You know I love you very much and your crazy lively bundlemail of energy.
It is my philosophy to be as clear about my life as how I am as I can.
When I first came here I saw surviving as an oasis of calm on the board and I mistakenly thought when I get there I will be at peace. That isn't my destiny yet. My sitch is so crazy loco and unresolved, sometimes I am up and sometimes in great distress.
That is what I see, abuse patterned complex PTSD leading to periods when I am struggling to stabilise. It is usually fear driven emotionally and leads to anxiety.
Despite lots of therapy there are times when I don't sleep and largely it's because of the fin destruction in my life and failure to sell the big house.
Sleep often eludes me and sleeping tablets have the reverse paradoxical effect on me. So I just ride it out.
Plus I am tired, physically tired of staying just this side of being illiquid, of not having a life. Fed up with constantly being sued for money by the G. It feels like I am on a knife edge. And it seems unfair.
Today, my aged pa, glam sis and I had planned a Manchester United match event. I am overloaded with work.
And truly it's unfair, long working hours just to pay the bills when I should be beginning to enjoy slowing down. Sometimes like now I just resent these unfairnesses and the only place to put that is internally. To punish V, to see her as at fault.
I pick as many holes in her as everyone else put together. It is my stuck point. I want a different view. I want to let go permanently of that awful sense of the inadequate. I want to let go of the pain of not being enough, of seeing life as a struggle.
Sometimes I question why? why such struggles? And others I just go mindful and say soooooo?
I guess I haven't sorted it.
Anger I have glimpse it, briefly a couple of moments only. I would like anger to be my friend, to work with it from a joyous place. To derive energy and drive as the mighty Zues does.
My counsellor says I have so little anger, but my query is why do I have resentment? We labelled my resentment as coming from a place of fear and disgust. That isn't where I want to be.
In the darkest nights of my soul I lost complete connection with my higher spirit, it would not respond to me. I had despair deep dark ugly despair. I felt bereft my own soul had abandoned me and then I let go, it was almost joyous and that connection returned.
Ironically it was a song that brought me back, I was dancing, glam sis had asked me to a party over Xmas. Christmas Eve, she had bought tickets, frankly I wanted to be miserable old scrooge and stay to rest. I went.
This was a salsa jive event so it's partner dancing. A song came on and I was asked to dance, and did a modern jive to a song which just seemed to fit the place I was in perfectly. I lost myself entirely to the dance and music. The song was Kaleida and take me to the river. It is on my playlist.
In that moment the higher spirit held me in its arms and offered great comfort. Not abandoned at all just left to struggle alone. The loss of that great guiding voice for a few months left me empty and very lonely. Left me with little of value to myself and others. I had not understood it had given me space to start to heal. I have learned much in this period of surviving and the big thing is surviving.
We are all alone in the darkest night of the soul or feel we are, but truly that's not so. That night and period is one of deep deep awakening of parts of who we are that have laid dormant or never been awakened. Just to become one and reach to the depths of our being.
I have learned it is OK, just to be, it is OK to have a sense of self. The song I listen to most these days is Strong by LeAnn Rimes.
These songs are the sound track of my life.
My counsellor says it's perfectly possible to fix those things I feel are wrong or in the way. The resistance to not doing so is within me and serves a purpose. I am unsure what that purpose is exactly, but there must be one!
The last 10lbs, removing a scar, fixing other minor physical things. It's like a house that needs repairs, keep the repairs done and it's fine. It's the soul of the house that gives it all it is, losing my higher power was losing that. These physical things are misdirected focus, a distraction for the loss of spirit.
Onwards.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
