And, on the down side...I've managed to crack a filling through grinding my teeth at night.
This will be the third filling I've cracked (all on the same side) in the past 4 years.
I think I've actually also cracked the tooth as well unfortunately.
At least I've got a dentist's appointment. I have a massive fear of dentists (to the point where I'm on the verge of having a panic attack when I'm there, in the room) and in my past life I probably wouldn't have acted on sorting it so quickly I was so scared.
But I'm taking responsibility and facing my fears so that I can look after myself.
Tooth is a bit sore. I've had a look and I've actually cracked it as well as the filling (it's a molar, right at the back).
I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday, so I have almost a week wait. And then however many days after that before I go back for the actual treatment. I have a feeling the dentist will say that it has to come out because of the cracked tooth. If it was just a cracked filling, I think she would just replace that...she's done that in the past. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself because of it.
One of the companies that I have done/do a lot of work for had cancelled all my work for January and February. They've also downgraded the title of my job, added some more responsibilities, and asked me to reapply/come for an interview. Weirdly the rate of pay remains the same. Turns out it's part of a bigger thing that's going on with the company, and not just about me and the work I've done for them up to now.
Upshot is that I have no work for January and February (and obviously no money coming in) and nothing on the horizon for after that.
In my past life I would have ended up on a downward spiral over it and feeling really low (and feeling low about myself too). I guess I had a bit of a victim mentality?
Now? It's weird. I can feel myself swithering. There's a small part of me that wants to just fall back into my old way of being. But there's a big part of me that doesn't want to, and wants to make the best use the time and energy I have now and for the rest of the day, and feel as good as I can about myself now and today.
I realise that the quickest and most painless way out of the totally unexpected situation I'm at the moment in is to sort my way of thinking about it, as it's the one thing I have control over. It's up to me how I make use to the time and energy that I have and I feel that I want to use them positively and proactively. I guess I've toughened up a bit over the past couple of years, eh?
I called the court that's dealing with the D paperwork, just to find out if it had been posted out. It had indeed been processed and been posted out. So I think it should be with me some time this week. It feels like I just can't wait for it to be finalised now. I don't talk about any of this with anyone, apart from you guys and the wonderful man I'm with now. He's been through a D (7 or 8 years ago now) but still has some contact with his EXW as they have two now adult children. She had an A with her boss.
So, as I wait for my dentist appointment next week, I have my CV to update (almost done with this) and mail off to a few people, my tax return to finish (almost done with this too), D to finalise, my mortgage to pay off and some savings to move around.
I think there's probably a big part of me that feels I have given it enough thought over the past 2 and a half years. That I am so done with carrying the weight of all the feeling and thoughts that I've had about about it. Anyone recognise that feeling?
Part of me is feeling totally nothing at all.
On the plus side, I get to go into the bank on Monday morning and pay off my mortgage.
That's the result of all the careful and very hard work I've been doing this past year, emotionally, professionally and financially. It's been bloody difficult and hard, but by heavens above, I feel I am standing on solid ground and I can hold my head high because of all of that.
Coming from someone who had a very peripatetic and insecure childhood (we were homeless for a year at one point), that's everything at the moment.
I'll just enjoy feeling safe and secure for today, I think. That's already enough.
So in the past week, I've had all the work I had booked in for January and February cancelled (at the last minute, with no sign of any future work fro the company), I've lost a zero hours job, I've had a client I sent a contract to change her mind about it and back out, I've cracked a molar, and now I've cracked the bath.
Depends where the crack is. Where is Phoebe? She would know.
I fixed my bath with bath cement, topped off with silcone and then enamel. Sod the look of it, at least it was watertight. And remember to put water into the bath and fix it whilst squatting in the bath. It's the weight you see, it pulls the crack open!
That's as much as I know about it.
Ain't much.....
Good on you for reframing the negative to positive.
My lovely focus I just know it will be ok.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Frustration...I just have to keep my focus on moving forward, through the crappy things, right through to the other side.
** Positives: I have been in my house for 23 odd years now. The bathroom wasn't new when I moved in. It could do with a refresh. Now is the time obviously. Well, not **right now** but one that should be on my radar for the near future.
** Positives: I updated my freelance work CV (the work that's in the same field as m EX).
I've always just replied on what came along in that field, and never actively reached out to find some work. So last week I worked on my CV and a covering letter. And dang, it's impressive. in 14 years of working in that industry I've amassed some very impressive experience.
So I sent some targeted (personal) emails to look for some freelance work for this year. And I've had some very positive answers back.
** Positives: I took part in an event for my creative work yesterday. Not only did it feel really good, but I got a chance to chat with some industry friends I haven't seen for a good while, and we bandied about a few ideas for projects for this year.
** Positives: Dentist tomorrow. At the moment I am feeling more happy to be doing something proactive for my health and being adult about it, than feeling afraid and wanting to run away (I am **majorly** frightened of the dentist and have been since I was a child, so this is a really big step for me).
I also spoke of my fears with the wonderful man I'm with. Tricky one for me...I'm trying to let myself know that it's OK to let someone in and let them be close to you when you're not at your best, either physically or psychologically.
But our life together is so peaceful and calm and gentle, that it somehow feels safe and OK for me to do so.
** Positives Today is the day I pay off my mortgage.
I'm going to make it a bit of a thing. Get dressed nicely, make sure my hair and makeup is well done.
One of my friends suggested treating myself to something afterwards. There's nothing that I particularly want to buy. I would love a good health and creative work day today though, so perhaps I will make that my treat to myself?
So I did a little bit of spur of the moment sale shopping, which I used to do a lot of but don' any more. One of my habits I changed in this whole process.
And I went to my creative workspace and did some work there. I really opened my heart and asked for more of that kind of work for this year, and I'm not joking, almost immediately I got a couple of enquiries. We'll see where they lead (if anywhere).
This morning I had a quick look at (I can now say it!) XH's FB page. He's not changed anything...still has that he is M to me. I think he's just forgotten. Anyway, he posted a picture from about the time he ran away, with a comment saying something along the lines of his beard (which he'd had for years) is shaved off, and the shaving of it was scary. That was the most normal thing he'd posted in a bit. Some of the other stuff was very weird, totally random.
Well, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from me. I realise there was a big part of me that was constantly on the alert, waiting for him to do something that might cause me pain or discomfort, or confusion, or need some sort of processing on my part.
And some that was to do with my house. He might have been entitled to some of it as a result of all the money that he'd paid in towards the mortgage over the years, and the thought of that was worrying me. But he would have had to have asked a lawyer about it, and actively done something about it. My guess is that he just didn't bother.
As with pretty much everything in life, he was happy to let things fall into his lap or just drift by him. One of the last, good, conversations we had was about how he could bring a much loved/dreamed of project of his to life. He had no idea how to do this, in spite of how talented he was. I've got a lot of experience of putting projects together, so I was happy to chat and give him some ideas and pointers.
The only exception to the letting things fall into his lap or drift by this was of course OW (and me before that). Hot pursuit would be the only way to describe what went on there.
I suppose the not actively pursuing a goal, letting things fall into your lap or drift by is a little immature really? I don't know. I guess the plus side of that is that you're open to whatever experiences come your way and not fixed on a particular goal. Perhaps a balance is good then...working towards something, but not closed off to what might come your way?
Paying off the mortgage, that's great!!!! I had hoped to pay off the mortgage on my post divorce house in the first ten years but life has gotten in the way; still I look forward to that day!
