First Post - Not Sure Where I'm Headed

[Natural]

It has been a month since my W said we’re getting a D. I’m faring better than I thought I would – I’m not a basket case – but I’m not very clear about what I want or my strategy in dealing with D negotiations. I’m not sure I want to be married to my W anymore. It really depends if she can develop the capacity to treat me with respect.

On one hand, I still love my W. She can be caring, sometimes. Her smile and laughter are contagious. She often uses humor to take the edge off of things. She has an outgoing, charming personality. We used to spend hours on Saturday mornings, just sitting with coffee and talking. Sitting on the deck enjoying the backyard. Talking about the future, the past week, or how blessed we’ve been. I’ve loved those times.

She’s told me that she’s worried about me. She is concerned I’ll become a grizzly old reclusive lonely hermit after the D. I’ve told her I’m going to reinvent myself, with or without her. She’s told me that she wants me to keep the dog (which we both love) so that I won’t be alone, but she wants visitation rights. I appreciate that.

On the other hand, I resent her. She is control-oriented, sarcastic, non-negotiable, unwilling, unaccountable, and has tended to blame me for her depression and over-eating. Sometimes her sarcasm is just plain mean. Sometimes she is mean without sarcasm, or says things to covey her need to feel superior.

Sarcasm is defined as “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” When I call her on it, the response has always been “I was kidding!” Bullcrap! To me, loving humor and sarcasm are mutually exclusive. It is hard to love a person who is self-centered and treats you with sarcasm.

These observations have caused me to learn about boundaries by reading the cheat sheet and other postings on this board. I’ve not been good with boundaries. I’m slow to respond to sarcasm. Mostly, I ignore it or just step over it. That has contributed to the sorry state of my M. I tend to be nice. Sometimes too nice.

Two events in the last week illustrate this.

Last weekend, W said the check engine light is on in her car. I said I could check it with my code reader and find out what is wrong. She gets all curious, so I show her the code reader and mention that she never cared about this before. She says that she is going to have to learn this.

A few days ago, I asked her about running the dishwasher. She says something like “Oh, so now you’re going to use the dishwasher because you don’t want to wash all those dishes by hand.” (Biting sarcasm. I typically wash 2-6 dishes quickly by hand and avoid the dishwasher. She has disliked that. This time, I let the dishes build up because I was sick for 3 days. She hardly uses dishes, as she’s been mostly easting prepared/junk foods lately.)

I ignored the sarcastic remark and asked what can/can’t go in the dishwasher. Then I asked about the soap for the dishwasher. She told me she showed me how to use the dishwasher before, but I just never used it. I said I’ve not used this dishwasher since we moved to this house 2.5 years ago. She told me she showed me how and just never used it. I said okay and walked away, sorry to have even spoken to her.

After she brought up the deal with her car, I was ready to do her a favor, be nice, help her out. After I brought up the dishwasher, she used it an opportunity put me down, make herself right, make me wrong, and act superior. Am I being oversensitive by wishing that I had not even talked to her? I could have just figured it out myself easy enough.

I’m a little unsure about how to implement boundaries retroactively. I’m thinking of waiting for her to ask if I’m going to diagnose her check engine light, and then say “I was going to do that, but I don’t want to reward the sarcastic, negative response I received from you when I asked about the dishwasher. I’ve decided that it’s not in my best interest to do you any favors.”

Any better ideas?