The G and the BIT both read my threads. I had to cease posting during the trial period. I accept this is a public forum and they have that right, as such I have no expectation of privacy here. I have truly been authentic, no sugar coating, my dark times are documented as well as my journey. Therefore I have no fear that what I wrote at the time I wrote it were my thoughts and my feelings at that time, at that point. In Real Time that's how I believed and felt, as you read the threads then I hope there is evident growth and personal development expressed. My views changed developed and grew. Thank goodness! And they will again no doubt. Because DB is about me and those I truly love and who love me. Just as DB is about you, what you say think write and journal here is you as you are now. That is almost 100% you today but maybe not tomorrow and most surely not about yesterday.
Firstly I didn't post for a while because I didnt want to spoil any tactics of my L in what is a high conflict D. And secondly because I was quite confused on things.
It is my personal philosophy to (as far as I can) be authentically V. I sense that's you as you discuss your sitch quite openly. If you have an agreement with H he shouldn't be reading this then of course him doing so is a breach of your trust. It's a boundary that needs resetting, although I understand why he has. Insecurity drives him. He loves you and seems truly sorry. Probably feeling insecure too. I get it and living with uncertainty often drives people to do things that seek security. It's a basic need, often we would rather D than be uncertain. They say there are 6 basic human needs which drive behaviour and we all operate through one or more of them. Tony Robbins uses the need driven behaviour dynamic based on Maslow. I digress.
I had to read your threads again, because (I apologise) I thought you were already a WAW. Juju corrected me on it and I thank her. My mistake. So I am glad I haven't put my foot more in my mouth than I already have.
My next post on your thread (not this post) will be intended for your H.
It is always my contention that the LBS is the one who decides the M is over. Always that they are done with that M.
You may be headed for M v3 with your H.
Indeed I think you feel insecure too, and that leads to lack of attraction. New Blu needs a different sort of M and R.
It is appropriate to know you are attracted to other men, your H in his WH phase maybe hasn't atoned to you in a way that you need him too. In 12 steps we see this over and over lack of appropriate atonement. One of the steps in growth and healing is to atone, not just reset or apologise. Atonement isn't punishment, those who atone do so willingly because it moves them forward and may help to make good. The deed is done, it can never be undone but it can be atoned.
Atoning must be done in the way that the other wants it, not in the way we wish to atone. And if they don't want atonement from us then we still atone in a way that fits that.
Let me now talk about forgiveness. My stance on it fits with Jeane Safer that is somethings are unforgiveable and forgiveness is a choice. You do not have to forgive. Further forgiveness can never be given to those who don't seek it AND atone. And even if they do, then atonement must be in a way that is for you the one on the receiving end of the atonement. I don't think you need to accept another atoning to let go of resentment. Nor do you have to forgive unless forgiveness is sought. I believe that it isn't my job to judge or to forgive, these matters are between the G and his higher power, it's his soul in jeopardy not mine. And lack of forgiveness doesn't mean you can't go forward with R either, but I think lack of appropriate atoning is poison.
Let me now say what I think on love and trust, you can do either or both. I have those I trust but do not love. I have those I love but do not trust. Both are a choice. You can trust in one area but not another. It isn't an absolute, you may trust the other with a child and to parent, but not with fins. You may trust them to care for you but not to cheat. These are your feelings and you can have them and I believe you have the right to those feelings. Irrespective of whether the other is worthy of trust or not. This is about you. Once another crosses a boundary, cheating say, you may never entirely trust in that area again. It's ok.
Let's talk about earning trust. Fundamentally another can't work to earn your trust, this is intolerable to me. It's an egg shell burden, and can be punishment, in many cases passive aggressive. So saying 'I can never earn your trust back' deserves a response of 'my trust is my business' and the need to be earning trust implies power and control both ways. The G once said I must trust him! The answer is none of your business.......
Instead it is atonement, once the atoning is done in the right way then that's enough, more is punishing. And both can let go of the need to more.
As to attraction for your H once a WH that need not be fixed, you can be attracted to this and not to that. From where I sit you are both growing and that's excellent. Honesty will clean open sores.
Those are my thoughts Blu.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
