waw maybe #2

[LH19]

I always thought you were different then the rest of these idiots out there, but now I don't know, you say you want to go to Jersey with you friend Lauren, why do you have to drive? Why would you take away from your family to be with someone you met 2 months ago. It just doesn't add up it doesn't make sense and if it doesn't make sense then someone isn't telling the truth.

The quote above is definitely controlling and in a sense you called her an idiot because she wanted to get away for a girls weekend. Do you not see this in the above quote?

Again, I am trying to help.

[Subitai]

There are lots of ways of trying to control people. Anger, passive aggressiveness, belittling, etc. All are, in varying form, some kind of emotional abuse. You don't have to hit someone to make them scared of you.

[bhappy2]

I fully understand, I am here to learn.

[LH19]

BH,

I keep forgetting to answer the question you keep asking. IMO your W doesn’t want to tell anyone because she doesn’t want anyone to talk her out of it.

[AnotherStander]

I agree with LH and Subitai, there were a lot of red flags in your email. I understand it was back in 2009 but I want to break it down to make sure you understand why we're seeing some concerns here. First of all it should NOT have been an email, you should have TALKED to her about this. Just the fact that you send an email threatening separation is very passive/aggressive.

one thing you said was that you didn't want to hurt me, W that is something someone says when they have found someone new

Don't put a negative spin on everything, and don't tell her what she meant because you don't really know. If she says something like that then ask her what she means.

I have always loved you but if you are not feeling the same way then we should separate.

Women need security and assurances in their relationships. Threatening separation or divorce is the worst thing you can do when you're having an argument. That one statement could have sowed the seeds of why she's a WAS now. She may very well still think that D is what YOU want.

You saw me crying and you didn't even care.

Mind-reading. You have no idea what she thought.

I am still the father of your children I would think you could have a little loyalty towards me, I am not that bad of a person, you make it sound like I have abused you for years and its simply not true.

You EARN loyalty and respect, it is not something that is freely given. Being a coparent is a ridiculous reason to demand loyalty from someone. And you tell her you're "not that bad" (which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement), but what do your ACTIONS show her? Also if she said you abused her then instead of calling her a liar you need to ask her what you did that made her feel abused. There is zero sympathy or validation in your whole email.

You have found a new friend in Lauren, you seem to want to spend more time talking and hanging out with her, I really don't understand why you would sacrafice your sleep just to talk to her.

Complete lack of understanding on your part about what she was going through and needed at the time. She was desperate for someone to listen and validate, you probably weren't doing that so she had to find someone else.

You use avoidance which is a tell tale sign that there is someone else.

More mind-reading and accusations.

If your goal was to mess me up you did but I can not live like this.

^^All about you^^ You don't once ask her why her feelings have changed and what you can do about it.

but there is some culpability on you especially if you found someone new. You say you haven't done anything wrong or had an affair, but even if you are talking at work with someone thats wrong enough.

More accusations.

then I think you should come clean, after you read this come in the bedroom and say H I have something to tell you

That's ironic, you sent her an email but demand a response face-to-face.

but most of the time someone leaves another person its because of infidelity.

No, most of the time someone leaves because they feel they have been treated poorly for a long, long time.

that is why I am writing this because I will not let it happen.

But if its to late then lets move on

I have made a decision that I can let you go...

I would have no choice but to move on...

^^Threats^^ Again, wives want security and assurances and you're giving her the opposite.

the children would have to understand that you left me because you simply stopped caring about me

Attempting to guilt-trip her. Using the kids against her.

I always thought you were different then the rest of these idiots out there, but now I don't know

You flat out called her an idiot here.

Why would you take away from your family to be with someone you met 2 months ago.

Very controlling. You're really telling her she can't go anywhere because she has a family? She can't have friends, or go see anyone?

Come in the bedroom and jump on me give me a hug and tell me that you really dont want a divorce and that you love me or I think we should start the seperation process.

I've got to tell you in all honesty, I feel a little nauseous after reading this, but especially that last sentence. I find the whole thing pretty disturbing. Given that it was 9 years ago I'm curious, when you re-read it what are your thoughts on it? Do you think you were justified, and are you OK with what you wrote? Or do you cringe when you read it now?

[bhappy2]

Of course I cringe at it now. I was not in my right frame of mind. I fully understand now what happened.

[bhappy2]

Just to clarify a few things, her friend Lauren was a newly D'ed woman and was trying to get my W to go out and meet other men. After I wrote this letter My W and I did R and we discussed the letter. My W did go out with a man, and it did bother me.

It may sound controlling, but it was a desparate attempt to save my M. I make no excuses for what I wrote, like I said I was not in the right frame of mind. Do I regret writing, of course I do. But after that we really got along great.

[Salazar]

Of course I cringe at it now. I was not in my right frame of mind. I fully understand now what happened.

Looking back and cringing seems to be a bit of a right of passage. I know I am right in that same boat with you. You can't change the past, only the present and eventually the future. Learn from all of the cringe worthy moments and move on.

As I read your posts, you have definitely stated that you are ready to move on, but I get the sense that there are some underlying feelings there. What do you truly want?

[LH19]

BH,

When you say your W went out with another man do you mean had an A?

Again there are a lot of red flags in that letter that IMO you need to workout in IC.

Why do you think your W filed for D.

[bhappy2]

LH, She went and had breakfast with someone from her job,that is what started me feeling insecure. I am here to learn what went wrong on my end as well. I worked perhaps 16 hours a day for a very long time.

I am in IC and the IC was not as harsh as you and AS, but its ok if this is what I need to hear to grow than this is why I am here. I am not perfect, my W has never described me as controlling. Her major complaint was that I was not around enough and just recently said that we have grown appart. We did have a very loving M for a long time, I will not mind read anymore.

The reason many of us are here on this site is to learn not just why our S is leaving but to learn what we did to contribute. The pressures of life have gotten to both of us and she hit her limit. Looking introspectively I realize now that the last few years we really did grow appart and there may not have been OM. And I still think there is not she is just at her limit of what she can take.

I will not leave this site because sometimes the responses are hard to take but the reality is that I need to face the fact that I may have been controlling, you have no idea how good this information is.I will grow, I will learn and I will be a better person.