It is great you have been detaching and are feeling better.
I am going to tell you something I don't ordinarily tell a newcomer......well, maybe not this soon anyway. It is time for you to make a stand, and she will have a decision to make. (1). She can quit her trashy job, and quit her trashy, young, partying friends. She can quit engaging in party buses and other such activity. She can quit the pills and get help for the addiction and any other issues. She can stop trashing her H on social media. She can stop sleeping in the van, and behave like a responsible and respectable wife and mother. Or (2) she can face the consequences of divorce and protective child services. It is her choice, but either way you will no longer stay in a relationship like the current one. She needs to know this is no idle threat, and that you are fed up and done with her behavior. She needs to believe she is losing her H and that he is ready to move on with or without her. Of course, that means you must be prepared to follow through if she doesn't choose the first option. And, she doesn't get to straddle the fence. She can't have it both ways.
She does not need to see a weak, emotional man who is pleading or bargaining with his WW. There will be no pleas, no trying to reason, and no persuasion. She will see a man who speaks with firm determination and strength. He does not waiver. He does not compromise. He tells her he has decided he will not live in this situation any longer. He will no longer be her dog to beat down. He will no longer take her punishment. If she can't forgive and move forward, then that is her problem.......but it is no longer HIS problem! Do you get that? He is through eating her sh't sandwiches. He is not attracted to the person she has become and he is done with it.
She has a choice to leave or stay. But you will not wait around for her to make up her mind. It's right now......or she leaves. But if she stays, it will be under the terms you've stated, and you don't care if she calls you controlling........b/c that is just a tool she uses to control YOU! Btw, the first time she comes home and sleeps in the van, you will put all her clothes and personal items out on the carport. Since she just drives by to get a change of clothes, you'll save her the effort of even entering the doorway. Don't be afraid to tell her you don't need a W like that.
Don't put up with her dragging up the past and rehashing all that you did wrong. WW's thrive on resentment of the past. The past cannot be undone, but this is the present. Hold up your hand in the "stop" signal, and tell her to stop. If she won't, then tell her she's made her decision and she needs to get her things and leave. Don't put up with her b.s.
Let me tell you something. She thinks you are jealous of her and other men. Maybe you are. However, she is enjoying the heck out of what it's doing to you. She is getting her revenge by throwing herself at other guys and making you squirm. She loves it! And, she takes her digs at you on a public social media like FB. Stop responding to her on FB! Men talk face to face, not get on FB and post to their WW. That is Beta behavior.
Now I want you to understand something. You must stop accepting blame for the actions your W is choosing to do! If not, then nothing you do will produce positive results between you and your W. That's what a lot of guys don't get. They sc@w up. Then they repent and get their act together. But the W won't let it go. She doesn't want to forgive him. Get it? She does not want to forgive. She has a heart issue. It's not that she can't forgive him.....but she doesn't want him getting off that easily. That's how some people see forgiving another person......as letting them off too easily. Her heart has hardened and she only wants to punish and keepon punishing him till the day she dies. Too harsh to hear? Sorry, but you need to know that if a man molds himself to his W's whipping strap......will not care how hateful she is being to him, and how good he is being to her...... and then love will just flood her heart. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. B/c she sees a man who acts like the victim she's made out of him, and she can't be attracted to a man she can verbally and emotionally (maybe even physically) beat down. Women have to look up to their man, not down. Women were made in such a way they have to respect their H, before they can have those soft, loving feelings for him. Make sense?
Do you believe you did so bad that you deserve how she treats you? Wrong! Now, she is just as guilty as you and it has to stop here. Don't take this the wrong way, but I want you to get angry about her sh'tty treatment of you. Perhaps you have been angry at some level, but you use passive-aggressive ways to show it. That's not the right way. You need to have the mindset of, "That's it! I've had enough and refuse to live this way". Mean it and stick to it. She can get therapy, or whatever it takes to find forgiveness and get her heart right toward you.......or she can go on her way. You should not have to live with an unforgiving person for the rest of your life. Life is too short!
Some people do not agree with this approach. And, you certainly don't have to do anything I suggest. After all, it's your life, not mine.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
