Actually, H and I used to work together and it was great. That's where we met. If I got that job, we would never see each other. (It's a big place) It just brings us closer because we'd know the same people, have similar stories, be going through changes at work at the same time, and would go back to having lunch together.
We had lunch together twice this week, but it's hard because it takes us each 20 mins to get to the halfway point, which means only 1/2 hour lunch together. It'd be nice if we were closer.
Anyway, I met him for lunch yesterday and he was VERY stressed. I acted as if he was in a good mood and acted silly. He asked me why I was bouncy and wiggly and cute and I said "because the sky is blue and the sun is shining and I'm happy."
When he came home from work, I made sure to have candles burning, the kitchen cleaned up from morning dishes, food cooking (good smells) and a glass of scotch for him. He was stressed but I could sense him relax quickly and then he started smiling.
We were very close last night. He called me beautiful, kissed me a few times (not on the lips yet), and just felt like he wanted to be with me. At some point, I asked him how his life was going. He said, "You mean my personal life?" (What I meant is the fact that he has been going through changes regarding his work. Going to learn to make Japanese swords and also going to classes for advancement in his engineering position.) He said, "It's pretty f'd up." I said "I don't think it's that bad. You have a nice house, beautiful children (my stepchildren), doggies that adore you, a car you love." He responded "and I have you" I said, "Yes, you have me. And I don't think what's going on between us is that bad. We're still good together and good friends and get along and this is just not that bad. We'll get through this together." He closed his eyes and fought to hold back the tears. It was so nice to see him emotional again for a change, a babystep I've been waiting for. He used to love me so much that anytime I spoke about me or us or our future, H would have "tears of happiness" in his eyes.
At this point, I'd like to write "and for the first time, I felt like we would be OK and he would find his love for me in his heart again" because that sounds dramatic and fun to write. However, I have always known that one day, he will love me again. So, I can't write that, I can only say that it's just the first of many babysteps I expect to see in the coming months.
I am back down the 6 lbs I gained at the start of this week, so it must have been mostly water weight. I plan to keep losing so that I can do something fun for me that I've always wanted to do. I plan to compete in a fitness contest next year. H never knew me when I was in that shape. When he met me, I was 20 lbs overweight (but still looked good because of all the muscle). If he used to think I was beautiful before (hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and my H is just that crazy ), wait until he sees me at my best, contest shape! H also went up to an extreme weight for him. He was up to 233 at the beginning of this week. (His normal is 200) He has been miserable. He's not like me, when he gains a pound, you can see it. I can gain 10 and it looks like 2. (again, because of the muscle) So, I put him on the same diet, and he is excited because he has also lost 7 lbs this week. Yay for him.
So, I worked it in that we could work out together in our home gym a few days a week. (More alone time) He said he'd try it, but he is afraid of quitting because he doesn't stick with things. (my turn to shine and keep him on track) This will be a great opportunity for him to accomplish something and think of me when he looks at himself in the mirror. Added to the kenpo, we will be doing a lot of close, physical things together, which makes me very happy.
Well, time to get to work now.
Oh, PS to my journal, I've noticed lately that whenever I hold H at night, he slides way over to the edge of the bed. I had been assuming that he didn't like me holding him anymore. I decided last night to experiment and rolled over and moved away from H. Well, H rolled back over towards me, and moved over to hold me. Now I know, it was just comfortable for him. So, when he held me, his hand touched mine and this time I was awake enough to notice that it was him that held my hand. After he felt my hand there, he slid his fingers around mine. (For those of you who were following my story, I really want H to hold my hand again, and have been waking up occasionally to find him holding me. I had thought I was subconsciously, because of my strong desire, been slipping my hand into his. Now I know it was H making the move.) YAY
Again, this is proof positive of the power of positive affirmations. OK, so I didn't get the job. But I sure as heck am getting all those other things I keep telling myself I will get. Remember, the brain does not know the difference between reality and non-reality. So, if you convince yourself by repeating over and over that something will happen, I firmly believe it WILL happen.
), wait until he sees me at my best, contest shape! H also went up to an extreme weight for him. He was up to 233 at the beginning of this week. (His normal is 200) He has been miserable. He's not like me, when he gains a pound, you can see it. I can gain 10 and it looks like 2. (again, because of the muscle) So, I put him on the same diet, and he is excited because he has also lost 7 lbs this week. Yay for him. 
