Been reading here for quite a while, and have made a few posts, but as it was pointed out I haven't actually told my story. For that I apologize, I am also active elsewhere and I neglected to participate here when I did start posting.
My wife and I have been together for almost 24 years now, and married for almost 18. We have no kids, no stresses in life, have had a very fortunate life together. We were always incredibly close, great communication, very open about problems and issues. We have a lot of freedom and no real challenges. She has always traveled a lot and is very active/athletic.
The first BD occurred around Jan 2017 while we were away from home on an extended stay. Looking back I reconstructed that her MLC started around three years ago. She was having more and more anger issues (she always had a bit of a temper but this was much worse). She started criticizing things about me that never were an issue before around Nov before BD. I found it odd but didn't think much of it and because we were so close and I trusted her implicitly I took her criticism to heart. This got worse and worse and then the first BD happened after a minor disagreement over an issue. She essentially did the textbook ILWBIANILWY speech verbatim, that she never wanted to be married, never wanted to have breakfast together every day (yes this random bit of a "problem" was one of the major explanations, which even at the time struck me as odd because this was not something we tended to do). I was so put off balance that my initial reaction was to try to make things work. Her basic statement was that she didn't want to spend time together but maybe see each other on "dates" 2 or 3 times a week. I not being aware of what was going on agreed to give her space, we were relatively independent people anyway. Even at this time I had already noted her very strong relationship with a "friend" she was skiing with and had point blank asked her about him. But she always waved my concerns off.
So I guess I pretzeled for about 4 weeks or so, and during this time she went away on a ski trip with the OM. When she came back I got BD2, that she was repulsed by me, that she was extremely angry and that I had essentially ruined her life. She said she wanted to get over her anger but she wasn't making much sense and I was now even more confused and lost.
Finally around end of March when we got back home she had already decided she was going to go stay with the OM for an extended ski trip. Before she left I tried to talk to her and that is when I had the final and total shark eyes/disconnect in our conversations to a point where I was deeply concerned. She was like an alien living in my wifes body (yes we all know this one, it is almost comical how they all are so alike). She told me that it was my fault she had lived our common life and if it hadn't been for me she would have been off and having a great life 20 years ago (the typical the unhappiness extends further and further back). But as she was packing up to leave I started trying to figure out what was going on and stumbled onto the MLC information resources.
I know this post is getting long so will continue part 2 in next one.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for starting a thread. There will be plenty of posters that will come along and provide support, offer advice and ask questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I should point out at this point that due my own personal history I have been through a lot of therapy and am relatively experienced in psychological processes, trauma and my wife and I both spent years talking about our childhoods, issues that arose from that, and both had been very self aware of our demons, past and present. And suddenly she went from a thoughtful, empathetic and very complex person to a child that blamed me and the world for everything and went from a strong independent woman to a victim of life. I knew something was going on but had never really realize what MLC really was about.
Fortunately and thanks to resources I found (here and including someone from here) it all started making sense and clicked. I started reconstructing what had been happening and I was stunned that even I had missed it, she had hidden her inner turmoil that well. I knew there was something going on but had no idea the depth of it. Her MLC and leaving triggered my own abandonment issues from childhood so because of that and her I went back into therapy and it was incredibly helpful. I quickly detached, stopped pursuing. arguing, hid my real emotional state, let her go and started coping on my own. It was incredibly difficult, it has been a very hard year and there are still bad days, but I talked to friends, my therapist and my sister who is also a therapist herself. But I absolutely did no engage her. I also realized that we were so close I had been seeing myself through her eyes for years, and when her lens got distorted with MLC I had started to really diminish myself as she criticized and subtly put me down over time. So the NIC, distance, realization that she was distorting everything and I had to reframe things, and my own growth all helped me with regaining my footing, and I have moved on with my life as much as I can without her.
She is cycling over this time, with regular touch and gos, and she has ranged from almost normal to a few days with me, her and OM where she acted like I did not exist while acting like the OM is her husband (and I am the stranger). She will be in contact via texts daily for a while, then will go silent for weeks. In fact we had not even seen each other for five months until a couple of weeks ago where she came to visit for a few days where I was. She has also been heavily abusing certain substances and the few times before this last trip where I saw her she was not sober almost all the time (which added to the distant/gone look). But I understood what was going on inside her, that she is in deep pain, confused and lost. I have managed to put away my love for her most of the time but maintain deep empathy. I do not get angry with her because of empathy not from denial. And I keep everthing light and superficial unless she engages.
I really have had very hard weeks/days/hours throughout this process, and I had to reexamine a lot of things about my own behaviour and decisions as I discovered how much PTSD from my childhood abandonment colored my reactions and life. In fact in a strange way she has given me an incredible gift: in confronting MLC and my own issues I have grown and feel much lighter and freer than I was before. But in this process I have also realized how much of our relationship was great and how important she is to me, and how special. And through out I committed to not leaving until necessary (she decides or demands a divorce and/or I run out of patience or ability to stay). The few times she has been more present and I have asked point blank "do you want to divorce and move on" she always immediately says "no" and then when I ask what do you want she looks very confused and says "I don't know."
What was interesting is that as I detached and moved on whenever she would reach out and here me happy and moving on she sounded puzzled an there was always a varient of "you sound so happy" in a puzzled tone. And past 2-3 months I noticed she would call out of the blue (rare occurence) and talk for over an hour at a time (again something we rarely did even before MLC). Initially it was always when she was feeling down and alone, she was just reaching back to "plan B" or maybe touching base back home. I would just listen, not try to fix anything and would just acknowledge how she felt. She always would say something like how it made her feel better talking to me. But almost every time after one of these calls she would disappear for weeks at a time (textbook MLC).
But around 3-4 weeks ago I started getting daily texts, but instead of the always light self absorbed kind they actually were a little different. And she started talking to me regularly once or twice a week. This first shift was she started actually asking how I was doing, or talk about specific things that did not involve her. Before that her interaction and behaviour was like a self absorbed 14 year old, full of emojis, flowery prose and over enthusiasm (this was not at all what she was like before the crack). I honestly could see her replay in action and when I saw pictures of her or saw her I could see the teenager in her behaviour, language and even in her eyes and facial expression. But the past few weeks she was consistently more like her age and much more like her old self.
When we met this last time she was mostly back to the way she was before the BD. Where before she would barely give me a peck on the cheek she was holding my arm when walking, giving me hugs, and the entire body language and interaction was back to normal. Only thing that was missing was any intimacy and even she unprompted said she really was thinking we should be intimate but the thought still made her recoil. We had a very good and active sex life until it suddenly stopped around a year ago, and she had told me how she found me repulsive, and then slowly it became "I never wanted to have sex with you, I made myself" as the crises progressed. But otherwise she was behaving like her old self, we had a very good few days, and she thanked me multiple times and said over and over how much she enjoyed seeing me again. And made plans for us to meet up in about a month when I go back to our second home (she is somewhere close to there).
The last interesting detail is right at the start of this last 3-4 week connection (or is it touch and go, verdict is out) she said she had stopped using all substances for a few weeks, she had realized she had been very depressed all year, she had gone home for a few days (where she had said when she left she was never coming back) and how much she enjoyed being home. She even reconnected with our pets (where on her way out her cat of 20 years was dying and she didn't even see the cat on her way out). And during one of our talks she said "I abandoned you didn't I?" with a lot of guilt in her voice. I immediately realized what was going on and firmly told her no, that I am an adult, that she left me but she did not abandon me, that she did what she had to do, and I am ok. That seemed to really release something. I have to point out that I have AmyC here to thank greatly for her posts, they gave me a great deal of insight into what is going on with her. And I knew that she would be having a great deal of shame and guilt about her behaviour that may stop her from being able to confront herself. So I did my best to minimize that. And she seemed much more relaxed and that setup the basis for a lot of talks we had when she did come and visit.
So where am I? Where are we? She is either starting to exit the tunnel and or has cycled one more time to connection, verdict is out. But she is much much better, stronger, is taking responsibility for herself and says things like "its me, I have issues" rather than blaming the world. She seems much more present and connected with everyone (including me), much calmer (where she was angry, anxious and unhappy before), talks a lot more about us/our without committing to anything, where before it was all about her and words like never/etc. I believe she is coming out of the tunnel but still has a way to go. I understand she needs to do this ALONE and no matter how positive the signs I am staying detached and away. We had a lot of deep and good talks and I in vaguest terms told her I knew what was going on with her (after she asked me to tell her what I saw was happening, we always were each others sounding boards, outside observer and guide through our years). She took it all in without reacting and actually said some of it helped her piece things back together. She admits she is confused and doesn't remember things. So we are both continuing on our separate paths, but we both acknowledged that we would like our paths to rejoin.
So I will stay quiet and calm, continue on, and let things unfurl as they want to. I am living my life. And I have to acknowledge all the wonderful people here and elsewhere who have shared, cared, and educated those of us who are new to this terrible club. And I have posted my story as it happened in other places (I had not found this place early on or it would have been here) both to get support and to give back to others who will unfortunately find my story as they are hit by this truck. My story is not finished, but I have committed to honestly report and document hoping to help others like so many here have been helping people like me. I can not state my gratitude enough to all of you, you did save me in a very important way in a very dark and difficult time in my life.
Thanks for sharing. You seem like you are in such a good place, wow. So it seems like you have been able to maintain your friendship with your w even though she is living separately with OM? That’s an impressive level of detachment.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I would not say there is any friendship, such a thing is not possible with someone in MLC. They are so self absorbed and myopic that it’s all about them. I have just listened and on few occasions when she was “present” talked lightly. Attempting to engage or emotionally connect to someone in the throws of MLC is called touching the stove for a reason. I do have a few deep emotional burns to show as proof.
Marvin, I am sorry you find yourself here. Your story is very typical of someone in MLC but I must say you sound like a very understanding and patient person! I really wish I was as strong as you so early on in my sitch to be able to detach from my H! I'm still not detached and it will be two years in May since we separated!
I think everyone will agree that she probably still has a way to go but it sounds like you are giving her plenty of space and time. I think I can learn a lot from you! Thanks for posting!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks for the kind words but believe me I have had a lot of very bad days, down days, struggle, sleepless nights, etc. I found a big lifeline here and elsewhere, and I am just taking things one day at a time. Also honestly I would say my W's MLC is in the "lighter" end of the spectrum, I read the behaviour of others spouses here and am horrified. Also no kids which makes it less complicated. So in a rather ironic way I consider myself lucky.
