I'm glad you feel empowered Gordie. I read once that there absolutely needs to be a power shift in our situations. The WAS begins holding all the cards with the LBS desperate for reconciliation and willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES!
However, over time the LBS learns and grows and the WAS begins to experience 'life on the other side' - the LBS begins to genuinely enjoy aspects of their new, unasked for life. They are no longer desperate for reconciliation even if they are willing to consider it as an option. They have reached a place of healthy self-regard and acceptance.
I think a potentially sustainable reconciliation may only really be possible if this dynamic shift has happened?
Any ways, faking it was only until you made it - and it sounds like you are making it, which is the main thing!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Gord, you sound like you have come to the place that I have...kind of like a WTF attitude as to what they have and are continuing doing. We love them, but hate their actions. Until they realize what they did and have remorse as to the sitch, there is no possibility of reconciliation.
As Sotto said, we all need to find that place of healthy self-regard and acceptance. Without that we will remain lost and in limbo.
What's that old saying...It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. We did not choose this path and would have never put our spouses thru something like this, but this is our reality. Ask God to direct your steps and he will guide you. We can ask him to change other people, but that rarely works, unless that other person wants to change. Be strong in your faith and take care of your kids. That is your most important job.
You are a rockstar!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Butterfly—thank you. You deserve some sort of prize. When that happened, I was less troubled for having somewhat expected it. I wish you could meet my stbx in person and talk some sense into her.
Sotto—totally agree that R is only possible when that shift happens. When the walkaway or waywardn or MLC holds all the cards, there’s no way a healthy R is possible.
SBJ—thanks. I do get that WTF feeling often. Like DNJ asks—what happened to my beautiful wife? My family? My life?
DNJ—thanks. As Jack 3 beans says in his signature, experience is a brutal teacher? And I’ve been a slow learner but we’re all going at our own pace.
Journaling:
As Butterfly said, as I have pulled away more and my move out date approaches, stbx has pursued me more. She is trying to nice me back and talking about us and summer vacation together, etc. Because I avoid situations where we will be alone together, she has been trying to talk to me more when I am preparing food in the kitchen or playing with the kids. She even came to one of son’s sporting events and stood next to me which she hasn’t done in over a year.
Drama with D1 continued. Silence was broken but their dialogue is terse at best. I took the kids out for a goodbye dinner before I took her back to college and the little kids asked where is mom? Stbx showed up late and acted like everything was groovy and D1 just gave angry looks. I drove D1 back to college and we didn’t discuss mom or the situation but D1 knows I love her and she cried when it was time for me to leave.
Stbx initiated another R discussion and I mainly listened as I’ve already said repeatedly what I want. She has dropped demands for an open M (first time ever). She said of course she would break up with OM2 if she was trying to work on us (change from two weeks ago). She asked how long would I give us to work on our R or would it be open ended? I don’t know if I handled that one well but here’s what I said: a lot of damage has been done, things are more complicated now. I believe love is a choice and M is a commitment to “do anything” to make it work. The commitment isn’t conditional or set with deadlines.
The conversation ended and she said she has been thinking a lot about us and what she wants and if she can make that type of no turning back commitment.
All advice welcome.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think you handled this well. Keep doing what you have been and let her spin. I wonder if her asking how long you would give to work on R was a way to get a feel to see if she could string you along. Regardless, I think you’re handling this well.
I think you handled it well. And I think her dropping the OM ONLY if you want to make the marriage work is a huge red flag which would not lead to success at all.
Reading along and there are always those moments where you look back while posting and think I could have done this, maybe handeled it this way .. you did just fine, you have been consistent in what you want, what you need and what it will take to get you back at the table and she knows this but continues to test.
I would caution you as I see things in a familiar light, working on the M is one thing but if she is not making the self improvements required it will be very frustrating. She has to get to the bottom of what set her off on this course and you can not do that for her, its something only she will do once she bottoms out.
But I ditto Ginger and Cali. She is too broken right now to work on the m. Her comment about OM tells me that, like so many women in MLC, she feels she needs someone there 24/7 to be her wingman. In reality she needs tremendous alone time and a heaping dose of therapy to get herself calibrated. She is quite lost.
Use this time to re-build yourself and to focus on your kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you. I am trying my hardest to let her figure this out on her own. Honestly, it’s hard not to try and fix her. She still asks me for advice all the time. I want to say but have never said: I think you are still processing a lot of things about XXX and what happened between XXX and XXX. You were never allowed to grieve and process those things and it’s still hurting you today. You were forced to grow up too quickly and then a few years later we met and quickly got married and had kids and “life” kept us busy. It’s important that you get to heal from those wounds now in whatever way you need in order for you to grow and become healthy and be the person you want, irrespective of any relationships. You say you are confused and don’t know what you want and need more time to figure things out. I believe you and I pray that you do figure things out—for you.
***
Journaling:
Also don’t know if I handled this well, but w’s L came back with comments on the agreement again. I read them and told her I thought they were b s and would not sign. I said I’m done negotiating. I have been more generous than any court would ever require so if she can’t agree to the last version then I am done spending $ on this out of court settlement and we should just go to court. I told her I know I will get a better deal in court and she knows it too. So she said she will sign the last version. She sent an email to her L saying that while I sat there and she showed me the email. She was not combative at all; she was quite subdued. Confession; I still wish for her to call me and say I’ve dropped the D filing, but I know in my head that is not going to happen—it’s just my heart won’t let go of that hope.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Ah, whenever I think about the things I want to say to him, I just hear myself repeating back what I know he will say and I shut up. I also think about how much he loves to hear about my pain and that I am still connected in some way. Sorry, that ATM closed a while ago.
I'm curious about the divorce/agreement. Who brought it up? Why is she suddenly seeming to capitulate on that front? Is she thinking she will force you to put up or shut up?
