Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

So, I don't know if I would call it cycling, but I think I have found new footing. Maybe it's called detachment.

Walking on Saturday in the woods, I saw this image of myself dropping the heavy weight and just waiting to see if he would carry any of it.

I find myself not wanting to sit next to him on the couch and significantly... pulling away? letting go? letting go of my death grip of "I will OUTLAST this nonsense and we will find our way back together."

H is currently chasing some. He followed me to the door this morning as I left for work and offered me a hug. He followed through on our lunch plans and said, "I get something out of our lunches together. I don't get as much out of them as I get out of our evenings together, but I get something out of them. I enjoy them." It's pretty much the first thing I've heard in terms a soft statement of enjoying or valuing his time with me in a long time. I am trying to make sure I don't soften... or pick up the rope?... based on those tiny things alone.

We had a big conversation about the bathroom. I have a townhome, standard layout, main bathroom upstairs and an ensuite off the master bedroom. For years, we've said that we are going to renovate that, knock out a wall, and put in a Jacuzzi tub! My dream bathroom. I recently found mold under my ensuite bathroom vanity and H was going to redo a good chunk of my bathroom. I couldn't figure that out, because it was a lot of work he was going to do to make it nice again (my shower also needs a repair and I don't use it). Tuesday is our family meeting night and he asked me, alone, what I do with the bathroom if labor/money were no object. The answer is: my Jacuzzi tub.

Those conversations are so hard to have because we're not really talking about the tub. We're talking about who is going to be living in the house in a year, but we only talk about the tub. I asked if he was willing to spend thousands of dollars for me to have my tub and he said, "That's a lot of money and time."

I stewed for a while and I said, "If we weren't doing this weird whatever we are doing, we would just do get the bathroom." He agreed. So, I said, "Listen, I don't know where you're living in a year, but I am definitely still living in this house. And, I am getting the bathroom I've always wanted. This weirdness has already cost me a lot, but it's not costing me my tub. And, I am not looking at a bathroom for the next however many years and remembering the time that I smothered my own needs, so you want me to sign something about property division if we split after we renovate the bathroom, that the cost less the cost of renovating just the ensuite comes out of my property share. No problem."

It was a pivotal moment. I can't put my life on hold anymore. He is going to pick up the rock or he isn't, but in all of my futures, I am getting my bathroom. And taking care of me.