The last interesting detail is right at the start of this last 3-4 week connection (or is it touch and go, verdict is out) she said she had stopped using all substances for a few weeks, she had realized she had been very depressed all year, she had gone home for a few days (where she had said when she left she was never coming back) and how much she enjoyed being home. She even reconnected with our pets (where on her way out her cat of 20 years was dying and she didn't even see the cat on her way out). And during one of our talks she said "I abandoned you didn't I?" with a lot of guilt in her voice. I immediately realized what was going on and firmly told her no, that I am an adult, that she left me but she did not abandon me, that she did what she had to do, and I am ok. That seemed to really release something. I have to point out that I have AmyC here to thank greatly for her posts, they gave me a great deal of insight into what is going on with her. And I knew that she would be having a great deal of shame and guilt about her behaviour that may stop her from being able to confront herself. So I did my best to minimize that. And she seemed much more relaxed and that setup the basis for a lot of talks we had when she did come and visit.
So where am I? Where are we? She is either starting to exit the tunnel and or has cycled one more time to connection, verdict is out. But she is much much better, stronger, is taking responsibility for herself and says things like "its me, I have issues" rather than blaming the world. She seems much more present and connected with everyone (including me), much calmer (where she was angry, anxious and unhappy before), talks a lot more about us/our without committing to anything, where before it was all about her and words like never/etc. I believe she is coming out of the tunnel but still has a way to go. I understand she needs to do this ALONE and no matter how positive the signs I am staying detached and away. We had a lot of deep and good talks and I in vaguest terms told her I knew what was going on with her (after she asked me to tell her what I saw was happening, we always were each others sounding boards, outside observer and guide through our years). She took it all in without reacting and actually said some of it helped her piece things back together. She admits she is confused and doesn't remember things. So we are both continuing on our separate paths, but we both acknowledged that we would like our paths to rejoin.
So I will stay quiet and calm, continue on, and let things unfurl as they want to. I am living my life. And I have to acknowledge all the wonderful people here and elsewhere who have shared, cared, and educated those of us who are new to this terrible club. And I have posted my story as it happened in other places (I had not found this place early on or it would have been here) both to get support and to give back to others who will unfortunately find my story as they are hit by this truck. My story is not finished, but I have committed to honestly report and document hoping to help others like so many here have been helping people like me. I can not state my gratitude enough to all of you, you did save me in a very important way in a very dark and difficult time in my life.
