How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[Clyde]

TonightI feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under me, did I make my self too vulnerable? Am I overthinking the sitch?

Where to begin...???

For the most part all has been great, we are spending a lot of time together, she is very affectionate (when not in bed, - I'll elaborate on that in a bit). On the surface everything seems great, but w/ the lack of communication and our history, I can't help but feel insecure.

About a week ago the topic of MC came up, the W firmly said "NO, I do not want to live in the past!" I replied, "I really think we can benefit from it, give it some thought, even if we left the past alone and just went to build our communication skills" I then mentioned Retrouvaille to which she did not shut down nor gave the thumbs up, the convo kinda switched topics at that point.

Finances: W has been doing some grocery shopping, as have I... I'd say we have both spent the same amount on groceries. I paid for 99% of the kids X-mas presents. About a week ago the W says "I'm gonna need $500 for my apartment rent" (apartment is vacant but she could not get out of her lease... this is her last month on the lease). I wish she phrased it differently but did not say anything about the way she asked, I gave her the $500. Today she said "I need $20 for gas, the school runs are expensive" (she is doing no more school runs then when she we were separate). She told me the other day that she has had to borrow money from friends ( I do not know how much or from whom) my initial thought was, "Thats her business, she can take care of it". We were going over finances/bills today, I told her that this was going to be a tight month or two for me, she responded "well I have to pay friends back w/ my next check, so I won't have much money either. During the legal proceedings I also had to borrow money from family and friends for both my lawyer and the lump sum I gave her to move out, buy furniture, rent etc. I have yet to be able to pay these loans back, she is aware of this.

Intimacy: Still has yet to fully recover, is nowhere close to how it was prior to when things started to go wrong. W does not initiate it, does not do the "things" she knows drives me crazy, turns it down often. My W used to approach me for it daily, used to be REALLY REALLY in to it, now it is don't do this, don't do that, so now I question if she is in to it. I have tried to woo her, candles, wine, foot massages etc... to little avail. This has started to affect my performance, to which she does not hesitate to point out. I am certain the performance issues are because I am doubting that she is in to it, and that then gets me thinking about the things she said to me in the past (I think of you as a brother... you don't do it for me, ILYBINILWY, etc). I've taken her comments about performance issues on the chin for the most part, in one convo I hinted to her lack of involvement etc., but did not press the issue much.

Last night I come on to her and get denied, hits me harder than it has been, I can't sleep after that so I read for a few hours, at one point the W ask me "Are you upset?" I lie and say no. Tonight we are getting ready to turn off the lights, looking like its going to be an uneventful night, I asked her

"Do you still think of me as a brother?"
W: OMG, no, is this cause you are not getting laid every day?
Me: No, absolutely not, but intimacy does play a big part in feeling wanted, and since you don't want to talk much about the past, all I can do is look for signs.
W: No, this only has to do w/ sex
Me: No, it does not, the other day when you said "I'm gonna need $500.." I kinda felt like you could of phrased it differently, like "hey babe, this is what I got going on this month, do you think..."
W: Well you did not pay me child support this month, that is supposed to go to my rent, plus I've been spending all my money on groceries and gas.
Me: Look I get that, but I also feel that we should discuss that you are using most of your next check to pay back your friends, I think we should decide where we need to allocate money at this point, as you know I owe several people money right know too, but I am going to pay bills and buy groceries before I even think about paying them back.
W: My friends are going to start talking $h!t on me... I have to pay them, fine you know what, I'm going to take Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, and get another job then, I'll be gone all day and night.
Me: Maybe we should go back to MC
W: I thought we were just going to give it our all and see where it would take us? You can't afford it right now, besides what would you want to talk about... sex?
Me: Everything, even the past, cause while it may be unpleasant, if that is what needs to take place to secure our M, then it is something that needs to happen.
W: Like I said you can't afford it, why are you doing this, you are going to ruin a good thing, keep it up, what happened to all your faith?
Me: I don't know that we can afford not to go, I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to let things evolve between us, my faith has not wavered, trust me it's what carried through to this point, I stood in the fire and got severely burned all while standing for this marriage. It is hard when you do not want to talk about the past, when I see signs or doubt that you are in to me, all I can do guess.
W: See its all about F'n sex!
Me: No it's not, pleases listen to what I am trying to say, the last time I felt something was wrong you denied it, the next thing I know I am face down in the driveway in cuffs... and as long as we are going there, you should know - I honestly have nightmares about that, and yes I have fears that it might happen again especially since you have yet to acknowledge how wrong that whole sitch was.
W: I'm not doing this know, its late, I had 2 drinks (3hours ago) I'm going to sleep
M: I don't know why it needs to be so confrontational, I want to know what your feelings are, and hope that mine matter to you........ are you ignoring me?
W: I told you I'm going to bed, I don't want to say something I'm going to regret at this point?