Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 12, D on hold

[PsySara]

Honestly I feel I've tried every single thing to turn this around. DBing is about making yourself a better person that only a fool would leave. I've marinated in the teachings, one thing is for sure, the board describes very different techniques than the books and videos. I've tempered my anger, worked on my gentleness and openness (these are all 180s for me) and buttoned my lips when my impulse is to verbally lash out. I've followed the guidance of my DBing coach and even he seems to have run out of ideas in the end. I haven't even used my last session because the advice and guidance was becoming repetitive.

I went back over my old notes and find I am following the guidelines for "influencing" my husband to turn back towards our marriage. I've kept the road paved back home and he just sits at the end of the street not moving towards me. I've read a dozen books, hundreds of threads and postings, watched videos and been receptive to change within myself. I've faced some hard truths about myself and worked on them. I am SO ANGRY at myself for choosing this man to father my children. I chose him because I thought he was one of the most honest, loyal, faithful and kind people I had ever met. He is unrecognizable to me now. I know we aren't supposed to file until we feel neutral about it but I am furious and it's starting to effect me again. I don't know why I am posting, I just feel so...despondent.