Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

Hi everyone. It's been quite a while since my last post.

December was a difficult month. Despite her still living in my house, I let my wife have xmas eve with the kids without me. I got up super early the next day and made it back to my house xmas morning before the kids got up. The hardest part was watching her go early xmas afternoon. I have no idea where she went, nor did the kids. She did the same thing 2 days before on my son's 9th birthday. On neither occasion did I tell her that she had to leave. In fact, I asked her to stay. She went to the mountains with her friends on NYE weekend too.

I know part of this is wayward selfishness, and that's the part that makes me angry and resentful. It's hard for me to imagine why she wouldn't want to spend these moments with our kids considering that they're still young and actually want to spend time with us!

But if I try to look at life from her point of view I guess I can understand why she would be uncomfortable staying and doing family things in my house (which used to be our house). She seems fully committed to her decision to end the marriage and create a new family dynamic.

2 weeks after xmas she moved out. She asked me to take the kids to my moms for the weekend so that she could have time to pack everything and get it out of the house. We agreed on the things she would take. Nothing major, other than my daughter's bedroom furniture which she borrowed from her brother.

Coming back to the house that Sunday night was about as surreal as you could get. The kids and I walked through the house looking for missing things. My daughter slept with me that night.

Now, for the first time since June, the KIDS are the ones moving back and forth. The nesting arrangement was never going to be a permanent thing, but this change still hits everyone pretty hard. The biggest adjustment for me is all the extra alone time that I have now. When we were nesting, I was staying at my mom's, so there was always something there to talk to. Now, 3 nights a week minimum, it's just me in our big house.

The other big challenge is the total loss of control over my kids when they're not with me. I had lost some of it when we started nesting, but they were still living in one place. Now they have a whole new environment, living arrangement, neighborhood, furniture, rules. And I have no say in any of it. Our custody split is 42% vs 58% in her favor, and trying to make even 42% work with my job schedule is difficult and stressful, but I'm making it work.

January was the first month that I paid her the agreed upon child support amount. I have no problem with this except when I hear from the kids that they got new light up sneakers, a new Xbox, and an Apple watch. Nothing I can do about it though.

There are upsides to all of this. I'm enjoying my alone time and I have 100% control over what happens in my house. My wife took a lot of the things that I considered clutter. And the clutter she left behind has either already been trashed or will be soon. The house needs a lot of work, and most of my anxiety these days is trying to find time to get to all of it.

I think about my W less and less. The day after she moved out, I removed everything from the house related to our wedding/marriage and I moved all my clothes back into my bedroom. I suppose this aspect of the breakup is easier for her because she's living in a whole new environment with no memories attached to anything. I toggle back and forth between trying to be compassionate with her and being extremely pi$$ed at her. But that's usually only when I'm in contact with her for something. The rest of the time she's not in my immediate thoughts.

GAL is coming along. I'm getting some female attention but I'm not pursuing. I don't think I can handle any more emotional commitments right now. I started playing guitar in a new band and having a lot of fun. We have gigs lined up through June. Back in December I decided to train for a half marathon in April, but over the past weekend I realized that I just don't have the time to train for it. So I lowered the bar a bit and signed up for a 5K at the end of March. There's a 10 mile run in May and a couple 10Ks in June and September. These distances are much more doable but still give me something to work towards.

At the end of June I'm planning a short trip to San Fran which culminates with a Dead and Co show in Mountain View. I love that area of the country and I've never seen any incarnation of the Dead out west so it should be a blast.

Well, that's it for me. Considering this is a divorce busting board for newcomers I think I will start posting elsewhere. I hope my threads can be as helpful to others as they were to me.