My heart is still breaking. Yesterday, we went skiing as a family and had a great time. The tears came at day's end when I was washing dishes. After that, TV time as a threesome and I found myself curling into the far corner of the couch and saying to H, "I'm sorry. I need space." I never say that. Having his body in proximity of mine gave me the heebie jeebies. It's such a weird feeling; I feel like I don't even recognize myself. And, I feel like I've been carrying this huge heavy burden by myself, and I just can't do it anymore... and he will deeply hurt me again.
Facebook reminded me that this is the 1-year anniversary of him punching a wall last year out of anger, and breaking his hand, and of me sitting with him for 10 hours in the ER while he was terrible to me. It was the worst Monster episode I experienced. On one hand, he didn't want to be alone and, on the other hand, he didn't want to be vulnerable with me so he just kept being awful all day long but then saying I didn't have to be there but then saying he didn't want to be alone. EX/OM shut him out completely that day as he had a big response to H's uncontrolled anger of wall punching. If I could go back in time, I would have left him there... hand broken, his connection to his favorite activity (rock climbing) severed for the time being. He needed surgery; he had 6 fractures.
I wonder how much of what's happening for me is the body memory, the anniversary memory, of that extreme monster.
I'm so sad and broken hearted, and yet there is no part of me trying to reach for him. When I feel this way, I want to reach and then I wrestle with that desire. Whereas now, I just feel like reaching is pointless...? Or, I want to let the hope go?
And, I am mad at myself for "not being stronger."
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
