PsySara, I had meant for a while to read some of your earlier threads and I tried to do so tonight. I still didn't get through too much but I saw that you had heart damage and a lot of physical symptoms from all this. That's so similar to what I experienced. I was getting runs of PVC's and chest pain. The last stress echo I did almost three years ago was normal and I'm supposed to have another one but I've had so many stomach problems I haven't had time for heart problems. I'm not aware of having physical damage to my heart but definitely for a while I thought I'd have sudden cardiac death from the runs of PVC's where I almost fainted. Thankfully I haven't had that now in over a year.
I don't know Sara. Your life has been crazy. How can you have three kids, go to medical school, and have a job where you have 20+ patients per day? My husband has been getting 38 patients per day and going to nursing homes after that, so I can imagine he's beyond stressed and he's working seven days per week. But he has no other responsibilities whereas you have THREE kids! I, on the other hand, currently have serious trouble loading the dishwasher despite previously working multiple consulting jobs and long hours before having my daughter.
It just feels like this is a phase of life that isn't conducive to marriage. If you have the ability to afford it you should really take some time off! Reduce your hours to part-time or do outpatient or simply take six months off completely. Your whole perspective and life could change with some time to think although it's understandable if you can't take time off.
It seems like your life has been in crisis mode for so long. Your husband's affair scarred the marriage so deeply, just like my husband's affair scarred mine. I can only tell you from my experience, with my husband now planning for divorce, that it's devastating when everything, EVERYTHING, you've worked for is about to be gone. You've worked so hard to keep your family together. Your husband is still there. My outside opinion is to keep him and cherish him as much as possible until this phase in life passes. Then you can re-evaluate.
I hope you're doing well otherwise! I know I'm not in a position to help much but I'm someone who would do anything to stay married. I have another set of friends who were fighting so badly it became domestic violence (physicians too) but they fixed their otherwise hopeless marriage. They eventually accepted there will be cycles of fighting and knew they could handle the difficult times after going through them for so long. Now they actually love each other again. You and your husband have been through a lot and you can make it through this in my opinion. It seems if you adjust your expectations and have more patience, on top of the patience you've had, you'll find in five years that it was worth it.
