Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Copied from my personal journal...

I told him all the things.

About literally feeling myself un-attach after a 2-second hug because I'm tired of that being the limit of physical affection. About exhaustion. About the woman with the dorm room husband who has gone batsh*t and mean and is monstering again. About the terror of whatever is shifting in my gut and knowing that I need to let it run his course.

He sort of knew. He said, "You didn't want to go out with me or be near me, which means you have no hope of getting what you need from me. You're trying to decide if I am going in the acquaintance bucket. And, if you do, are we roommates? Do we get another house?"

And, I just let it all out, unfiltered, incredible aching sadness, no hope of anything he might say in response. I am not looking for anything from him, and anything he gives me is just designed to keep me here, nice and safe for him, while he goes off into the mountains with this figurative stick on his back. I mean, do I want him to talk me out of it or give me hope? Actually, no. I'm tired of hoping. And, his crumbs.

I told him that the mid life crisis is 2 to 7 years and I don't think I have it in me. That people who come back the relationship before the mid life crisis is done just do it again, a few years later, and worse. The march of the Penguins. That I can't endure another monster period. I can't endure another life turns upside down on a dime. That I love him and I know he loves me, but I am tired of living with someone who is terrified of showing me love. That I deserve so much more than this.

He said, "I can't rush it. I have to go through at my own pace. And, realistically, I will probably monster again. From what I've read, it's part of the process."

He seemed sad and resigned. He thanked me for telling him, because he wants to know rather than imagining all the worst things.

And, I still believe we were heading for this the moment we met. And, it isn't really his fault though he's accountable. And none of that means I can endure any longer, that I have to, or that I have much less in my tank.

So, I am going to go to the grocery store and buy food to make and cry. And let this unfold, whatever it is. Gut, I am listening.