a new chapter in my book to force the change

[rottzilla]

OK, again, being lazy. Still haven't bought a new journal. Can't believe I filled one up already.

The weekend was filled with several good things and some bad things that I wished I hadn't done and just couldn't stop myself.

More bad than I'd like to admit, but I'm human.

I have to work on being more kind, loving, patient, and understanding, and less bitchy.

Friday I had an issue with the local (well known department store and tire center) who was trying to rip me off for a flat tire. They tried telling me that I needed a whole new tire and when I said I had road hazard - kept my tire and wouldn't return it. UGH! So, I went to another store where they promptly apologized and gave me a new tire. But, it started my day off wrong and I was cranky. H got cranky also - our moods echo each other's so often.

Great, H and I moved his fish from our indoor pond to the outdoor pond for the summer season. Brought the dogs to the kennel, where they promptly forgot all about us as they romp-us'd (my word) around the kennel area chasing chickens.

We drove to NH where H spent an hour crying at a Harley store. Made him happy to look, but also sad as we can't afford it this year. I don't know why he keeps torturing himself. It breaks my heart that I can't buy it for him. But I have to sell my Dodge before he gets a bike. We have three car payments right now and it's killing us. The money issues aren't doing any good for our marriage. Anyone want a great 98 Dodge Intrepid ES?

Anyway, we went on to Vermont for our weekend. Hit the local pub and restaurant for a great dinner and checked out our campsite. The lean to was very cozy and cute. Had a nice fire that night and went to sleep.

All in all, our moods improved and we had a good time together. Saturday a.m. we got up early and headed out to bike ride. Tried the trails and they were AWESOME! I never knew how much I loved mountain biking before. I liked it, but had never been on true bike trails like this. It was great, and H was just as happy. Said he was proud of me for keeping up. We had so much fun, I want to do it again. However, I did get low on blood sugar and got a bit bitchy, but I think H understood and we got through it. I just wish I hadn't forgotten to bring food so it hadn't happened.

The afternoon started raining, we drove to the top of the ski mountain to look at the town and wound up coming down early. Lightning struck the next camp site over, and we were really freaked out for a bit.

We went out to a movie and got back in time to sleep by 10. It was still raining and looking like our biking was out for Sunday. Saturday was awesome all in all. We bonded quite a bit. However, I know where it all started going wrong.

It was Saturday night when H did not hold me and I got cranky. Began feeling neglected and impatient. I wanted him to hold my hand and kiss me and get over all this crap once and for all. For goodness sakes, I couldn't control myself. Just wanted my old, romantic, loving, cuddly H back. I was getting so fed up with being his friend and not the woman he loves anymore. Or rather, is "in love with" anymore.

I wanted him to read that book NOW and watch the MB tapes NOW and it was getting to me. Very bad DBing, and setting the stage for some backsliding.

So, Sunday we drove to NH again, as it was still rainy in VT. I talked H into teaching me to gold pan, and we went to a river he used to pan in. It was great, but I yelled at him once (still feeling neglected) for not being a copilot and telling me where to turn. I felt bad, and apologized. H felt bad also. I just got so aggravated because I was driving down the road - in H's old haunt - where he KNEW where he was going, and he let me miss the turn and never said anything. I got about 1 mile down the road and asked if I was supposed to have turned, and he just said he thought I knew what I was doing. I was furious, and I don't know why. I had never been there before, it was a back woods town with one gas station, and here I was lost because H thought I "knew" where I was going and decided not to speak up. Well, I yelled, I felt so badly, and H made the effort to make it up. He got me back to town, but not before I said some nasty stuff. I told him that he never helps me out when I am driving with the directions. He is a lousy copilot and I don't know why I keep trying to depend on him to get us where we are supposed to go.

Then, I calmed down. H said that he was sorry, and tried to make me laugh a bit. I did, and then told him that it was my fault. That I assume he will direct me, rather than asking him to do so. So, I think that went well.

Then, in the river gold panning, I got cranky again. H didn't help me over the slippery rocks like he used to. I said something and he said that he thought I was the "can do anything girl." Well, I again felt neglected and left out of his love. I sat there and waited for him to teach me. He just said a few words about how to do it, and I couldn't get the hang of it. In the old days, when H "loved" me, he would have sat with me and showed me until I got it. Having patience with me. Maybe it was unfair, but I sat there stewing until I again got angry. Well, we finally wrapped up and I blamed it on my blood sugar.

H found a cute restaurant where they had a brunch buffet. I thought the weekend had been ruined, but in true fashion, H showed his class by saying how perfect the weekend had been and how happy he was.

And in true petty, immature fashion, I smiled but later felt like it hadn't been perfect, because H still withholds his love from me. I feel petulant like a child that is told they can't have the ice cream they want.

What's wrong with me?

So, today I renew my vows YET AGAIN to DBing. I will be understanding and patient and loving and kind and gentle. I will keep my tone of voice under control and not nag or bitch. I'll work on making myself happy and let H see me being happy. H will be drawn to me like a moth to a flame - I will be irresistible.

I am re-reading my journal to find what worked before and reinstitute it.

From my Cainer cast for the week... They say you should never go back. They say the past is a place to remember, but not to return to. They, though, say a lot of things and not all of these are worth listening to. Sometimes, it can be highly appropriate to retrace your steps. Or to repeat a formula that has proven profitable in times gone by. As Neptune now changes direction in the sky, you are now starting to see your own recent history in a different light. How wonderful that you are about to be granted an opportunity to achieve a different outcome in a key area of struggle.

That says it all, doesn't it? Time to go back, revisit history, see what worked and do it. Why have I gotten off of the DB wagon? I feel as if it has become comfortable to be where I am and I have stopped putting in the effort I had been putting forth. Today, I begin again. Reborn.

My PMA will rise to previously unknown levels, I will lose weight, H will love me again with his previous passion - even MORE PASSION THAN BEFORE!!! .

These things are true, it's just up to me to make it happen now rather than later.