So I did a little bit of spur of the moment sale shopping, which I used to do a lot of but don' any more. One of my habits I changed in this whole process.
And I went to my creative workspace and did some work there. I really opened my heart and asked for more of that kind of work for this year, and I'm not joking, almost immediately I got a couple of enquiries. We'll see where they lead (if anywhere).
This morning I had a quick look at (I can now say it!) XH's FB page. He's not changed anything...still has that he is M to me. I think he's just forgotten. Anyway, he posted a picture from about the time he ran away, with a comment saying something along the lines of his beard (which he'd had for years) is shaved off, and the shaving of it was scary. That was the most normal thing he'd posted in a bit. Some of the other stuff was very weird, totally random.
Well, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from me. I realise there was a big part of me that was constantly on the alert, waiting for him to do something that might cause me pain or discomfort, or confusion, or need some sort of processing on my part.
And some that was to do with my house. He might have been entitled to some of it as a result of all the money that he'd paid in towards the mortgage over the years, and the thought of that was worrying me. But he would have had to have asked a lawyer about it, and actively done something about it. My guess is that he just didn't bother.
As with pretty much everything in life, he was happy to let things fall into his lap or just drift by him. One of the last, good, conversations we had was about how he could bring a much loved/dreamed of project of his to life. He had no idea how to do this, in spite of how talented he was. I've got a lot of experience of putting projects together, so I was happy to chat and give him some ideas and pointers.
The only exception to the letting things fall into his lap or drift by this was of course OW (and me before that). Hot pursuit would be the only way to describe what went on there.
I suppose the not actively pursuing a goal, letting things fall into your lap or drift by is a little immature really? I don't know. I guess the plus side of that is that you're open to whatever experiences come your way and not fixed on a particular goal. Perhaps a balance is good then...working towards something, but not closed off to what might come your way?
