Gaslighting or selfish, naive and blind...

[ciluzen]

Hey Ownit,

I really hope you did not take anything I said personally...I really was more expressing my views on why I would not out Bubbles'relationship to her H, without any specific poster in mind. Quite a few people expressed the idea that I should, so I merely wanted to air my views on it, specific to my case. I'm glad it created a dialogue, but it would make me sad if I offended you personally, as that was not my intent.

I'm glad that you chose to clarify your views in more detail because you have some very good points. As I struggled with the decision to tell him the little that I know, fast-tracking their relationship was one of the reasons I came up with. Putting it out in the open, or at least the inappropriateness of their relationship and the wrongs perpetrated against me (lies by omission and out 'n'out lies), would be a way of saying to others, "Here are the facts. Judge them and decide whether you want to condone this relationship". The sad fact is, I really believe there are enough people who would look the other way...and I think they are doing it now. On the other hand, I know now that at least a few others, who have no job connection to XH, have chosen to stop participating in activities with "the group". They've noticed, so I can only believe that the others have more to gain by ignoring. What would Bubbles'H do?

I've decided I don't know. People are funny. I put up with bad behavior for years because the good outweighed the bad and he came home to me each day(conferences and occassional trips to the river not withstanding). He was a true cake eater in that he seemed to be getting something from us both. And as much as I would rage and cry at him when it weighed on me, and as much as that was undesireable, guilt inducing, and made him see me as less and less desireable to be around; he hung in for quite awhile. Then he was driven to make a choice.

So, would outing this force her H to make a choice? Maybe. Or maybe he's at the stage I was, but quieter. Staying because its easier and there's more good than bad moments. He still has kids at home and is involved in their activities as well as a full time job. Its when our kiddos weren't around and I was excited at the prospect of more alone time with the hubby that things got really noticeable. Her H isn't there yet. Its only a few years away, though. Will he notice then?

Again, by explaining that I did not want to be vindictive by outing their relationship, I was not claiming to be the authority on anyone else's situation or choices. We're all trying to figure out what works best to make us able to move on or re-establish some sort of new relationship with vastly different people. I wish there was a recipe that fit all equally well, but there isn't. My NC brings him in and still throws me occassionally. But by breaking NC at holidays by inviting him so that its better for my kids, I realize it might not do me any favors. And I realize I'm doing it for me because he acts as old H (sort of) for a few hours...and I miss that. Something I'm still tossing around as I "evolve".