Just checking in. I've been married now for about six weeks. We had no Whack-a-Mole exes pop up before the wedding, thankfully. I have noticed that my ex-H has pulled way back on his communication with me. I don't know if he's trying to be respectful and give me some space to be with my new husband, or if there's something else going on. I'm probably going to have to say something soon, because he is relying on our 10 year old to tell me things like when he is going out of town for work, when really he should be communicating with me directly about things like that. But, I don't really give him (or at least, current him) much thought these days -- it's easy to forget he even exists when I can go a week without hearing from him.
The past version of him still haunts me, though. It's amazing how much the scars from that relationship affect how I interact with my H. I realized the other day that I still live like I am hanging by a thread, when I have absolutely no reason to feel that way. Raising an issue feels like exposing a vulnerability: my H might resent me for not being easier to live with, or worse, if he fails to show concern for my feelings, he'll be indicating that he doesn't really want to be in this relationship anymore but he's taking the coward's way out. It's so hard not to hold him accountable for someone else's mistakes.
I'm also realizing how much better I can be at caretaking. For example, today I was dropping the kids off at school. My daughter's drop-off is much later than the others, and she was upset about something, so I took her to Panera for a treat. I literally never would have thought to get something for my ex-H in that type of situation when we were married -- I just expected him to take care of himself, and vice versa. But my H is so thoughtful in that regard. After I placed our order, I went back and got something for him. And he really did appreciate it.
I am worried that his need for spending time together vastly exceeds mine, and may even be stretching my limits. It is not too much of an exaggeration to say that I literally cannot go to the bathroom by myself. One night last week, I was stressed from work and kids and the upside-down-ness of our house, and I made time for myself to take a bath ... but as soon as I was settled in the tub, H came in to sit and talk with me. I really struggle in those situations to say, "I love you and I love spending time with you, but I really just need to be alone right now." (See above: how raising an issue feels like exposing a vulnerability.)
This sounds really melancholic as I read it back to myself, but I don't feel sad. I love my husband. We have so much fun together, we share the same values, our kids are each other's kids, we are a family and, in time, it will feel like this is the life we have always lived. My first marriage already feels like it happened to someone else. I was sorting through some old things the other night and came across a shoebox of memorabilia from my first wedding. I showed H a couple of things and he gave me a big frown (i.e., the face he makes when he's being sympathetic) and I realized that I felt not one little shred of sadness or nostalgia or ANYTHING about those items. I saved some of them because I thought that my daughter might enjoy going through them when she's older but ... they are just things that happened to me, no more significant to my personal history than a movie I saw, or a book I read. And I'm totally ok with that.
