Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone,

HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.

Job, all my instincts say to wait until after the trip to file, but there are more changes now.....

I have an appt with a paralegal on Monday. It's a consult to see what the process would be. I was thinking this would be the easiest and cheapest way, since H and I seem to be in agreement about things, until we chatted today...

I let H know about the appt. He said he would take care of this if I want. (His mom must have said something) Sorry, but I laughed and said I want to make sure this just gets done. I also asked his opinion, do we file before or after the snow trip? H said it would probably be something hanging over us if we file before, but if I need to do this now, to do what I need to do. It turned into a conversation about assets, custody and child support. He feels what he pays each month, 1/2 the mortgage only, is good enough, since he is letting me live in the house. If I want support, then he would rather have more custody. And he doesn't feel like he should reimburse me for new carpet and landscaping I paid on my own because he doesn't get to live at home and enjoy it. Looks like things are sinking in and the truth is coming out! It wasn't a fight, we kept the conversation light, but it was an eye opener for me. Neither of us know much about our rights and we need guidance.

I will still meet with the paralegal for the consult and information, but I am now thinking mediation would be a better way to go. The downfalls are it's more expensive and there is nothing less than 40 minutes from home. The positive is that he will have to participate in this, it won't all be on me, that we will get clarification and guidance, and have someone with experience helping us through this. I want him to deal with every single step of this with me. No more taking the load, which I tend to do, to myself. I also tend to give in to avoid conflict, and I need to make sure I protect myself.

I drove away from his house feeling this huge weight on my shoulder, but mediation should take it all off my hands. I realize it makes much more sense. So I will keep appt with paralegal for myself. Then have H and I consult with mediator. Then go from there, whichever feels right.

The anxiety is back, upset stomach, some fear....I just keep telling myself, it will be ok. I can do this. And I definitely prefer this over another year in H la la land.

The stress is different now than BD. Back then, I turned to friends for distraction, wine for escape....now I am craving space for thinking and exercise for clarity. I just want to keep my mind clear and alert. It's a very different place for me, seems healthier.

So on a strange note, S brought home an essay from school. It talked about his winter vacation. He outlined that he spent part of it staying at his dad's house on certain days, and he put in parenthesis, no, his parents are not divorced. My stomach just sank when I read that. Then guilt....but then I wondered, does he even know what divorce is or what it means? I took the opportunity to talk with him about it. I let him know divorce means different things for different families. I told him, in our situation, nothing much would change, that it wouldn't be much different then now, just that mommy and daddy would no longer be married to each other. My goal was to assure him that things would be the same as they are now. I also explained that me and daddy are friends, and plan to stay that way no matter what happens. I didn't tell him it is happening, but I did tell him that daddy and I are talking to decide what to do, as marriage should not be like this. He said he understood. I also gave H a heads up about the talk.

Last Monday, I got a text from FIL asking if we were still on for that night. Apparently H planned on us getting together at my home with his dad to exchange Christmas gifts, but he forgot to tell me. His mind amazes me. The night went well, but H was extremely distracted. He was on his phone the entire time and oblivious of conversation. I couldn't believe his dad ignored his behavior, he said nothing. At one point, H went outside to load presents. After about 5 minutes of the front door being left open in 50 degree weather, I went out to check on H and he jumped and almost dropped his phone trying to shove it away. Suspicious?? Very. God what I would do to know what is really going on in his world. But better yet to just cut myself out of it. I can never be married to a man who hides things.

The next morning he messaged asking if his wallet was here, he lost it. Didn't surprise me, he was way scattered. Not sure if he ever found it, I never asked.

I have a Dr appt this week for a check up. My body is doing strange things. Not sure if it's stress, but want to rule out anything medical.

I also have a concert Friday night, and a massage tomorrow. Some fun and relaxation should help me to unwind.

Thanks for reading, your support helped me through some very tough times and I believe there are more to come. Wishing you all a good weekend.
M