New LBS - need advice

[Cadet]

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist suggested my wife may have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Let me caution you here.
MLC can mimic bipolar or BPD or other mental illnesses.

To answer the question of how it helps you asked above the better question is how did you end up marrying a person like this?
What can you change about yourself to not be in a relationship like this again?

Only example I can use is myself.
My mother was bipolar and so to avoid repeating that I
married someone that was depressed.
Not a very good 180.....for me.

[Maika]

Detachment isn't flipping a switch or something that happens overnight or a week or so. Detachment is a process and it will take time. All you have to do is commit to a process to get towards detachment. If you keep focusing on the outcome - detachment - and not on the process, you're significantly increasing your detachment timeline.

I am six-seven months past BD and still on my detachment path. So, don't sweat it. Just trust in the process. And the process that I like is this.

1. GAL - what are things that you like to do? Do them! What are some things that you wanted to try or just interest you generally? Go try them!

2. Keep the focus only on YOU and your goals. What are you personal, professional, health, etc goals? Write them out and develop a plan. Prioritize and tackle them one by one. Don't overwhelm yourself with trying to do everything at once - you will not be able to do it and you're just sabotaging yourself. Take it slow and have patience.

3. Don't beat yourself up if thoughts about W come up. Just take an observer approach. See what the thoughts are and sit with it and then let it pass. Don't push it under the rug or sweep it away. Allow yourself to feel the discomfort and sit with it - this will build your resilience and the thoughts will no longer have power over you.

I can't emphasize this more - but trust the PROCESS over the OUTCOME. Enjoy the process. Invite it as you are improving yourself and committed to personal growth.

Detachment will follow. Exercise self-compassion and don't beat yourself up.

[apothem]

Well, the therapist I'm working in specializes in BPD, bipolar, etc., specifically in relationships. She's confident that if we can get my wife to attend a session with me that she could help us.

Regardless of that, I'm still working on moving forward. I started reading again and have been actively engaged with friends without talking about my situation.

[Cadet]

She's confident that if we can get my wife to attend a session with me that she could help us.

There is the rub, in my opinion it is unlikely that this will happen.
Most are in DENIAL,
its not their fault its YOUR fault, blah, blah, blah.

The old me would want to try to FIX them,
now I realize that will not work.

[apothem]

Yeah, I hear you. I'm just not willing to give up quite yet. I'm going to continue moving forward, but will also heed to the advice of my therapist. If we can't get her to come to therapy then I will continue to go and learn some coping mechanisms, etc.

[MoveFrwd]

Who said anything about 'giving up'?

Stop trying to be Mr. Fix-It. YOU cant be in charge of fixing HER problems. She has to have the internal drive to want to be a better person to take on that therapy activity. Otherwise, you are just pushing her farther away.

"I went to your stupid therapy and it didnt help. See? I tried everything! Divorce is the only option."

I would strongly advise against trying to get her to go to counseling with you at this time. Focus on YOU.

[Cadet]

Who said anything about 'giving up'?

Stop trying to be Mr. Fix-It. YOU cant be in charge of fixing HER problems. She has to have the internal drive to want to be a better person to take on that therapy activity. Otherwise, you are just pushing her farther away.

"I went to your stupid therapy and it didnt help. See? I tried everything! Divorce is the only option."

I would strongly advise against trying to get her to go to counseling with you at this time. Focus on YOU.

Agreed ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[apothem]

Thank you Amoafwl and Cadet, I really appreciate the input and that does make sense when you phrase it that way. I hadn't considered that.

I do think she is moving forward with the divorce and will be filing soon. Sadly, in our state she can forgo the 90 day waiting period because we agree on all issues. This means our divorce will go through rather quickly.

Now, I understand it doesn't necessarily mean it's the end as I personally know people who reconciled after the divorce was finalized.

[apothem]

I have an honest question - I was talking to a mutual friend of ours about our situation and he wishes to buy my wife DR. It wouldn't be the first time he has bought a book for her or me. He really believes in marriage, especially ours. Would this be a bad idea? I told him to hold off until I received some input.

[Parkema]

Apothem,

DR is for you I feel the board will categorically suggest to you to keep it close to your chest. Once things become right between you then use it to better your future R.

Mark.