So catching up ... I feel like the ghost of Christmas future here in your sitch but wanted to toss my 2 pennies into the MLC-topic fountain
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HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.
I too never felt like it was a waste, hard .. yes, asked for no, appreciated after it was all said and done .. absolutely. Like you I am not so sure I would have changed and become who I am without this ... we did the mirror work all while still standing for the marriage, at the end of the day I can look at myself knowing I did all I could do and at some point you have to let the rope grow in hopes the MLCr will get out of the muck they seem to be trapped in.
You spoke of that weight being lifted, that's exactly how I felt later in the day that the D was final. I seriously felt 20 lbs lighter and here almost 2 weeks later I am finding I am happier now than I can recall being ... limbo free is not a bad place.
As far as the courts .. yep they toss in the amount he makes, the amount you make the only thing subtracted is medical and it spits out the number, you .... him... lawyers have no control over this, it is what it is and its not something the courts will adjust typically.
Division of assets however totally different story, in my sitch she took most the assets as I wanted S10's home life relatively unchanged and I just was certain I would save the marriage, that was not the case but honestly the things left I had long since replaced or really cared little for ... as far as the lawyers were concerned I wanted a 50-50 division so that worked in my favor settlement wise.
The remark where it was his choice, its not blaming him its simply a truth dart he dislikes .. tough ... same with my ex, she had in her head what the post D life would be and sadly it just does not match reality. This will be the case for your H as now the financial reality will set in and its not what he thinks it will be so I would suspect a few bits of reactions from him which in your sitch throughout the years has been far and few between.
The one thing I was told which stuck with me in all this was when you do finally settle, understand its not going to be what you want, nor what he wants but somewhere in between .. just get to a place where you can accept the final settlement and I am here to tell you things seem to open up and the rain stops and you can feel the sun on your face knowing you did it all the right way with no 'what if's'. I left a good chunk of short term money on the table but secured my long term and that's about all I could hope for.
