My pleasure, this situation is incredibly difficult. Most people have real trouble following the guidance in the DB books because it takes an incredible amount of discipline.

If people were good at self-control everyone would be thin and healthy.

I have a friend whose wife gave him the ILYBINILWY speech. He said "I'm sorry you feel that way, good luck to you. When will you be moving out?"

Then he just went cold turkey on communication with her and started living his life.

Not long after she felt like she'd made a big mistake, his willingness to give her up made her question where the value really was in the relationship -- with her or with him?

Suddenly her "freedom" looked like loneliness and uncertainty.

Not long after that she was desperate to come back. Did he welcome her back with open arms? No, he had conditions, he was a prize to be won. She had to go to therapy with him and if she missed a session? Done. etc.

Don't mistake this by assuming he didn't care that she left -- he was *devastated*, he was reeling, he was going through the grief and loss that all of us go through, but he didn't let her see that, and he realized that his very best option was to give her the space she wanted and to occupy himself with improving his own life.

That is completely unintuitive because your pursuing brain tells you that you're telling your spouse you don't care and reinforcing all their complaints about you, but that's just your inner baby intent on getting what it wants.

Giving space is the best path. Staying emotionally entangled with her through continued intimacy makes your path harder and requires lots more discipline. The space is for you as much as it is for her.

Acc

Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015