I have thought about this quite a bit and I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. If she can back I would be willing to work towards RECON.
When I started on this journey I originally said I would give it 6 months. Then I realized I could go longer and 6 months is nothing if I want to RECON. If the rule of thumb is 1 month for every year of MR then I have 7 months left.
TBH I still have faith in my W that she will figure it out. I also think it was blessing that she moved out 3 weeks after BD. She has also not been over the top disrespectful to me. I am not sure I would feel the same about my W if she put me through what some other guys on the board are experiencing. If there is OM or MEN she has kept it on the DL, does not rub it in my face, is not posting pictures of her and him on SM, he has not met my children and I would think if there was 7 months is ample opportunity for him to start coming around. She does not yell at me, make snide remarks and all that other stuff either.
I don't need a women and I don't really miss the physical contact so I don't feel a neediness to go out and meet other women and all that. So I will give it 1 yr then re-evaluate my position.
Truthfully in my eyes I am already D'd. We don't live together, finances are separate, I am already paying child support so she is truely getting a taste of what life will be like. IMO that is a good thing although if she called me tomorrow and said I am ready file I am good with that also.
I have learned through this journey that I am stronger than I ever realized.
I have been reading your postings J9 and the growth that I see from your early postings to now is remarkable. No one can tell where your journey will end, but I think by focusing on yourself and GAL you will be ready to weather whatever comes your way. Keep it up!
Me: 28 W: 28 No Kids Together: 10 years Married: 3 years ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17 She moved out: 11/15/17
I think you are making the right decision on waiting for the 1 year mark. As you said it’s really like you’re Ded anyway. Filing right now isn’t gonna wake her up so if that is what she wants let her do the work.
I signed my D papers yesterday with zero emotion. I’m getting a really good deal as I am keeping the house and paying no alimony and a fair amount of child support. Should be final in 1-3 months. She asked yesterday to stay longer until she finds a house and I told her I would think about it.
I’m in a really good place right now in every area in my life but one. I have actually started to appreciate lately that as far as ex’s go mine might not be to bad. She never did the spewing thing, she still is a great mom and I don’t think there is a real OM. Though obviously if I find out down the road I won’t be shocked right lol!
We got together young had two kids and life got in the way. We stopped growing together and the rest is history.
I feel fairly confident that some day she is going to wish she had tried harder.
Sorry to hijack your thread but I don’t post on my own anymore and you have always had a interest in my story.
S - Everyone comes here broken as you will see in most everyone's posts. Some people come looking for a quick fix and leave when they find out there isn't one while others stay, work on themselves and become the best person they can be. A person only a fool would leave.
Your journey will be the same as long as you focus on yourseld and put in the work. Stay patient, only worry about what you can control and turn the rest over to a higher power.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that this board saved me, my sanity and has been better than my IC.
I appreciate the support!
LH - You are correct filing right now is not going to wake her up. Like your STXW she doesn't spew, let's me have the kids when I want, she is flexible, and for all accounts has been an excellent co-parent. Like you kids, time and life got between us and unfortunately both of us did not water our R enough.
I think that is why I have been interested in your sitch is because I see a lot of simularities. I am happy you have found peace. It sounds like both you and your W have treated each other with kindness through this process. I know it won't be easy telling the kids and you will probably have some emotion whenshe moves out as well. I remember when it happened to me and it's a day I will never forget.
Why didn't you and your W ever separate? I mean if I remember right you did early on and I think it was you that moved out but why not again for a longer period? Truthfully, her moving out for me might be the only thing that could help me save it.
V - I do believe mine is resolvable. I just hope with time and distance eventually she will see the same thing. Her list of complaints against me when she moved out was a stretch at best. Truthfully most of what she said I kind of felt like she was scrambling just to give me some answers to justfiy. At any rate they have been resolved, most of which was around my physical appearance at the time/lack of motivation. In general I think she felt like I had just given up on life and was ready to let myself go.
When she left she told me that I was a great provider, new I would love her for the rest of her life, was the best sexual partner she had ever had but she just felt it wasn't going to work and going to MC wouldn't fix it. To me I think it was more of a relfection where she was at emotionally.
Anyway fast forward 7 months, I am DBing to the best of my ability and applying the 37 rules. I generally do validate very well and listen when she brings something up it was just odd yesterday that she didn't remember what I sent her a couple of days earlier. I could tell she didn't take offense to it because she laughed back with me as she realized she didn't have it straight either. I will be cautious moving forward.
I think I need to remember as I get more comfortable in my sitch to not let my guard down.
Anyway I got up early this morning to hit the gym before church so off I go!
She wanted to legally separate last year and do the nesting option with an apartment but I declined that offer and said let’s just divorce then so she filed. I do not regret that decision for a second either we act like adults and work on this together or we don’t.
Kaizen made me realize that divorce is just a piece of paper that says we are legally not married anymore.
Makes sense I can't say I disagree. As long as you have no regrets then that is most important. Mine is a little different as she moved out with the intention of Ding but hasn’t followed through. I think she showed her hand in Oct when she said she was ready but didn’t follow through with it. I don’t think she will do that again.
Hit the gym this morning, had an awesome work out. My youngest had basketball practice last night so I got to see my girls for a bit. I volunteered to help coach the team so it has been fun being on the court teaching the kids. The W was also there but since I was on the court practicing the time with her was very limited.
She did send me a couple emails yesterday about summer camp activities for the girls (funny how that is on her mind already). Every year since the kids have been born she has spent the summers with them so we did not have to pay for child care expenses. The information she sent me yesterday was essentially her proposal for the summer which basically indicated she does not want to watch them full time and wants to have every other week off with the kids attending camp on the weeks they will be with me.
When she first sent it I got pissed, I started thinking about her being selfish. Then as I started to think more about it I realized that even though I might not agree with her motives it would be a good thing for everyone involved. My W also made it very clear that she would financially contribute to them going to the camps as well.
The arrangement we had last summer was that she would watch them all day long, during the week and I would take them on Wednesday nights and every weekend. At the time I agreed to do this because I knew she needed a break and it would be the only time I would get to spend any time with the kids. In reality it stunk because every weekend I had them. I know she got wore out as well being with those girls all day in a 1000 sq ft apartment and a couple of days when I showed up she was in tears. I know she tried to have activities planned for them but there is only so much you can do.
With that said, most importantly, I know my girls would love to attend some summer camps, be with their friends, take some field trips, etc. as I know without planned activities they would get bored. They are at the age now where they want the interaction with other kids.
I guess sometimes I find it hard to have her suffer the consequences of her choices vs not making it seem like I am trying to punish her. I could have said "no", I am not paying for it and she could have said well I am not watching them so you need to figure something out on your weeks. I guess without some formal separation agreement in place I felt in a no win situation and if she was willing to help pay it definitely beats the alternative of her saying I am not watching them and I am not going to pay for it either.
I guess in the end it is a win/win for everyone. She gets every other week off, I don't have them every weekend and they get to do some fun stuff this summer with their friends and not hang around their mom all day in the apartment.
It also was a little depressing because it just further cemented in my mind that she is still full steam ahead on continuing down this path.
Well, well, well......it looks like my clock may have ticked to zero. Just got an email that the W wants to sit down this Saturday and talk about filing for Divorce and look through some paperwork.
