On being committed to the MR: "I didn't say the word "committed" the other night when you kept asking me, but I am. Maybe i never said it before but I am committed. Do I know if i can give you what you want in terms of intimacy? No, i don't, but i want to try. I know that is going to take work. I can't give you all of that right this moment, though... I'm just not there right now."
Then why would she deliberately withhold the words you kept asking from her? Her usual pat answer of, I'm still here" was snide.......and according to your description of her reaction, she knew she was being snide and not trying to cooperate. That's cruel, in my book........but then, WW's can be the worst.
Another cruel action is bringing up her doubts before she M you, and she still wonders if there is another man that would fit her better. But apparently, she is not compassionate about how that makes you feel.
The reason I bring up these two actions again, is b/c it's very obvious she is self absorbed. Perhaps she has been self absorbed since before the wedding. Maybe she has always been that way. If so, then I don't know whether or not she'll make the progress you want. She can, if she has someone like your MC who will be very frank with her, and not just tell her what she wants to hear. She doesn't like being accountable to you, and I think her rebellion rises, as has been seen lately. Perhaps that's why she started pulling back from the counselor, b/c she was pushing for your W's accountability, and to do homework W didn't want to do.
She talks as if she doesn't have a clue as to what you want from her. I have difficulty believing it, even if she really thought you were not interested in ever being intimate again and simply living as roommates. So, I suggest you tell her in very plain language that she'll understand. Draw the picture of what you see as "working on the MR".....so there will be no guessing games.
My concern is that even in non-sexual relationships, compassion and respect for the other one exist. I just haven't seen you reporting where she is giving of herself in the relationship. She is just there. A WW has a lot of work to do on the inside, and if she is truly doing that work........instead of stalling or backsliding, then her H should start to see a little glimmer of hope.
The non-sexual touches should have gotten further along by this time, IMHO. I mean, she doesn't want you touching any part of her? Before the affair, would she let you kiss her when leaving for work? You said there has been no mouth on mouth kissing for years? Wow! If there was ever a sign a MR is in trouble, it is when there is no touching........and no kissing. .
I just want to encourage you to see that counselor more often, if you are going to stay in this M. And, you are going to need to gently lead the way in the department of non-sexual touching. We discussed this some time ago. There needs to be much more than what you've done. Just start doing it, Jim. I think you've waited on her, and that's not working. She'll never be ready for sex, if there is no kind of normal non-sexual touching between the two of you. I don't mean just once in a while, but starting now with very simple non-sexual touches of some kind every single day. Let her get use to them, and get comfortable. Act as if it is totally normal, b/c it is normal for couples to touch.
Start giving her a hug. Give her a kiss when you leave for work (at least on the cheek). It doesn't mean putting your hand on her shoulder is going to lead to sex. But as you said, you just want to know that both of you are working toward eventually having an intimate relationship. I just don't think it will get there with you never taking the lead in these other ways first.
Have you started sleeping back in the bed with her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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