I know you are right, but I just can't let myself see anything but recon at this point. I don't want this to become a self fulfilling prophecy in the negative way.
We understand what you mean. Most all newbies are focused on saving the M. After all, this is the divorce busting forum, right? We want you to save the M, too. We have learned that before you can save anything, you have to save yourself. I can see that you need to..... just by the way you have focused on a single snide remark from your W. I have been at this long enough that I can usually see certain characteristics in the H pretty quickly. And if he doesn't direct his focus on the things the board tries to tell him........he won't have the strength to make it through this horrible ordeal. But if he will turn his focus on himself and his children, follow the suggestions we offer, work on himself as man.......he's going to be fine. Along with all of this, he learns what to do in his M situation.
I feel the urgency in you, to find a fast solution. I can only imagine the desperation to do something before the A goes any further. If there was a quick fix......I would not hesitate to give it to you. I feel some resistance when you feel someone is steering you away from what you want to get here. You may get sick hearing this, but it's common in newcomers.
In order to become a strong, attractive, self-confident, alpha male, you have to make changes. These are the male characteristics that are attractive to women......and other men respect. You cannot be a passive, co-dependent, beta, nice-guy type.......and think your WW is going to drop the OM and fall into your arms, b/c she won't be attracted to those traits.
Honestly, and I don't want you to think my goal here is to insult you, I think you probably have developed some of those things I described in that last sentence. We are saying that you can change your life by changing these traits. Once you break the co-dependency, stop the nice-guy ways, become more assertive, improve your male self-confidence, etc..........you will be able to change the dynamics in your MR.
How you interact with your WW shows your manliness.........or the lack of it. Most nice guys want to show tenderness, sympathy, caring, etc. That's fine if you have a normal, sweet, loving W. But when you have a wayward W, you have to apply tough love........or she will trample all over your sweet caring interactions. Nice guys want to cater to the W, and they give in to whatever she says. He thinks if he'll just be nicer or do more to help her with the house or kids.....or whatever she needs......then surely she will feel better and appreciate him more. The ugly truth about a wayward W is that she doesn't really appreciate the efforts of her H. She expects it. She has a sense of entitlement. The harder the nice H tries to satisfy her, the less attraction she feels for him. He wants to please her. He believes if he is nice enough, it will cause her to love him more. It's as if he is saying, "Look.....look at what I am doing for you. I am so nice to you.......even when you are ugly to me......don't you love me for my niceness?" Yes, she may want to use him like a teddy bear and cuddle at night, but the next day, it's back to her calling the shots and the his submission.
The only thing a wayward respects is strength. Any action that indicates weakness in the H, is automatically doomed. The wayward W dominates the beta type H. The irony is that secretly, the WW wants a man who is stronger than she is. She'll test her H to see if he will take her bossing him around, or yelling at him, or belittle him in front of the kids, or b'tching at him, or anything that gives a message of disrespect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
