Divorce and Acceptance- Part 2

[Pax_luv]

Thanks everyone for the support and guidance.

I know I'm in a bit of a dip with this whole processing, but I'm doing my best. It's just frustrating.

I'm actually no closer to the D than I was a year ago. Can you believe it? Not an inch closer. I was going through some documents realizing that I'm exactly where I was a year ago. So crazy.

So... Yeah I'm stressed and anxious and I'm doing everything possible to move through it. I know that this is all part of the processing. And I recognize that with each blip, I move farther along.

After my last post, I had a dream where I had to give ex's eulogy. In this dream, I wasn't my best self. I just went up to the alter and laid it out on the table. How difficult it was to love him, how unhappy he was with his life and everyone in it. How he talked poorly about everyone in the room, how he was a liar and a snake. How I loved him... Even when I shouldn't have.... Even when loving him compromised myself. He was exhausting.

It was sad and cathartic. Honestly, I wasn't sure if he was dead or if he was dead to me. Hmmm.

So, now I'm dealing with some sadness, stress, anger over something else. I've been here before, but I'm just scared that I might not have biological children someday. It just feels like every day, it slips further and further away. Now, I know not everything is set in stone, but typically after 35... It's a crapshoot. There's nothing I can do.... Except get knocked up by a stranger or find a sperm donor! But seriously, I'm taking vitamins that "may" help with reproductive health. But it's all I got, on top of a generally healthy lifestyle.

Now let's get real... Of course I can adopt or maybe I'll find someone who has kids already and I can be a great step mom, but for right now in this moment, I'm so depressed over this ticking time bomb.

I'm trying to get better. I recently started "a course in miracles" (hope I can say that name here... It has nothing to do with marriage).... But I have the book and get the audio lessons delivered to my email every day. It is good. Tricky but good. Just trying to elevate myself and my overall existence. Every day is a chance to keep practicing the lessons.

Hmm. That's all I got. Just chugging along minute by minute these days. I know it will get better.... Just takes time.

Hope you all have a great week!