We've been together for 8 years and married 2.5 of them. I have a 12 year old son from a previous relationship.
My W dropped the bomb on 1/4/18. She first told me about her being unhappy (she said she was in a fog and it was just a phase) in the beginning of November. To give some context, in August 2017 I received full custody of my son because his mother moved out of state. A few weeks later, I had to take a business trip for a week and my W had to take on all household duties and my son while working full time. This was a first for her. For the previous 7.5 years, we only had my son on the weekends.
I came back from the trip and everything was great. I then had to take another business trip for 2 weeks near the middle of October and returned at the end of October. This is where things started to break down for her. The day I had come home from my trip I told her that it was "really nice coming back to a clean hotel room every day." She told me a week or so later that I really hurt her feelings and a switch went off in her head when I said that, despite the fact I would make comments about a clean house pretty frequently (which I now acknowledge was not the correct thing to do, instead I should have helped maintain the house). So I started contributing more around the house. I did dishes, vacuumed, etc. However, I never cooked. She would do the cooking and I would order out food 2-3 times per week. Cooking is now something I am learning to do to better myself as it's a bit therapeutic.
I understand that taking on the full responsibility of my son was a lot and likely made her hit a breaking point. She did say she wasn't prepared for it and never really considered it happening. Despite that, she pushed for me to fight for custody because she said we would make it work.
Things seemed relatively alright up until a couple days before Christmas. She told me she had to work Christmas Eve and I lost it. I told her that we always spent Christmas Eve together with her family and that it's absurd that she works on it. I told her she needs to focus on getting a better job where she doesn't have to work on holidays. I also told her that she has these dreams of buying a bigger house with me, yet I feel like I'm the only one striving to make advances in my career. I also said, verbatim, "Do you really want to tell people you work at a grocery store when you're 40?" She has since told me that is the day I broke her heart. I regret everything I said that day.
Despite that, she still stuck by my side, would hug me, cuddle me, etc. We've ALWAYS been very hands on with each other and constantly did small, romantic things for each other. She was like that up until the day before she broke the news to me that she wanted a divorce. I tried pleading with her that I've been making positive changes in my life, such as cleaning, addressing my depression and ADHD (which I'm now on medication for), etc. She said it was too little, too late.
She has expressed in the past that she never felt quite right and was afraid she was suffering from a disorder, but was terrified to actually find out. She went to a therapy session once around October or so and she came home and was sort of upset. She told me the therapist told her some things she felt she needed to hear, such as she doesn't want to be married, doesn't want kids, etc. She called the therapist and cancelled all future appointments because she felt that wasn't what a therapist is supposed to say.
She moved out and went to live with her mom and step-dad on the other side of town a couple days after breaking the news. She has since moved almost the entirety of her belongings out of our house. She has thrown all of our pictures together, mementos, etc. into the trash. For what it's worth, the news of her asking for a divorce has surprised everyone including her family, my family, and all of our friends. I did call her mom and step-sister (the two people she's closest with) and they both told me they were blindsided. They gave me the advice of giving her time and space, which I did. I now realize it was a mistake talking to them as my W was upset that I talked to them because she said they are no longer my family. Also, she stated that she hates when I say things like "Everyone doesn't understand why this is happening", etc. because I don't need to bring everyone into it to validate my opinion (which she's right and I've since stopped doing).
I did not initiate contact with my W for just over a week. She would find a reason to message me every day and make small talk. Then, last Wednesday she came by the house to pick up more of her stuff. It was the first time I had seen in her in some time. We started talking and I started pleading once again (big mistake #1). She told me she doesn't love me, doesn't care about me, and doesn't have feelings for me. She told me the only person she cared that she hurt is my son. She also said for the first time in her life she is happy. I showed her all of the photos that I took out of the trash (big mistake #2) and she said, "You can show me all the photos and memories that you want, it doesn't change anything." I asked her why she's been messaging me and she told me it's because "I'm her best friend and the only person she really talks to about things." She said she never intended to give me false hope. She then left the house without saying goodbye.
On Saturday she deactivated her Facebook account, but kept me as a friend and her mom removed me as a friend. The rest of her family still have me as a friend. I've been avoiding social media since then as I know it's not good for me right now. Also, something I find strange, she hasn't deleted any pictures of us from her Instagram or Facebook page, yet was so quick to throw away all of our physical memories.
Her and I didn't speak for several more days until this past Sunday, when I messaged her asking if I could call her later to discuss taxes and other things. She agreed. I called her and we spoke for about 40 minutes. We talked about how we were filing our taxes, I asked if she filed the divorce papers and she responded that she hadn't, but not because she felt there was hope, but rather she doesn't have the time. She told me how the only thing she does is wake up, make breakfast, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean a bit, and then go to bed. She hasn't been doing anything else so it doesn't seem like she doesn't have the time. Ironically, all of those things such as making breakfast, work, making dinner, and cleaning are the exact things she did while living with me. She said she desires to be alone and doesn't want anyone. She did say she wants kids in the future, possibly just as a single mom. She also said she doesn't want alimony or to take anything from me as I owned the house before we met. I also told her I'd like to remain friends if possible, though she said not at first because it's too painful.
We haven't spoken since that conversation on Sunday. I had been trying to give her space and time, but she always found a reason to reach out to me. That seems to have stopped now. I'm not sure if she's a WAW or MLC. For some history, her and I have done EVERYTHING together. I mean, we literally spent almost every single day together of the last 8 years. We constantly messaged each other throughout the day and were always there for each other no matter the circumstances. Her family loved me and her mom would constantly remind her to not mess this up because she found someone who will deal with her (something that likely should have NEVER been said once, let alone almost monthly). We share many similar interests and rarely ever fought, and when we did fight it was about something like cleaning or what I thought at the time was a trivial matter. Everyone around us was always envious of our relationship because they could clearly see how much we were in love. Even up until the last couple days before she broke the news, she would write me notes and leave them in my lunch bag for work, etc. She would constantly post on social media and brag to friends about how lucky she is to have me, etc.
Additionally, she went from living with her mom to moving in with me within our first month together when she was 19. Part of me thinks she wants independence and freedom because she never got to experience it. I have no idea what to do from here, I really don't want to lose her; she's my best friend. I've ordered DR and it should be here tomorrow. I've read a lot of other people's experiences on here as well. I do know I have to give her space and time which despite the fact it hurts, I'm adhering to. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago. I go to one therapist by myself and another with my son because he is hurting badly from this. He loves her like she's his mom and she loved him like her own son. She never treated him differently because he was her step-son.
I understand this is all still a fresh wound, it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet since she dropped the bomb and moved out. It just hurts hearing her say those things and being so cold and lacking compassion. She has never been this way and I never imagined she could be. She told me that she has been selfless for 8 years and now it's time for her to be selfish, despite the fact it's hurting my son and me.
If you read through all of this, thank you. I find some comfort in talking about it. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive of me. If you have any advice, please don't hesitate to reply.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
