We've been together for 8 years and married 2.5 of them. I have a 12 year old son from a previous relationship.
My W dropped the bomb on 1/4/18. She first told me about her being unhappy (she said she was in a fog and it was just a phase) in the beginning of November. To give some context, in August 2017 I received full custody of my son because his mother moved out of state. A few weeks later, I had to take a business trip for a week and my W had to take on all household duties and my son while working full time. This was a first for her. For the previous 7.5 years, we only had my son on the weekends.
I came back from the trip and everything was great. I then had to take another business trip for 2 weeks near the middle of October and returned at the end of October. This is where things started to break down for her. The day I had come home from my trip I told her that it was "really nice coming back to a clean hotel room every day." She told me a week or so later that I really hurt her feelings and a switch went off in her head when I said that, despite the fact I would make comments about a clean house pretty frequently (which I now acknowledge was not the correct thing to do, instead I should have helped maintain the house). So I started contributing more around the house. I did dishes, vacuumed, etc. However, I never cooked. She would do the cooking and I would order out food 2-3 times per week. Cooking is now something I am learning to do to better myself as it's a bit therapeutic.
I understand that taking on the full responsibility of my son was a lot and likely made her hit a breaking point. She did say she wasn't prepared for it and never really considered it happening. Despite that, she pushed for me to fight for custody because she said we would make it work.
Things seemed relatively alright up until a couple days before Christmas. She told me she had to work Christmas Eve and I lost it. I told her that we always spent Christmas Eve together with her family and that it's absurd that she works on it. I told her she needs to focus on getting a better job where she doesn't have to work on holidays. I also told her that she has these dreams of buying a bigger house with me, yet I feel like I'm the only one striving to make advances in my career. I also said, verbatim, "Do you really want to tell people you work at a grocery store when you're 40?" She has since told me that is the day I broke her heart. I regret everything I said that day.
Despite that, she still stuck by my side, would hug me, cuddle me, etc. We've ALWAYS been very hands on with each other and constantly did small, romantic things for each other. She was like that up until the day before she broke the news to me that she wanted a divorce. I tried pleading with her that I've been making positive changes in my life, such as cleaning, addressing my depression and ADHD (which I'm now on medication for), etc. She said it was too little, too late.
She has expressed in the past that she never felt quite right and was afraid she was suffering from a disorder, but was terrified to actually find out. She went to a therapy session once around October or so and she came home and was sort of upset. She told me the therapist told her some things she felt she needed to hear, such as she doesn't want to be married, doesn't want kids, etc. She called the therapist and cancelled all future appointments because she felt that wasn't what a therapist is supposed to say.
She moved out and went to live with her mom and step-dad on the other side of town a couple days after breaking the news. She has since moved almost the entirety of her belongings out of our house. She has thrown all of our pictures together, mementos, etc. into the trash. For what it's worth, the news of her asking for a divorce has surprised everyone including her family, my family, and all of our friends. I did call her mom and step-sister (the two people she's closest with) and they both told me they were blindsided. They gave me the advice of giving her time and space, which I did. I now realize it was a mistake talking to them as my W was upset that I talked to them because she said they are no longer my family. Also, she stated that she hates when I say things like "Everyone doesn't understand why this is happening", etc. because I don't need to bring everyone into it to validate my opinion (which she's right and I've since stopped doing).
I did not initiate contact with my W for just over a week. She would find a reason to message me every day and make small talk. Then, last Wednesday she came by the house to pick up more of her stuff. It was the first time I had seen in her in some time. We started talking and I started pleading once again (big mistake #1). She told me she doesn't love me, doesn't care about me, and doesn't have feelings for me. She told me the only person she cared that she hurt is my son. She also said for the first time in her life she is happy. I showed her all of the photos that I took out of the trash (big mistake #2) and she said, "You can show me all the photos and memories that you want, it doesn't change anything." I asked her why she's been messaging me and she told me it's because "I'm her best friend and the only person she really talks to about things." She said she never intended to give me false hope. She then left the house without saying goodbye.
On Saturday she deactivated her Facebook account, but kept me as a friend and her mom removed me as a friend. The rest of her family still have me as a friend. I've been avoiding social media since then as I know it's not good for me right now. Also, something I find strange, she hasn't deleted any pictures of us from her Instagram or Facebook page, yet was so quick to throw away all of our physical memories.
Her and I didn't speak for several more days until this past Sunday, when I messaged her asking if I could call her later to discuss taxes and other things. She agreed. I called her and we spoke for about 40 minutes. We talked about how we were filing our taxes, I asked if she filed the divorce papers and she responded that she hadn't, but not because she felt there was hope, but rather she doesn't have the time. She told me how the only thing she does is wake up, make breakfast, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean a bit, and then go to bed. She hasn't been doing anything else so it doesn't seem like she doesn't have the time. Ironically, all of those things such as making breakfast, work, making dinner, and cleaning are the exact things she did while living with me. She said she desires to be alone and doesn't want anyone. She did say she wants kids in the future, possibly just as a single mom. She also said she doesn't want alimony or to take anything from me as I owned the house before we met. I also told her I'd like to remain friends if possible, though she said not at first because it's too painful.
We haven't spoken since that conversation on Sunday. I had been trying to give her space and time, but she always found a reason to reach out to me. That seems to have stopped now. I'm not sure if she's a WAW or MLC. For some history, her and I have done EVERYTHING together. I mean, we literally spent almost every single day together of the last 8 years. We constantly messaged each other throughout the day and were always there for each other no matter the circumstances. Her family loved me and her mom would constantly remind her to not mess this up because she found someone who will deal with her (something that likely should have NEVER been said once, let alone almost monthly). We share many similar interests and rarely ever fought, and when we did fight it was about something like cleaning or what I thought at the time was a trivial matter. Everyone around us was always envious of our relationship because they could clearly see how much we were in love. Even up until the last couple days before she broke the news, she would write me notes and leave them in my lunch bag for work, etc. She would constantly post on social media and brag to friends about how lucky she is to have me, etc.
Additionally, she went from living with her mom to moving in with me within our first month together when she was 19. Part of me thinks she wants independence and freedom because she never got to experience it. I have no idea what to do from here, I really don't want to lose her; she's my best friend. I've ordered DR and it should be here tomorrow. I've read a lot of other people's experiences on here as well. I do know I have to give her space and time which despite the fact it hurts, I'm adhering to. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago. I go to one therapist by myself and another with my son because he is hurting badly from this. He loves her like she's his mom and she loved him like her own son. She never treated him differently because he was her step-son.
I understand this is all still a fresh wound, it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet since she dropped the bomb and moved out. It just hurts hearing her say those things and being so cold and lacking compassion. She has never been this way and I never imagined she could be. She told me that she has been selfless for 8 years and now it's time for her to be selfish, despite the fact it's hurting my son and me.
If you read through all of this, thank you. I find some comfort in talking about it. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive of me. If you have any advice, please don't hesitate to reply.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Im sorry that you are here and going through this. In looking at your 'stats', it looks like you guys did everything at such a young age. Your son was born when you were only 19 and then your W entered into a relationship with you while you already had a 4 year old and she was still only 19. Im not saying that these are reasons for your current situation, but I wonder how much you were able to learn about yourselves and how to have successful relationships with so much 'adulthood' thrust on you so young.
In the meantime, what are you doing for GAL? I know its been a fairly quick transition, but it's important for you to get out there and get yourself a life so that you arent pining over regularly communicating with her.
Lastly, what are your thoughts on a possible affair. I know you didnt mention anything, but from what Ive seen here, it is pretty rare for a woman to walk out without having that other option. It's pretty rare that someone just 'falls out of love' without some kind of eye-opening exposure to some other new relationship, be it real or imaginary.
I feel we did learn a lot about ourselves during our relationship, however I do agree about having a lot of adulthood thrust upon us.
I've been hanging out with friends very regularly, exercising, and looking to take up some new activities. I'm interested in ice skating so I can play in an adult hockey league with a friend of mine.
As far as an affair, I honestly have never considered it as there just haven't been any signs. She was never secretive with me or anything. She did mention to me several times after she dropped the bomb that she has been thinking about this divorce for a few months and was actively searching for apartments. However, she is not in a good enough financial place right now to afford one which is why she's living with her parents.
I truly think something inside of her broke after the comments I made, especially when she has toyed with the idea of having a disorder.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you, I will do just that.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
I feel we did learn a lot about ourselves during our relationship, however I do agree about having a lot of adulthood thrust upon us.
Im sure you learned a lot about each other and yourselves. But Im talking about what makes a good relationship (and not just the hokey stuff on facebook). My point is that likely neither of you have had a significant number of failed relationships to identify what behaviors are normal, whats OK, whats not OK, what you need to improve, and so on. Now is a good time to look back and take stock and understand what you did that helped wedge you two apart. You gave some examples - now is a good time to look into those to identify the underlying reasons for those behaviors.
For example, you asked her how she would feel telling people she worked at a grocery store when shes 40. How do YOU feel about it? How does that impact your opinion of her? How do you contribute to the home that has her in that position? If you were back together, how would those things be different? And so on...
Originally Posted By: apothem
I've been hanging out with friends very regularly, exercising, and looking to take up some new activities. I'm interested in ice skating so I can play in an adult hockey league with a friend of mine.
Sounds good....keep it up!
Originally Posted By: apothem
As far as an affair, I honestly have never considered it as there just haven't been any signs. She was never secretive with me or anything. She did mention to me several times after she dropped the bomb that she has been thinking about this divorce for a few months and was actively searching for apartments. However, she is not in a good enough financial place right now to afford one which is why she's living with her parents.
Hmmmm...I still have my doubts. But thats purely just based on my experiences here and not on anything you said. Keep in mind, it could be completely imaginary - a fantasy based on a movie or tv or a book or whatever. Unless there is a lot of other things you arent telling us, it would be odd to see a woman just walk away and give up at this age without some other reason.
Part of me thinks that at 27, she had no plans to be a full time mom of a teenage boy. Of course she is going to want what is best for you and your son, but that is a heavy load to take on as a young woman. A lot of people her age are likely settling in and starting a family or in a phase where they arent even thinking about kids yet - not elbows deep in the throes of raising a pubescent boy.
Originally Posted By: apothem
I truly think something inside of her broke after the comments I made, especially when she has toyed with the idea of having a disorder.
Look, I dont think it was this comment or that comment. I am sure it was a much longer term than that. I always look back and picture my relationship with my ex like a lake that froze from the bottom up. Every small hurt that I did caused the lake to freeze a little more and a little more. I may have seen little places here and there where the surface froze, but in general, I thought things were pretty good right up until the whole thing froze solid (BD). Maybe that one last thing I said or did triggered the BD...but it came about because of a long series of mistreatment and hurt.
I wonder if you look back at your relationship through that lens what you will see. Like I described above, how did you feel about your W that caused those comments?How were those feelings expressed in other ways?
Wow, that was a very thorough and thought provoking reply, thank you!
You're 100% correct about not having enough failed relationships and understanding what makes a relationship work. I've definitely started looking back over the last couple of weeks, writing down behaviors I did that I now recognize as detrimental. Regarding the grocery store comment, it was a low blow. I could say with 100% honesty that I have no qualms with her career choice and I'm glad she followed something she is passionate about. If anything, it makes me think highly of her for picking a career she enjoys for something other than just the money. She does it because she's great at it and truly enjoys it.
As far as contributing to the home, I provide about 2/3 of the income, yet we both work the same hours each week. For a while I looked at this incorrectly and justified my behavior of not helping around the house because I made more money. I know that is wrong and it was something I started addressing over the last few months. But, I can see now how the damage could be done and it wasn't just that one comment, but likely my attitude previous to that.
If we were back together, I would encourage her to stick with what she likes. We weren't financially uncomfortable or anything. Additionally, I would make a MUCH more impactful effort by helping in more meaningful ways such as cooking. I know that was something she did all the time and I never did. She works just as hard, if not harder each day at work than I do - and that is what's important, not the volume of money she brings in.
As far as a possible affair, I still don't think that's the case. I have left some parts out regarding insecurities I have. For instance, I would make comments to her such as, "Oh, who are you talking to, your boyfriend?". I would say those things because I was cheated on in my two previous relationships and never took the time to heal or get therapy. She did bring this point up to me a few months ago and I stopped making those comments.
I also discussed marriage counseling with her, but she was adamantly against it and she told me why. There were times in the past where we would fight, and I would say things like "Literally everyone else on Earth would agree with me" or "Let's go to counseling so they can tell you I'm right." I realize these are absolutely terrible things to say to someone I care deeply about. Especially because she's on the emotional side. I acknowledge I have problems from previous relationships that I've brought into this one. That is why I've been going to therapy and dealing with them.
She did talk about watching her friends on Facebook, etc. starting families, doing things with their lives like travelling, etc. So I definitely think that was a contributing factor. It's impossible to prepare for taking care of a teenager when you're 27 and not something you think about doing when you get in a relationship with someone.
Looking back, I realize a lot of the things I said and why they would hurt her. I know I can't change the past, but I can change who I am going forward for any relationship I may have, which ideally, would be with her, but I know the universe doesn't always work that way. I always felt like I was so secure with her and she would never leave which is part of the reason I never thought my comments were damaging. There were definitely some communication issues, moreso on my end. She would tell me when things hurt her feelings, but I would justify it as "Yeah, but you feel a lot more than a normal person."
As painful as this is to admit, I'm not sure she could forgive me for those things. I see how hurtful they are now more than ever. I think this time apart from each other will be good as it gives me time to reflect on my actions and learn how to address them. Don't get me wrong, she admitted a lot of things to me as well, how she wasn't innocent and would make hurtful comments, etc. So this time could be good for her as well.
She did tell me that she was proud of all my progress I made and that she really noticed a difference, but that it was too little, too late.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
One question: should I continue to not contact her? I'm just nervous that by not talking to her she thinks I stopped caring.
We haven't talked since Sunday, which the conversation left off on a good note. There wasn't any fighting or anything of the sort. I apologized for showing her all the pictures when she came over to pick up her stuff. I told her that I understand why she wants a divorce and that I now understand how she feels. I also said it wasn't fair of me to try to pressure her into staying by pleading.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
