Thanks job, i read it and it's incredibly insightful.
That said, i need HELP guys!!! I screwed up in a gargantuan way i'm afraid!!!
As i mentioned before, during the last couple days she has been increasingly trying to show affection (or what she thinks is affection i guess) by trying to hug me and making a comment here and there about our family and she basically implicitly said that she'd want to give it another shot BUT she has never explicitly said so or showed TRUE regret for what happened!
Anyway, whenever she came around to hug me or touch me i sort of played along kinda but i tried to do it as a FRIEND since i was getting along pretty well with detachment! In practical terms this has been extremely AWKWARD since she wanted more but i had to fend her hugs off somehow without insulting her, talk about walking a tightrope, but TODAY it all blew up in my face!!!
She came to hug me while i was standing in the kitchen doing some work and she wouldn't let go, i was obviously uncomfortable because it is screwing with my detachment so i kind of took her hand off of me. She then reacted and said " You know, maybe i should get a cat since i really don't know what to do with my affection" (since i don't show her any back at all) and i don't know WHAT hit me but i said "Maybe you should get a boyfriend instead"
I regretted saying that instantly!!! Not sure why those words came out of my mouth, i now suppose it's because inside, i just want things to MOVE ALONG since i am still not sure whether there is a OM and i feel like she probably HAS to walk through an affair to maybe realize what she really wants?
This sounds somewhat insane but with all that i've read that does seem to be pretty much par for the course right?
Anyway, she was shocked, and went into full combat mode as she stormed away and said "Fine then, i will! But don't complain then if i bring him into the house!" UGH i totally regret that slip of the tongue but now the damage is DONE!!!
What have i done? I feel like i said this out of either self destructive reasons since i am so fed up with the whole situation or to move things along QUICKER so we could maybe get out on the other side and have a TRUE shot at a new marriage/relationship???
I really feel like crap right now and i went back to apologize but obviously she wouldn't have any of it.
So then the "discussion" we had was totally out of control and it felt like there was no communication at ALL between us, plenty of misunderstandings and whatnot, and it ended up with her somehow giving me an ultimatum that i should tell her by tomorrow whether she should still keep our R "on hold" so that we may have a chance yet OR that she should start looking for a BF!!
I mean... What the hell am i supposed to say to that?
She ALWAYS wants a YES/NO answer and won't accept shades of grey, the thing is she doesn't even start to realize HOW far away all this is from the core message that i want her to understand.
An affair? Divorce? All that doesn't MATTER, what matters is that she gets through this and figures out who she is and what she wants and then become that person (who then may or may not want a new R with me).
So now MY dilemma is this:
After this whole mess, she will still want an answer tomorrow. And it HAS to be on HER terms not mine, problem is i don't even know what I truly want right now. I mean, i get that i have to focus on myself and our son and i was doing pretty decent even (i think at least) but at the same time i don't want to COMPLETELY push her away as i still have SOME hope left buried deep inside me (behind that emotional wall i built to detach myself from her) that the loving, caring individual i fell in love with will come out in SOME form again on the other side of this MLC some day and that a renewed me would have a shot at another R with her!
I feel like if i tell her to keep up hope for a R i am not treating her in a fair way since i will HAVE to keep detachment up but she will not understand that right now.
On the other hand if i tell her it's over and that she should look for a new BF then she probably WILL and it's ME that has driven her that far without even wanting it, how twisted
I feel powerless right now. How stupid can i be? Why did i say that? I lost control for a brief moment and look at this mess now
