New LBS - need advice

[apothem]

Wow, that was a very thorough and thought provoking reply, thank you!

You're 100% correct about not having enough failed relationships and understanding what makes a relationship work. I've definitely started looking back over the last couple of weeks, writing down behaviors I did that I now recognize as detrimental. Regarding the grocery store comment, it was a low blow. I could say with 100% honesty that I have no qualms with her career choice and I'm glad she followed something she is passionate about. If anything, it makes me think highly of her for picking a career she enjoys for something other than just the money. She does it because she's great at it and truly enjoys it.

As far as contributing to the home, I provide about 2/3 of the income, yet we both work the same hours each week. For a while I looked at this incorrectly and justified my behavior of not helping around the house because I made more money. I know that is wrong and it was something I started addressing over the last few months. But, I can see now how the damage could be done and it wasn't just that one comment, but likely my attitude previous to that.

If we were back together, I would encourage her to stick with what she likes. We weren't financially uncomfortable or anything. Additionally, I would make a MUCH more impactful effort by helping in more meaningful ways such as cooking. I know that was something she did all the time and I never did. She works just as hard, if not harder each day at work than I do - and that is what's important, not the volume of money she brings in.

As far as a possible affair, I still don't think that's the case. I have left some parts out regarding insecurities I have. For instance, I would make comments to her such as, "Oh, who are you talking to, your boyfriend?". I would say those things because I was cheated on in my two previous relationships and never took the time to heal or get therapy. She did bring this point up to me a few months ago and I stopped making those comments.

I also discussed marriage counseling with her, but she was adamantly against it and she told me why. There were times in the past where we would fight, and I would say things like "Literally everyone else on Earth would agree with me" or "Let's go to counseling so they can tell you I'm right." I realize these are absolutely terrible things to say to someone I care deeply about. Especially because she's on the emotional side. I acknowledge I have problems from previous relationships that I've brought into this one. That is why I've been going to therapy and dealing with them.

She did talk about watching her friends on Facebook, etc. starting families, doing things with their lives like travelling, etc. So I definitely think that was a contributing factor. It's impossible to prepare for taking care of a teenager when you're 27 and not something you think about doing when you get in a relationship with someone.

Looking back, I realize a lot of the things I said and why they would hurt her. I know I can't change the past, but I can change who I am going forward for any relationship I may have, which ideally, would be with her, but I know the universe doesn't always work that way. I always felt like I was so secure with her and she would never leave which is part of the reason I never thought my comments were damaging. There were definitely some communication issues, moreso on my end. She would tell me when things hurt her feelings, but I would justify it as "Yeah, but you feel a lot more than a normal person."

As painful as this is to admit, I'm not sure she could forgive me for those things. I see how hurtful they are now more than ever. I think this time apart from each other will be good as it gives me time to reflect on my actions and learn how to address them. Don't get me wrong, she admitted a lot of things to me as well, how she wasn't innocent and would make hurtful comments, etc. So this time could be good for her as well.

She did tell me that she was proud of all my progress I made and that she really noticed a difference, but that it was too little, too late.