Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[sandi2]

Ok, so I think I may have royally F'd things up.

Last night I was waiting for my W so we could leave for my youngest son's meeting.  She came to put her shoes on and announced "I'm going to drive and drop you off because I have to go meet someone somewhere else."  She didn't say who, so I assumed it was the OM.  She said she was dropping us at the school and then going to a church. 

A perfect example of her taking the dominate position. This is exactly what you should be saying to her. Not her saying it to you. Get it? Look at how she stated it. She was in charge, and giving you no real information or details about her business.

In my quest to assert dominance,  I said that I would drive and drop her off.  She asked why, I said because that's what I want to do. She again asked why,  I said "because that's my decision."   She said "Your decision. You are such an ass," and said that always had to make things harder. 

It was an immediate power struggle. The battle was on! And, unfortunately, she won, b/c she is much better at this than you.

As we started driving she started in again about me driving and was getting loud.  I told her she didnt need to yell or get upset with me, just talk to me.  She said that she was mad at me for many reasons. I asked if she would care to share,  she said "Not right now I wouldn't. "

Okay, let me point out a couple of things.......so you can learn from your mistakes. First, you should not tolerate her yelling at you in front of your son. That should be a boundary. Never tolerate your W showing disrespect toward you in front of others......especially your children. They learn from watching you. Your son needs to know how to deal with a horsey, b'itchy WW.........least he becomes another Beta male.

The second mistake in the above quote is that instead of putting her in her in her place (Libbers will love this!) you invited your disrespecting W to just share with you. Not very Alpha.

She then started in with "you love me so much, you sure are proving it.  You haven't text me in a week. You couldn't even make it three weeks texting me."  I said all you would give me were one word answers, so I took that as you not wanting me to."  "Yeah" was her reply.

More of the same........and all in front of your son.

Once we got the church things escalated.  We get there and that's when I find out that the meeting is actually there and she was going to the school.  I told her we could drop him off and I could take her.  My heels were dug in at this point and all I was thinking was that I needed to stand my ground, but it really did make more sense for her to take the car. She was sceaming at me "why are you doing this?" Over and over and refused to get out of the car.  I mean b@tsh!t crazy screaming.  I remained calm and spoke at a normal leve the whole time. I have never seen her like this in 33 years

Her heels were dug in deeper than yours. She is very wayward, and she is showing the fruits of what has been building over the years. Perhaps you failed to see it in the past b/c you always handed the reigns to her, and it had to get this dramatic to open your eyes.

Because my son was in the car and he did not need to see this, I relented and let her take the car.

OMG! I don't know which was worse, him seeing this behavior played out before him......or his dad relenting to it.

On the way home, there were not many words between us.  We spoke to our son and when we did speak, it was about his meeting.  I tried to act as if nothing happened and appeared happy and positive.  

Great, now he thinks this is suppose to be normal behavior between spouses..........or else both his parents are wacko.

When we got to our road, which is dirt, she slowed down and avoided the potholes where the pavement meets the dirt.  I thanked her for going slowly over them. 

Um......no! Sounds too much like, "I'll play extra nice now, so maybe you won't be so mad at me". The woman made meatloaf out of you.....in front of your son, and now you are like some little junior high school girl saying, "Oh, thanks ever so much for not knocking the bottom out of the car".

She replied "I'm mad at you, not your car."  I busted out laughing. I mean rolling.  It was hilarious.   I could see her smiling and laughing a bit  (probably at me).   A minute or two later, still finding it funny, I stated chuckling again.  She said "you're going to miss me when I'm gone."

Seriously?! It is not funny, whatsoever. She acted horrible earlier and now everyone will just have a laugh and forget about it?

A few hours later she was lying on the bed playing with her phone.  I went in and closed the door.  I told her the reason I dug my heels in is that I was offended that told me that she was taking my car instead of asking and that I understood her to say that she had to go to the church.   She insisted that she asked if she could and that she said she had to go to the school not the church.  That is not what she said originally.

Oh Lordy, Lordy! Beta, Beta, Beta. You should have been telling her that you will not be disrespected in front of your son ever again. And then tell her what to expect if she EVER tries to pull that stunt again.

I apologized for the misunderstanding and said that we should have taken a little more time to talk about it.

Noooooooooo............please tell me you did not apologize!

I told her I was never mad, just offended and that I'm trying

.

Why.......why.......why???

Overall, she was blaming me and having none of my explanation.  

Exactly! You should not have been apologizing and explaining how hurt you were and how you are trying, etc., etc. Why were you defending yourself? That's what nice-guys do. They explain and explain, b/c they want to make up with the W. But the problem is that she is the one who is wrong. She is the wayward! Can you see how this was you staying in the submission role, b/c it feels more comfortable to you. And, she still comes out being in the dominating position.

So, how bad did I screw this up? As I said, I have never seen her this angry

Here's the thing. This was not just a one time scr@w up. This has been a pattern in your marriage relationship. She has you on trial, and you are knocking yourself out to prove to her what a good H you can be. But as long as she is in the dominating position, you will never be the H she truly desires.

I hope you will see that I was not trying to shred you apart, but use your post to demonstrate what I have recently tried to explain. It really is a perfect example of Beta behavior, and what not to do with a WW.

I think you need to do a lot of studying about the nice guy syndrome, and the Alpha vs Beta males. You really need to grasp it, and not use it as some technique. It makes me so sad to think that you believed you were making the right moves, and that you truely couldn't see your mistakes. Or......could you? You knew you f'cked up, but did you know how? Were you assuming you messed up....b/c the night ended with your WW still pi$$ed at you? Was that the determining factor?