Work was so important to me for so many years. When I went through the D I didn't have the same energy to put into my job and I fell to the middle of the pack. I kept waiting for it to come back. It never did.
But the weirdest thing is I'm totally ok with that. It just doesn't seem as important as it used to. Now I look forward to the time I have with my children and work is just what I do to pay the bills. I am really, really, really fortunate to have the job I do. I set my own schedule which lately has been a fair amount of 10-4 type shifts with a few phone calls or texts or emails here and there as needed. I am good enough that I'm still getting what needs to get done done. Sometimes I'll put in a long day, just as often I'll put in a very light one. And I'm doing well enough to avoid any issues and still bring in enough money to pay the bills. Oh, and I'm down to 13 more payments to XW so after that things will automatically get MUCH easier.
The time with my kids has been irreplaceable. I'm reading to them every night still, this time it's "Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus". There are a few hard parts for them but we're getting through it and it's awesome. We're still playing a lot of games but I've given up on my kids really taking anything on seriously, we just dabble for fun. Last game we got was "Clue". D7 wouldn't stop wiggling in her chair and finally one of the legs broke off (it screwed back on). I couldn't help myself, I said "I think D7 did it in the dining room with her fat butt" and everyone just died laughing. Oh, I hesitated for a moment because that's probably not PC, but she's not overweight or anything and I couldn't help myself. I don't think I traumatized her or anything, she was laughing harder than anyone. Anyway, just randomly thinking about time with my kids.
Tomorrow we go volunteer, packing food for the hungry. I'm excited to bring them with, I think it will be good for them. What else? S13 is slacking again at school, so I'm doing my part to gently (or even a bit not so gently) guide him the right way. But we're also doing things together. He's the computer kid so I've got him starting to mine cryptocurrency. I don't know if we'll ever make ten cents but it's something we can do together. D10 has a book of riddles we've been working through. Just living life I guess.
And I'm hook line and sinker back to pool. I've rediscovered my desire. No wonder work looks dull. I'm working on my game again. I have to. It's not a choice like 'gee, it would be nice if I was better at pool, maybe if it's possible I should see if I can play well..." No, it's more of a must, like I just can't rest easy as long as I know there's still a shot that I don't have perfected. I'll never reach perfection, and the only solace I can achieve is from putting in enough hard work that I feel I've earned a break because I've pushed farther than I thought I could.
This hard work, along with being partnered with this young superstar, has me playing the best pool of my life. I've played two more tournaments since last post. The state championship 8 ball and 9 ball was two weekends ago. I took 3rd in the 8 ball and ended up winning the 9 ball. Then last weekend I took 2nd in a big 9 ball tournament and 3rd in the 8 ball division. What was cool about that is we had Ronnie Alcano, a two time Phillipino champion in the field. I played him and beat him 7-1, then later played him again and beat him 7-0. That's the short version. I'll just say that was rather special. My partner also had good finishes in these last few tournaments, taking a 2nd and a 1st along the way. And we played a doubles division as a pair and took that down too.
Man it feels good. Hard to describe. I told my friend the reason I wasn't choking in these pressure spots was because it didn't seem like a big deal. I'm going after perfection. I want to polish and master every shot of the game, and put it together flawlessly topped off by insatiable hunger and drive and an unequalled positive attitude. That's what I'm driving towards. I know I'll never get there, but that's the only goal that matters. As a consolation prize I'll have a lot of thrilling victories along the way. But they don't make me nervous because that's not the goal, it's not like "If I win this game I've done it" or something. No, if I win tournaments it's not because I've achieved perfection, it's because there are moments that my opposition has fallen further from perfection than I have. Not something to be all that proud of, and not something that I'm nervous about. I just keep trying to reach a goal I'll never hit. Not even because it's effective. Because I have to.
This week was a good example. There were some things I was struggling with that were very discouraging. Shots off the end rail, shooting with an elevated cue, whatever. Some things come so hard for me that I want to quit forever. This is where the positive results I've gotten help. I have to remind myself I'm not the worst player in the world, it just feels hopeless, I have to keep going. So I grind and grind and grind and grind and do drills and take a break, then more drills, then a break, day after day after day. Then finally tonight I'm drilling and the shots start looking clear. I completed a drill for the first time in my life yesterday I've struggled with for years, then I did it again today. Little signs that I'm making minuscule progress. But it's progress. Then I rack up the straight pool and run 98 on my first try. I did choke as I had a shot to hit 100 (which is a pretty nice sized run that is a lifetime milestone for many) but that wasn't important to me. I was so pleased with how I was striking the balls. After as discouraged as I felt, it was a blessing to have an hour of perfection at the table.
Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. I'm going to have a good weekend with my kids, then next weekend I'll degen out and put in some more work on my game. In between I'll make sure to put a few deals together at work so the wheel keeps turning. Life is going good guys, and just like in pool where by the time I get any positive results I definitely feel I've earned it for the work I've put in, I feel that way in life too. It's good, I'm blessed for what I've been given, but I've also had to go through an awful lot to be in a spot where all feels well.
Take care my DBing friends.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
