Last night, H and I watched an hour of the marriage breakthrough tapes. H was falling asleep so I stopped it. He actually pouted. He wanted so badly to please me and watch more, but I told him we would do it later, that sleep is important also. He said we will watch more tonight.
Before watching, I was in a grumpy mood. H did what he could to bring me out of it. Hugging me lots. It was so nice. I let him know several times that he was my knight who had saved me from a grumpy night. That he cheered me up like no one else could. He smiled at me many times.
This a.m. he got up before we could ML. He was running late, and took his shower. I began crying because of built up stress and disappointment. He came out and surprised me. I tried to hide it but he saw my face and held me for a very long time.
I wrote him an email explaining that PT is my LL and I really need to be near him to feel loved. That when he withholds himself from me it kills me inside. Yes, I said that, because it's true. It's not that he doesn't have a drive, he just takes care of himself. Which I don't agree with in a M where the other spouse is ready and willing. He says it just takes less time and he doesn't have to worry about pleasing me. I told him to get over his adolescent ego. Sometimes it's just about being physically close for me and I don't always have to have an O. I copied an article from themarriagebed.com about masturbation in a M.
I pray that he takes this to heart and changes his actions. I plan to talk to him about it tonight during our date night.
I am going to bring up the fact that he (for many years) would try to wake me in the middle of the night to ML and I would push him off. Well, what I didn't realize then -he and I are both guilty of doing things over and over that don't work. Hopefully, that will be something that we can change. So, if he tried to wake me and I pushed him off because subconsciously I didn't know why he was waking me up and I just wanted sleep, whose fault is it? I guess there is no blame here. But, I want to teach him that I didn't want to reject him, it was just that his approach didn't work. If he tried something different, his (and my) needs would have been met. Rather than try to get me in the mood while I am sleeping, perhaps he should have gently woken me up and then tried to ML. In my waking state, I never would have turned down ML.
I also said (in my email) that for years I felt rejected and undesirable because I thought he didn't want to ML with me. To find out that he satisfies himself almost every day, it hurt me more than anything he's ever done. Maybe that was bad, I don't know, but it was the truth and I thought he should know it. I gained weight because I thought he didn't care what I looked like. I got huge and ugly (how I felt about myself) because I thought it didn't matter anyway.
So, to recap, H is trying, I can see it. I don't know if his heart is still closed or not. He held me tenderly to comfort me this morning, and he hugged me enthusiastically last night to cheer me up. He is trying to make me happy, and he does. I want him to know that he is succeeding in making me happy.
My cainercast says...Wednesday, 19th May 2004 The question is not 'can you do it'. The answer to that is; very probably, you can. You've got a lot of talent, wit and experience. The question, though, is 'should you?' You are feeling tempted to let the world see just what you're capable of. But your desire to prove something may be causing you to forget what it is that you actually want to achieve. The wisest way to proceed today is with caution. It's not that you're likely to fail, just that you're in danger of having the wrong kind of success.
So, maybe I won't tempt him by going out this weekend. H loves to be with me and our closeness is growing - maybe this is the way our M will heal. With kindness and loving actions, not me producing feelings of jealousy in him.
I have to think about this. H knows that other men want me. Does he really need to be reminded of it constantly? At what point will he just say "enough" and stop caring? I don't want to push that.
LOL
