Well, here goes. Let’s try this again. By now, this post is huge. Sorry, but I thought I should put it all in here so you can all see my positives and mistakes.
Friday night, I went out with friends from work. H said to have fun, but when I came home, he was in a cranky mood. I didn’t know why, thought it must be work. It quickly became clear he was feeling left out and jealous when I sat to watch t.v. with him and he told me that I didn’t have to, he didn’t want to take up my time. Boy, H never before displayed these childish behaviors, but oh well, he’s changing, I’m changing. So, I got him a scotch and went to clean the bedroom. Came back a few times to tease him, after all, why waste being dressed up? Well, H took the bait and we ML on the couch. I told him I had big plans for later, and he asked if he could have an “appetizer.” Who am I to refuse?
Went back to cleaning. Burned some sandalwood in the bedroom, which H loves. Got him to take a nice hot shower while I cooked him a snack before bed. Then had him lie down and I massaged him for about an hour. Well, I looked into his eyes a few times and he looked at me with love. I saw it, I know I wasn’t hallucinating. He began to cry and said at first, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m so emotional.” Later, he said “you care so much about how I feel.” Again, with tears in his eyes. I won’t get into the whole stuff, but suffice it to say, it was a great night.
I did ask him to kiss me, and he resisted at first, and then kissed my back as his excitement grew. So, it’s better than my forehead, I’ll take it.
The next day, we seemed to be getting along so well, I asked him to read “The Truth About Love.” Great book for those of you interested. Very DB type stuff. Goes into the stages of love from infatuation to true, enduring love. Also mentions Michele as being a friend and mentor. Says a lot of DB stuff in it. Anyway, HE AGREED!!!
We were then at the store and the clerk came up and kidded that I must be H’s first priority. He said, no, first his car. I joked and said “then dogs, then kids, then scotch, then work, I think I may be in there somewhere.” Everyone laughed, but after the clerk left, I smirked and told H in my best self-assured attitude “You know that’s not true.” H nodded yes, and I took that as affirmation that he does have feelings for me. I wanted to be cocky and say “admit it, you do have feelings for me.” But, I didn’t.
Later, he did some nice things for me. Like I was doing dishes and was thirsty and he was drinking water, so he held the glass for me to drink, without me asking for it. Little things that I used to take for granted but now appreciate so much. Also, he caught me crying. When we came home from being out bike riding all day, his kids had trashed the house. I felt overwhelmed and when he asked why I was crying, I told him so. He got angry and said, “That’s it! I am having a heart to heart with S14 tomorrow.” And he did. I felt like he is protecting me again. H had not been showing the same respect for me in prior months, and I think the kids picked up on that and began to disrespect me as well.
Well, then, last night, H was in a bad mood when I got home from school at 9. I finished making the dinner he had started and tried to get him to relax. He wanted to clean house, so I helped him and then went to bed. When he came in, I began to massage him again. At first he resisted because of his mood, but then gave in and said it felt nice and was relaxing him. I began to tease him, but he was annoying me. Once again, with his hands behind his neck and his eyes closed, he wanted me to ML to him like that. Well, I didn’t give in and went on and on touching him for two hours until he finally began to touch me back, then I let him have what he wanted.
Today, I was so frustrated by it all. He says he is ready to recommit to the marriage, but won’t touch or kiss me. So, how is he ever going to get over the awkwardness and begin to see me as a wife and not a sister if he keeps treating me like a sister outside the bedroom and a whore in the bedroom? How will he ever begin to allow himself to have feelings for me again? First he has to do loving things, then the feelings will come. Right?
I am so angry at this point. But, I am reasonable and patient, and I convince myself to wait and discuss it after he reads the book. But, then I signed an email “Love your sister.” He asked at lunch about it. I was bold and self assured and as sexy as possible. Leading him on... I told him that if he is ever going to get over the feelings of me being like a sister, he has to act like I am not his sister. I am his wife, not his sister and not his whore. He nodded as if he understood and saw my point. I did go a bit far I think and told him that he does have feelings for me. When he sleeps he holds my hand, when he drinks, he looks like he wants to kiss me, cries and gets emotional. I told him that subconsciously he is telling me he loves me, and I understand that it’s scary. He’s gone a year telling himself that he doesn’t love me, he’s hurt me, and hurt himself. I understand and can be patient. I know that it is a hard road to coming back to believing that he does have feelings for me.
I also told him that I understand his EA now. It was with a girl he described as being like me. Pretty, fun, and nice. Well, she also had a lot less education, kids (baggage) and lower paying job. Not important in the big scheme, I know, but I made the point that he may have felt less pressure to be impressive and just be able to be himself around her. That’s why he fell for her. But, he knew that he never could be with her, which is why he got careless so I would find out about it and finally broke it off. I mean, what was he going to do? Move her three kids into our house with his 3 kids and start the Brady bunch?
Well, this just happened, so we will see how he reacts. Will he begin to act as if he has these feelings for me and wait for them to resurface? Let’s see. Did I just blow it by laying out all my cards on the table? I don’t know if I felt too emboldened by his agreeing to read the book, or if it really was time to have this talk between us.
I also ordered the Marriage Breakthrough tapes. Should be here soon, I hope.
