Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[doodler]

My L actually wrote in the agreement that she has to ask for my permission before entering the house. It may sound petty, but it's impossible to explain how "secure" that makes me feel.

Holding,

It's not petty, it's smart. During our separation, my wife came into my house and she was being overtly provocative. I told her to get out and she left. The next week, the same thing happened. After that, I told her she was no longer welcome in my house. She hasn't been in my house since then and I think that's the best approach given her proclivity for slinging sh*t.

[Holding]

So I finished my first week with the kids. We had a good week, and it really felt like old times, us hanging at the house without "her" around (she was always working late anyway). We even had the 2 family dogs at the house (the dogs will be hers, but I agreed to let them come over with the kids until she gets a house).

Getting ready for the kid exchange was rough. S15 took care of his own stuff, but S10 had his things scattered all over the place. I hear this gets easier with time, but d@mn if this didn't svck.

I was supposed to drop them off at XW's place yesterday, but she informed me she was flying in from out of town, and would pick them up from my house 3.5 hours late.

After they left I noticed she'd set up her account on the website we'll use to communicate and schedule events. I don't know why, but just looking at the calendar on the site really got to me. Like, this is our kids' lives now. This is the result of our M... I feel awful for my kids.

Reading Blu's thread where she talked about her H reading her posts here, that got me thinking. I've always suspected that XW could be reading my posts. It's not a breach of trust for me, or really unexpected, since I know she's tried to snoop on me in the past. I do wonder what XW thinks, if she's been reading my posts. They probably make her angry. I shouldn't get into mind reading, so I'll stop there.

Suffice it to say, I think we need to be aware that our spouses can read our posts. There are things I've held back on because I didn't want my WX to know. I'd imagine others here have done the same. Be careful, folks.

[artista]

Suffice it to say, I think we need to be aware that our spouses can read our posts. There are things I've held back on because I didn't want my WX to know. I'd imagine others here have done the same. Be careful, folks.

that sux... having to hold back... but i know that it happens... remember the poster--was it Matt or something like that? his soon-to-be XW printed out all of his threads and gave them to him, at the courthouse, i think... that's just mean... it's bad enough that the people here are LBspouses, not of their own choosing, and they can't even have a safe place to vent, or seek support...

[EastTN]

Getting ready for the kid exchange was rough. S15 took care of his own stuff, but S10 had his things scattered all over the place. I hear this gets easier with time, but d@mn if this didn't svck.

My D only takes a couple of things to/from (school bag, and typically either a specific toy she wants to take, or her tablet, or bows, etc, and I expect the things she takes to come back) you may want to look into whether you can do the same. Having "stuff at mommy's" and "stuff at daddy's" makes it easier.

After they left I noticed she'd set up her account on the website we'll use to communicate and schedule events. I don't know why, but just looking at the calendar on the site really got to me. Like, this is our kids' lives now. This is the result of our M... I feel awful for my kids.

I felt the same the first time I saw the model parenting plan. To me, it says, "if you want your child on arbor day, in the year 2022, plan for it now." I thought it was ridiculous, and two adult humans should NOT have that level of difficulty with their child. And then here I am.

I still feel like I let her down, sometimes. Like I should have done better. Like I failed her by having her life turn into this. I always wanted to give my daughter something I never had: an intact family, and I couldn't.

But it takes two. Remember that. You played your part in the end of your M, but so did your ex, and you CANNOT take all of it on yourself. CANNOT. So just be the best dad you can be, and trust that things will work out for your children, and that they'll end up thriving, because you work hard to make sure they can.

[TBSakaJ9]

Getting ready for the kid exchange was rough. S15 took care of his own stuff, but S10 had his things scattered all over the place. I hear this gets easier with time, but d@mn if this didn't svck.

It does early on but it does get easier with time. It eventually becomes your new norm and you get used to it. when I have the girls Sundays, after church, are spent doing laundry and gathering their things up to take to their moms.

We have a suitcase for their clothes and 2 of those big blue IKEA bags for miscellaneous stuff, their backpacks for school and my youngest has this big stuffed lion she takes back and forth as well.

I've always suspected that XW could be reading my posts. It's not a breach of trust for me, or really unexpected, since I know she's tried to snoop on me in the past. I do wonder what XW thinks, if she's been reading my posts.

Mine can read away....I really don't care I have no held anything back.

I don't know why, but just looking at the calendar on the site really got to me. Like, this is our kids' lives now. This is the result of our M... I feel awful for my kids.

It does get better with time. It was hard at first not seeing them every day and I very much wanted an intact family as well however I do look forward now to my weeks off and not having to get them ready for school, make dinners, etc. It is very bittersweet.

[hoosjim]

Suffice it to say, I think we need to be aware that our spouses can read our posts. There are things I've held back on because I didn't want my WX to know. I'd imagine others here have done the same. Be careful, folks.

Do you think it's that easy to find this place? I only found out about this forum through a friend, and, even then, I found it very hard to navigate at first-- I think I even posted my first thread on the "infidelity" board as opposed to the newcomers board. Plus, I have religiously guarded the books, although I do think there was one time I left the house for a day and had left it in my backpack without first hiding it in my secret spot. I do think she has prolly gone through my stuff, because after a few drinks one night she mentioned "those books you've gotten", though in context pretty sure she meant some books on sexuality and also some general marriage self-help type stuff and not the DB-books which I always keep separately.

Wondering how much incentive there is for a WAS to go looking for divorce-support forums... Isn't a D what they want? Not saying it doesn't happen, just seems like it would be fairly uncommon. Anyhoo, if my W found my threads here, it would be crystal clear that it was me and that this was our sitch, so wouldn't be any point in denying it.

OTOH, I am pretty sure mine saw my journal, which I foolishly left laying around one day. Nothing too damning in there, though it did arguably show that I had a "plan to get her back."

[Holding]

that sux... having to hold back... but i know that it happens... remember the poster--was it Matt or something like that? his soon-to-be XW printed out all of his threads and gave them to him, at the courthouse, i think... that's just mean...

There's someone whose signature says something like "DB used against me in every possible way". Is that who you're thinking of?

I still feel like I let her down, sometimes. Like I should have done better. Like I failed her by having her life turn into this. I always wanted to give my daughter something I never had: an intact family, and I couldn't.

But it takes two. Remember that. You played your part in the end of your M, but so did your ex, and you CANNOT take all of it on yourself. CANNOT. So just be the best dad you can be, and trust that things will work out for your children, and that they'll end up thriving, because you work hard to make sure they can.

East, I still feel the guilt for failing my kids too. I know my XW made a sizable contribution to the demise of the M. (At least 51%, LOL. Remember that stupid argument?) But the part I was responsible for, it weighs on me heavily.

It does get better with time. It was hard at first not seeing them every day and I very much wanted an intact family as well however I do look forward now to my weeks off and not having to get them ready for school, make dinners, etc. It is very bittersweet.

I'm starting to enjoy my nights to myself, or if nothing else I'm keeping myself busy with things to do. Every night I come up with new ideas for things to do in the house. I'm gonna organize the f*ck outta the place!

Do you think it's that easy to find this place? I only found out about this forum through a friend, and, even then, I found it very hard to navigate at first-- I think I even posted my first thread on the "infidelity" board as opposed to the newcomers board.

I found it fairly quickly. I was doing research on WAW syndrome, which is something my D'd sister mentioned to me. I know I mentioned WAW syndrome to my W at some point, so if she went down the Google-hole to find it, she could have ended up here. She would've had to read a lot of threads to be sure it was me.

Plus, I have religiously guarded the books, although I do think there was one time I left the house for a day and had left it in my backpack without first hiding it in my secret spot. I do think she has prolly gone through my stuff, because after a few drinks one night she mentioned "those books you've gotten", though in context pretty sure she meant some books on sexuality and also some general marriage self-help type stuff and not the DB-books which I always keep separately.

I didn't keep my copy of DR at home, but I did bring it home one weekend, and then I got paranoid she found it for some reason, even though it was hidden at the house. I remember shortly after that weekend, her attitude toward me started to change. Maybe she did find it after all. Oh well. Hide yo' books, hide yo' threads.

Anyhoo, if my W found my threads here, it would be crystal clear that it was me and that this was our sitch, so wouldn't be any point in denying it.

Same here. And I wouldn't deny it. I'm not ashamed of anything I've posted here. It's just that it's nice to have a safe place.

On a completely different note, what ever happened to TO? I don't think I've seen her post on the boards in several months.

[artista]

Regarding TO, I have been wondering too... Last I recall, she was dealing with the hurricane in Florida... I think... A while back Leahsue had commented that she was worried that she had not heard from her...

[AnotherStander]

Suffice it to say, I think we need to be aware that our spouses can read our posts. There are things I've held back on because I didn't want my WX to know. I'd imagine others here have done the same. Be careful, folks.

Yeah it's a good idea to take precautions. The only posting and reading I did from home was on my phone. I password-protected my phone so W couldn't snoop. But I mainly read and posted from work. I kept my discussions specific to my sitch but never used names or mentioned locations so that even if W were to find these forums she wouldn't know 100% it was me posting.

Getting ready for the kid exchange was rough. S15 took care of his own stuff, but S10 had his things scattered all over the place. I hear this gets easier with time, but d@mn if this didn't svck.

It is very difficult starting out, but yes it does become routine. I remember my IC talking about establishing a "new normal" and thinking "how the hell can this EVER be normal???" But she was right, I did eventually settle into a new normal. The two girls have since grown and moved out, but S is still going back and forth and it's just purely routine at this point, no negative feelings attached to it.

My D only takes a couple of things to/from (school bag, and typically either a specific toy she wants to take, or her tablet, or bows, etc, and I expect the things she takes to come back) you may want to look into whether you can do the same. Having "stuff at mommy's" and "stuff at daddy's" makes it easier.

Great point, we did the same. S has school clothes and casual clothes at both places and of course has separate video game consoles and such. He just has to take his school backpack, swim bag and laptop back and forth. Other than the laptop it's the same stuff he carries to school and back every day.

I still feel like I let her down, sometimes. Like I should have done better. Like I failed her by having her life turn into this. I always wanted to give my daughter something I never had: an intact family, and I couldn't.

Yeah I felt like that too. Then a couple of years ago I was hiking with my younger D (19 at the time) and she told me how proud she was of how I handled everything, and how much love she felt and how much she respected me. She said 20 years was a pretty impressive run for a M and sometimes people just change and it's time to move on. I was so impressed with the maturity of that statement, and frankly surprised she had such admiration for me when I felt like I had let the kids down! The old timers here are always saying to conduct yourself with honor even when your spouse is acting the fool. I'm here to say that if you do that then in the end you and your kids win no matter what happens.

[Accuray]

Congrats, Holding, on a successful mediation, and your lawyer is correct that you can go back for child support at any time, that part is a state requirement and not a negotiation.

Regarding reading your threads, if our XW's are trying so hard to get away from us, why would they cyber stalk us?

Acc