1. I WILL get the new job where H works 2. I WILL lose weight 3. I WILL get more kisses from H 4. H WILL love me with a passion again Repeat 50x a day...
Well, here's where I stand. 1. Did not get the job, the recruiter (whom I do bookkeeping for on the side) said I was overqualified. I would have been bored. I still wanted to be near H again. 2. I am down 2 lbs this week after an awful week last week where I went UP 4 lbs 3. H has been initiating kisses on my cheek a lot lately. Once today, twice yesterday, and several times the day before. Not lovey type kisses, just sort of melancholy feeling connection kisses. But, I'll take 'em. 4. H is up and down. I think he cares, I don't think he cares. He's like two sides of the same coin. I think he loves me and doesn't realize it yet. Or is it that he doesn't love me but is doing loving things in the hopes that the feelings will follow?
Not out of the question. He married his first W after she got pregnant and told me that he felt he would "learn" to love her. He never did.
I'm not her, though, right?
Oh well, woulda coulda shoulda... I can't know what is inside him. He hides from me lately.
Kind of interesting insight into H. I asked him today why he felt so much love for his first girlfriend. (He was talking about her to a friend over the weekend.) She was a partier, cheated on him, walked all over him, didn't have too many good traits. He thinks she just dated him for his car and because he had money. He says "she was pretty and acted like she liked me."
Well, she never really loved him but he still chased her for a long time. Even got a tatoo to remind him of her after he lost her. (a rose to remind him not to hold on too tightly or he will get the "thorns.")
Anyway, I'm wondering if H has this need (because he doesn't really like himself too much) to have a woman who will never really love him as much as he loves her. In other words, to have someone he feels he can't really have. He says he loves to chase, he thinks it's half the fun of a relationship. Maybe I am too available to him and too in love with him?
Then, yesterday, we were bike riding and I had a hard time making it up a hill. I stopped and sat, angry at myself. Then, I said (inside my head) NO! You WILL do this, you WILL lose weight, your heart WILL get stronger. I got up and did it. Today, I had printed out some bodybuilding stuff and was reading at lunch. H asked what it was, and I explained that I had been listening to negative self-talk for so long and it wasn't me. I had started to change after we got together. He said he thought it was funny, I had become him and he stopped liking me. He said he doesn't like himself, so that makes sense.
So, I guess this is where getting a life comes in. Again, he says the words "I don't like you." I think he does and doesn't. He can't make up his mind, one day he loves me, one day he doesn't. Just after saying that, I was laying in the grass close to the road with a skirt on. H asked me how my skirt was, if I was showing too much to the passing cars. A bit of possessiveness showing, although he says no. But, why else would he be thinking of it.
I asked him why he fell in love with me and he couldn't come up with a reason. I felt badly about that. I am going to ask him to think harder. Maybe there is no reason why. I'm feeling sort of down and sort of up today. Not sure really how to feel. Sigh.
I asked H if he liked biking with me and he said yes. I asked if it could just as easily be any person, and he said he just enjoys going. I was trying to figure out if he liked MY company, or just HAVING company. Turns out, he doesn't really care if it's me or not. But, then he said "It is fun to see you get excited when you accomplish something, though." referring to when I made it up the hill.
Oh, this is so very hard. I am going to have to go do my own thing and stop being with him. I am about to try something new, a 180, and actually act like I DON'T like him as much as he thinks I do.
