still not been accepted by XW's L, as far as I'm aware. Our mediation was almost 20 days ago, and I figured we'd have moved this along by now. The delay is annoying.

Last weekend I treated myself to a wardrobe update. I'm working on improving my appearance more. I also need to be more consistent with working out, but it's rough in the weeks I have the kids.

I'm thinking more about my future, new goals, and the possibility of new R's. But the idea of another M frankly scares the sh!t out of me.

[Accuray]

Sounds like you're doing as well as can be expected my friend -- time heals all wounds.

I'm thinking more about my future, new goals, and the possibility of new R's. But the idea of another M frankly scares the sh!t out of me.

No rush. You said yourself you don't *need* to be in a relationship so just enjoy some time to yourself for a while. When you do start dating, take it slowly and do NOT jump into a relationship quickly, give yourself time to date many people and just enjoy that experience for a while.

If the need for a longer term relationship emerges you'll know, but there's no need to rush anything, life is too short.

Keep working out, focus on getting the D formalized, and enjoy your boys.

Acc

[Holding]

Thanks, Acc. So life is too short to rush? Got it

XW Drama:

Remember how I've been saying I'm tired of the negativity and have been trying to start this new arrangement on a positive note? Well, that is coming back to bite me in the @ss.

She signed S10 up for a camping trip on a weekend when I have possession of him. She discussed this with him, got him hyped up for it, signed him up, paid for it, and then informed me after the fact. She will be going with him. At the time, I figured it would just hurt him if I said no since it was said and done, and I would look like the bad guy to him, so I agreed (foolish of me and my NGS tendencies, I know). As I thought more about it, it started upsetting me more that she had basically stolen a weekend with S10 from under me.

So I responded and asked her to have S10 spend the previous weekend with me. She refused because she didn't want to split up the kids. I responded that it was unfortunate she couldn't agree, and I reminded her I'd made concessions for her already (moved a dinner to a different night for her, watched her dogs for a weekend, not to mention the times she's ignored the agreed upon dropoff and pickup times). She responded saying she would not agree to swap weekends.

Then, she responded again telling me: to keep my emotions, accusations, and niceties out of our correspondence; this will be treated as a business transaction from this point forward; we are not and never will be friends.

XW, if you're reading this, I've tried to be positive with you in hopes that we can be amicable "coparents". I know I was angry with you for a long time - how was I not supposed to be? I wanted an intact family and to spare our kids from this pain.

But now the M is dead, it's in the past, and we have to give our kids a decent life in the aftermath of all this. You've shown you're only willing to compromise when it suits you. You take advantage of me at every opportunity you get.

You've been talking to the kids about how you have to pay for medical expenses and S10 is constantly bombarding me with how unfair it is that only mommy pays. I haven't spoken ill of you or badmouthed you a single time. I've only ever told them the D was your decision, it's not what I wanted, and I tried to stop it. I never badmouthed you to our kids. So please, stop badmouthing me and complaining that I somehow scr3wed you.

Every time I've tried to be accommodating, understanding, forgiving, and positive - EVERY TIME - it's come back to bite me. Like a sucker, I keep hoping somewhere in you there's still a decent person, someone that can let the anger go and just MOVE FORWARD.

WX, go enjoy your life with OM or whoever. I hope he can make you happy and give you the things I couldn't. Maybe he can fill the hole in you that I've had to stare at for the last 21 years. Be a good mom to our kids. Quit raging at them and accept them for the imperfect, loving kids they are. Grow as a person.

Fellow DB'ers, if you ever see me considering being nice to my XW again, please smack me with 2x4's until I'm unconscious.

H out

[Accuray]

Holding,

That's your weekend. Schedule a different activity to do with your sons that is equal to or better than the camping trip and tell everyone you're doing that instead.

Acc

[artista]

she says she doesn't want to split the kids... but isn't she doing that by having son go on the camping trip? Maybe you can take the kids on one of her future weekends--and not the previous weekend... what if you signed up the kids for something on her weekend? how would she react? btw--i would continue being nice as far as niceties go... she can't dictate that...

[Holding]

Thanks for the feedback Acc and Artista! Being polite is something I'll continue to do. But I'll also be firm about my time with the kids.

After no response from me on the issue all day, XW sent me a response asking if I wanted a schedule change for the weekend swap. Before I was able to respond, she sent another message asking "Are we going to switch weekends or not?" Like a spoiled kid being forced to cooperate So we agreed on the weekend swap. And it's done. I wonder who got to her.

(FYI, all of these messages are happening on the website we use to communicate with each other. It is viewable by the court if the case is ever revisited)

Life, I'm ready for the next hurdle.