Having said that, and I'm not trying to be polemic or provocative (to the contrary), it seems like you get caught in a cycle of seeing some hope and light in your future, then suffering a bit of a disappointment or setback and then the bottom bursts and the tears flow. Again, I could be wrong, but that's what I see from afar.
This is true. It's a cycle I have been stuck in since I was a kid. But it has never been with the little things, just the life changing things. This is not a pity statement, but a reality statement. There is no one thing in life that has a "normal" way of happening for most people, and I usually fall into the percentage of the population where the odds are against. So even the small seemingly normal victories for most, where people don't have to think twice about them, have been met with such challenge for me. It is what it is, I don't know why, and I stopped asking, but it's probably why I take the loss harder than most. I can handle disappointment rather well. I always have. I have never been spoiled (despite the fact I am an only child) and I am a super realist, not a pessimist, where I know life is no fairytale and we often don't get what we want no matter how hard we try. The reason why I feel it so much is kind of years and years of accumulation and straws that break the camel's back. But yes, I could work on not being so disappointed. ANd letting more things roll off my back, which they always have in the past. You would never believe this, but I am actually very much a type B personality and have a laid back personality. Which changed a bit when I became a single mother, but I still err towards the type B side.
I'm just wondering if you're not caught in your own cycle of self-imposed suffering. When you submit a "downer" post on this forum, most of the kind people here say very nice things to you to help cheer you up. That's a good thing, but it may also enable the cycle, to continue. So, I'm taking the other approach, which is to say, "Wake up and get out of that freaking abysmal cycle."
AM I caught in a downer cycle? Yes. I have been trying to work my way back out of it. But the cheering up doesn't enable the cycle. In my real world over here, no one knows anything about what I deal with or go through or how I feel. I don't really have anyone to lean on and nor do I ever choose to lean on anyone, and tht's my own choice. So yeah, validation makes me feel as if I am not going completely crazy sometimes, but trust me, I want OUT of this cycle. So I appreciate you trying to help me with that. I have always been a happy, funny, sarcastic person and believe it or not, I make people laugh. I can actually even be the life of the party. My daughter rarely sees me down, and maybe sometimes because I have to put on my game face so often when I don't want to, When I finally let it fall apart, I really let it fall apart.
Yet again, I could be wrong, and if I am, I'll have to go shopping for a new dress so I can put this incident out of my mind. And I hope I haven't done any permanent harm.
The only permanent harm you might do is bend over while wear a dress that is too short while going commando. You are right about some things yes, and from what I put on here, you have every reason to see what you see. While I am a very genuine person and what you see is what you get, this can be kind of my miserable journal which is a small part of my life. Or maybe a bigger part of my life lately, but I am working on that.
