Well, H suggested lunch yesterday, just as I was thinking he wouldn't. Score for me!
Last night was "date night" and I was looking forward to going. At 5, just as I was leaving work, H texts me and asks if two friends can go. I'm hurt, but text back OK. I'm thinking "well, maybe H didn't realize it was our night alone."
Get home and casually mention to SS14 that his dad had invited friends along. He said "that's funny, last week, Dad told me I couldn't go because it was your night to be alone." I talk to H about it and he says he didn't ask friends, they invited themselves along. OK, I let it go. We have a good time anyway, and still go to dinner alone.
I get sick during dinner - hope it goes away soon. Tomorrow we leave for our weekend away.
Mention to H that we still have not watched tapes and it's important to me. He says "I know it's important to you, that's why I agreed to watch them and read the book. I want you to get some sleep tonight. I'll read some of your book instead." (Meaning "The Truth About Love.") He does, reads the first chapter last night about the infatuation stage of love.
This is big for me. I hope his heart is open to the message. He has been looking for those sparks to fly again between us. But, it takes work. This first chapter explains how PEA and oxytocin and other chemicals leaad to feelings of euphoria during the initial stages of a love, and that it can't last forever. We had thought we were one of the exceptions.
The book says that initial stages of infatuation last about 6 months to 2 years. (Maybe that's why A's last 6 months on average?) Well, our infatuation stage lasted 5 years. We thought it would go on forever. But, lack of attention to the R and to each other took it's toll, and here we are. H doesn't have those "in love" feelings for me anymore. Both of us thought that the feelings were "gone." Instead, now, due to educating myself, I realize that they are not gone, they are just hidden away somewhere, buried under the rubble.
This (the bomb forward) was all such a shock to me because we were one of those crazy couples that everyone points to and says "look how in love they are." We never fought, rarely disagreed, had so much in common it was eerie. Yet, one day, H says to me "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore." I beg, plead, etc, and one day that statement turns into "I don't care about you, I don't have any feelings, I'm just cold." and "I don't think I care about you anymore because I don't care when I think of you with another man."
Well, as you know, we've made baby step after baby step until we are here. H's most recent statement being "I know things are going well between us, but they still aren't the same." And of course, admitting to me that he cares and showing jealousy. (can I just say YAY!)
I want his heart to be open to the message. I want him to realize that love takes work, and keeping it alive takes work. Not just know that, but know HOW and WHAT SORT of work he needs to do. Alone time, kind words, touch, loving actions, etc.
For my part, I need to get back to being that thinner girl he fell in love with. I have tried diet after diet, and I can't seem to stick with it. Which is odd because I have always been in shape until recently, when I gained HUGE amounts of weight. I want him to look at me again with tears in his eyes and see the beautiful girl he used to tell me he saw.
Right now, I just don't feel like that girl. I know it's all relative to the individual, but it would make me feel better if I looked better. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. Sigh sigh sigh!!! Why couldn't I be one of those whose nervous energy just dropped the weight off? H's friend going through D has lost 30 lbs in two months just due to nervous energy. I have lost 20 since LAST AUGUST! I keep hanging around this level and won't get off the plateau.
Oh well. Anyone has that magic bullet, let me know. I'd dying to hear how to do this difficult task.
