Hey all, thanks for the support. As much as I miss being here and posting to everyone, I am finding that not posting so much has helped with my detachment and allowed me to get further along in DBing.
Just an example of a common day in my life now. There are still ups and downs. H still hasn't said ILY or even come close. H still hasn't kissed me or held my hand (like walk in the park type holding hands - sometimes he does in our sleep). BUT...
Early this a.m. I iniated ML and he held me so tight after. H had his arm outstretched, and I stretched mine out to be next to his. He took his other hand and clasped my hand in between his. Oh, it felt so good. Didn't last long enough, I snoozed and woke and it was over. Anyway...
He text'd me back and forth all morning. Some he iniatiated, some I did. Sometimes I find that I am emailing him first for a few days, and I stop and suddenly, lo and behold - he emails me first! I like this, he needs to pursue me, not the other way around.
So, I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me. We discussed this upcoming long weekend (we took off Friday) where we will drive to Vermont and go mountain biking and camping. Dogs are heading to the kennel (which they LOVE - the man has a farm and lets them loose in a fenced in enclosure to bark at the animals - heaven for a doggie. ), and H is actually happy to be going with me. We also discussed taking golf lessons on our lunch hour, and went to the driving range to sign up. First lesson is next Wednesday. YAY.
H's friends are getting together to golf and needed a fourth. H asked if I could go and when his friends said yes, his eyes lit up and he looked so excited for me to say yes. He says with his words that he doesn't care if I come along or not - or that he can be with anyone and have just as much fun - but his eyes and expressions say differently.
We got lunch, and the restaurant owner (who knows us) called us to pick up over the loudspeaker "lunch is ready for the two sweethearts." H and I laughed, and called each other sweetheart a few times. Later, I asked if I was his sweetheart. He laughed and looked down, not saying anything. I said "that's OK, you don't have to say anything, I know I am." More confidence, he seemed to take it in and didn't react. I'll call that a score for me.
I looped my arm around his as we walked to our cars. He said "shall I escort madame to her car?" Now, mind you, this is from me not being able to touch him at all, to doing things like this. So, I notice each time he allows it. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. I kind of did a little whine, and he said "what?" Then realized, I was whining for a kiss. He almost imperceptibly moved towards me and then stopped. Then hugged me again. And then bounced me a few times, kissed the top of my head again, laughing the whole time. Then, he moved to grab my hand, and then stopped himself.
Why am I posting all this mundane stuff, you ask? Well, it was all subconscious movements towards him holding my hand or kissing me, and I could see him consciously stop himself. So, the desire is growing in him. Now, I just have to wait for him to act upon it.
My cainer cast from yesterday says it all...
Monday, 10th May 2004 Everything will be OK. Everything will turn out right. Everything will be sweet, satisfactory and well worthwhile... in the end. And is this the end? No. It's way past the start and past the middle too, but the story you're so concerned about is still far from told. You can't force it to a premature conclusion. You have to let it take as long as it needs. If you want a recipe for success, here it is in one word: Relax. If you want it in a three word phrase try 'create a diversion'. The best thing you can do is look elsewhere while a process unfolds at a natural pace. To hear how a minor miracle could soon prove perfectly possible.
Yup, I knew it all along, it will be alright between us. I know it will. Never had any doubt, just didn't know how to get there. Now, I have the roadmap, and a willing spouse. What else could a girl want?
Everyone, believe in yourselves, believe in DBing, and most of all, never lose hope. I truly believe my not losing hope has been the reason why my M WILL work out in the end, and H WILL love me again.
In a bit, I think I will post new goals. For now, thanks again for supporting me even though I haven't been there for everyone else lately.
Anyway...
), and H is actually happy to be going with me. We also discussed taking golf lessons on our lunch hour, and went to the driving range to sign up. First lesson is next Wednesday. YAY. 
