Hi Rottz, I'm looking foward to your update, will check back with you later. good things/bad things/weird things -- they all seem to intermix, dont they? Deb
Just an idea since your puter keeps crashing-copy periodically after writing some, then when you get back in, you should be able to paste it. Or write in Word and save as you go, then copy and paste it. I had a prob. w/losing posts, so I've gotten more careful!!
Yes, good and bad happens. The key is to make the bad less bad and the good more good! And for me, sometimes just a little bad is enough to send me/us back to square one. So, keep that in mind. I'm curious too. What's up?
Well, here goes. Let’s try this again. By now, this post is huge. Sorry, but I thought I should put it all in here so you can all see my positives and mistakes.
Friday night, I went out with friends from work. H said to have fun, but when I came home, he was in a cranky mood. I didn’t know why, thought it must be work. It quickly became clear he was feeling left out and jealous when I sat to watch t.v. with him and he told me that I didn’t have to, he didn’t want to take up my time. Boy, H never before displayed these childish behaviors, but oh well, he’s changing, I’m changing. So, I got him a scotch and went to clean the bedroom. Came back a few times to tease him, after all, why waste being dressed up? Well, H took the bait and we ML on the couch. I told him I had big plans for later, and he asked if he could have an “appetizer.” Who am I to refuse?
Went back to cleaning. Burned some sandalwood in the bedroom, which H loves. Got him to take a nice hot shower while I cooked him a snack before bed. Then had him lie down and I massaged him for about an hour. Well, I looked into his eyes a few times and he looked at me with love. I saw it, I know I wasn’t hallucinating. He began to cry and said at first, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m so emotional.” Later, he said “you care so much about how I feel.” Again, with tears in his eyes. I won’t get into the whole stuff, but suffice it to say, it was a great night.
I did ask him to kiss me, and he resisted at first, and then kissed my back as his excitement grew. So, it’s better than my forehead, I’ll take it.
The next day, we seemed to be getting along so well, I asked him to read “The Truth About Love.” Great book for those of you interested. Very DB type stuff. Goes into the stages of love from infatuation to true, enduring love. Also mentions Michele as being a friend and mentor. Says a lot of DB stuff in it. Anyway, HE AGREED!!!
We were then at the store and the clerk came up and kidded that I must be H’s first priority. He said, no, first his car. I joked and said “then dogs, then kids, then scotch, then work, I think I may be in there somewhere.” Everyone laughed, but after the clerk left, I smirked and told H in my best self-assured attitude “You know that’s not true.” H nodded yes, and I took that as affirmation that he does have feelings for me. I wanted to be cocky and say “admit it, you do have feelings for me.” But, I didn’t.
Later, he did some nice things for me. Like I was doing dishes and was thirsty and he was drinking water, so he held the glass for me to drink, without me asking for it. Little things that I used to take for granted but now appreciate so much. Also, he caught me crying. When we came home from being out bike riding all day, his kids had trashed the house. I felt overwhelmed and when he asked why I was crying, I told him so. He got angry and said, “That’s it! I am having a heart to heart with S14 tomorrow.” And he did. I felt like he is protecting me again. H had not been showing the same respect for me in prior months, and I think the kids picked up on that and began to disrespect me as well.
Well, then, last night, H was in a bad mood when I got home from school at 9. I finished making the dinner he had started and tried to get him to relax. He wanted to clean house, so I helped him and then went to bed. When he came in, I began to massage him again. At first he resisted because of his mood, but then gave in and said it felt nice and was relaxing him. I began to tease him, but he was annoying me. Once again, with his hands behind his neck and his eyes closed, he wanted me to ML to him like that. Well, I didn’t give in and went on and on touching him for two hours until he finally began to touch me back, then I let him have what he wanted.
Today, I was so frustrated by it all. He says he is ready to recommit to the marriage, but won’t touch or kiss me. So, how is he ever going to get over the awkwardness and begin to see me as a wife and not a sister if he keeps treating me like a sister outside the bedroom and a whore in the bedroom? How will he ever begin to allow himself to have feelings for me again? First he has to do loving things, then the feelings will come. Right?
I am so angry at this point. But, I am reasonable and patient, and I convince myself to wait and discuss it after he reads the book. But, then I signed an email “Love your sister.” He asked at lunch about it. I was bold and self assured and as sexy as possible. Leading him on... I told him that if he is ever going to get over the feelings of me being like a sister, he has to act like I am not his sister. I am his wife, not his sister and not his whore. He nodded as if he understood and saw my point. I did go a bit far I think and told him that he does have feelings for me. When he sleeps he holds my hand, when he drinks, he looks like he wants to kiss me, cries and gets emotional. I told him that subconsciously he is telling me he loves me, and I understand that it’s scary. He’s gone a year telling himself that he doesn’t love me, he’s hurt me, and hurt himself. I understand and can be patient. I know that it is a hard road to coming back to believing that he does have feelings for me.
I also told him that I understand his EA now. It was with a girl he described as being like me. Pretty, fun, and nice. Well, she also had a lot less education, kids (baggage) and lower paying job. Not important in the big scheme, I know, but I made the point that he may have felt less pressure to be impressive and just be able to be himself around her. That’s why he fell for her. But, he knew that he never could be with her, which is why he got careless so I would find out about it and finally broke it off. I mean, what was he going to do? Move her three kids into our house with his 3 kids and start the Brady bunch?
Well, this just happened, so we will see how he reacts. Will he begin to act as if he has these feelings for me and wait for them to resurface? Let’s see. Did I just blow it by laying out all my cards on the table? I don’t know if I felt too emboldened by his agreeing to read the book, or if it really was time to have this talk between us.
I also ordered the Marriage Breakthrough tapes. Should be here soon, I hope.
wow, Rottz, lots going on. It honestly seems to me like you have made some giant steps in a short time, though....I think the facts that your H is agreeing with many of your statements and willing to read the book are huge reflections of your progress.
Your comment that OW was more easily impressed by your H kind of hit home for me....that must be a part of it for my H as well. Also about setting it up so he would get caught...Sounds so familiar! maybe it's a kind of cry for help. Hang in...Patience is so hard to come by, but you really are making huge strides.
Rottz, I can understand your frustration and anger. Only you can determine whether or not confronting him is the right thing to do.
One thing that stands out to me though (because I do the same thing), is that you are trying TOO hard. It seems like you are throwing yourself at him and not giving him the chance to build up his sexual feelings for you. Chances are he is feeling pressured, and probably does not really feel like he is being very manly or acceptable to you.
You have talked about backing off in other aspects of your home life, can this be one of those items too? Believe me, I understand WANTING sex and to be wanted by your h, but what can you do instead? Like, continuing the massages w/o having sex in mind, holding hands, spooning, etc.
Went out for a date night Wed. New thing for us. Dinner and a movie. H said he had a nice time.
Thurs H text'd me while I was out on my lunchtime bike ride. I obviously didn't get it. He emailed me, and I typed a reply, but was holding it so as not to seem eager to respond. Within a minute, H was calling me to ask where I was and why I didn't respond. YAY! I win.
Went out to meet with friends for our usual Thurs night out. I told H about how on my bike ride, I was passing people and getting them to talk to me. It's a big time in my tech park for people to get out jogging, so there were plenty to talk to. H smiled. He always liked about me that I was outgoing. Said it was something that had changed about me. Well, I was stressed for years, so he's probably right.
Got to restaurant and saw another friend that H works with. Went to talk to him and got him to laugh a bit. Then, some other guys that come into the restaurant when we usually do came in and I went to talk to them. Made them laugh. Went back to H and our group, and H asked me if I could "stop spreading joy around so much." He looked very happy. I felt very close to him last night.
So, we went home and I had told H earlier that I wanted to ML. He pretended to sleep and I got into bed and snuggled with him. He asked if that was the best I could do taking what I wanted. I laughed, didn't realize he was playing with me. So, I got ML and he looked into my eyes. It was nice, but I think he got uncomfortable a few times when I touched his face. Got to remember not to do that. It's such a huge step when he decides to look at me that I don't want to destroy it.
This a.m. we woke up and ML again and I served him breakfast in bed. He enjoyed that. Emailed me once already. Looking forward to our weekend together. Tonight we go out with friends to a restaurant. Tomorrow bike riding in the a.m. and amusement park in the p.m. Then we'll be going out dancing with friends later Sat. Fun packed weekend, I am going to see if I can get him drinking Sat night to pull more emotions out of him. It seems when he lets his guard down is when he allows himself to feel for me.
Lots of good happening, a few times I was feeling insecure.
H agreed to watch Michele's tapes. YAY.
Last night we had our second weekly date night, saw another movie. Went home and watched t.v. and I wrapped my legs around him. H saw my new toe ring and started exclaiming how cute it was and how cute I was and playing with me. Then we ML and he looked at me tenderly. I didn't pressure him with my eyes to kiss me, and I felt like we really connected, for the second time since I started talking openly about DBing (little bits only) and how we will get our M back on track.
Still no holding hands or kissing, but I did have a talk with him about it. Told him that he hasn't done it in so long that of course it will feel awkward. He has convinced himself that he will never feel love for me again. He nodded in agreement, and I noticed him opening himself to me a lot more. I told him a second time that I believe he loves me, it's more than just caring for me like a friend. All these things actually seem to be going against DB principles, but it seems to be working for us. You see, H has had some things set in his mind for so long (1) He's not happy (2) He doesn't know why, but doesn't feel passionate love for me anymore (3) magic is gone and we will never get it back.
By talking about it and pointing out to him the babysteps we have made, he is changing his mind a bit to seeing the possibilities. I reminded him about the basketball experiment where three groups were divided. One practiced shooting hoops, one did nothing, another just imagined shooting. At the end of the experiment, the most improved were those who envisioned the shooting of baskets. That just proves how powerful our minds really are. So, when I reminded H of one of his favorite things, mind over matter, he began to see how his belief that our M was over was a self fulfilling prophecy, and all he has to do now is believe and act differently and it will change again.
Of course, I am blessed to have a H that doesn't want to leave anymore, just doesn't really know what he wants or needs. He's more confused and hurt now than anything else.
Told me that he doesn't have feelings for OW, ever since he realized what she was really about. (Making him feel good, something he wasn't getting from me.) He's still embarrassed about having an EA and doesn't like to talk about it, but is kind and answers my questions when and if I ever have them.
I know he will love me again one day, I can feel it. Now, it's time for more patience. I have planted the seeds by telling him that he has to touch me to make it feel right again, he does love me, etc. He will read the Love book and watch the MB tapes, and then I hope his eyes will be opened even more to the possibilities.
Let's hope anyway.
Work is going through some tough times, sorry not to have posted to all my DB friends lately. Barely have time now for this update. I'll post to you all as soon as I can catch up, promise. Hope you are all doing well and making babysteps happen each day.
Quote: All these things actually seem to be going against DB principles, but it seems to be working for us. You see, H has had some things set in his mind for so long (1) He's not happy (2) He doesn't know why, but doesn't feel passionate love for me anymore (3) magic is gone and we will never get it back.
NO, NO, NO!!!! Rottzilla, you have had a major breakthrough! All hail, the queen of validation!!!!!!!!
Judas Priest, woman, this guy is loving your validation!
If you can do this with him all of the time, and he feels closer to you because of this, you are well on your way to a successful reconciliation.
GO YOU
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
