Betheoa, I'd love to hear your perspective more about how it feels to be in your position, although in your case it sounds like you gave your wife more than enough chances. My husband did the same for me, but now he's gone. I'd do anything for both of us to want to fix our problems and try again. He did bad things too as you can see on my thread and I have to leave him alone and detach but I still love him and don't want a divorce.
Friend I believe if you don't want a divorce you need to find a way to communicate with your wife in a way that draws her toward you and not away. And when positive communication can be established then there must be a way to say that you can't accept her abusive treatment and this is a deal breaker for you. Then of course she needs to break off her affair. The affair probably won't last forever so if I were you I'd focus more on the direct interactions between you and your wife. Also there might be a way to separate just temporarily in a way that makes your wife "wake up" before going straight to divorce, but I'm not sure what the DB book says about that.
You need to think for yourself how to apply the rules and guidelines from DB in your situation. I'll try to think more too and will write in the next day or two with additional thoughts.
