Um, I hate to admit THIS, but when it comes to housekeeping, errands, and kid stuff, Mr Blu does as much as I do. One thing I cannot complain about.

Thank you, Sotto & J9. The sentiments are mutual.

C-Nut. I feel okay actually. I've just been busy at work this week; we have a lot of flu going around right now, so lots of sick patients, and I think I have a strain of something myself.

I feel okay about my sitch too actually. I have not been emotional lately. When H read here last weekend and then let me know, things blew up, and I felt myself falling back into old patterns of reacting to triggers, fear, anxiety, etc. However soon after, I checked myself and I let that all go. I am not going to let emotions control me anymore. So no, not spinning, not anymore. I think that has been my greatest improvement in the last few years: I am more able to compartmentalize things. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. My issue now is that I find myself wanting to retreat from him when things get uncomfortable.

I have seen ICs several times in my life and it has only helped intermittently, but never consistently. What I think helps me the most, is shifting my perspective on things, time passing, and developing more healthy habits/reactions (180s) and engaging in more healthy activities/relationships (GAL). I say healthy, because I recognize that several of my choices and coping mechs have not been good. Also, while I love going to the spa or pub with my girlfriends, I need real physical activity for my mental health and my physical health. So in theory, for me to be able to 180 well, my GAL choices are key, not just numbing myself ...

Last summer I started running and more recently I have been checking out different forms of exercise, especially things that are mentally challenging. Recently these have been (indoor) rock climbing and roller derby. I am also planning to get on a surf board this year. When I am in good physical shape, I overall feel better. Plus I am turning 40 soon, soooooo ..... that has been weighing on me. Sure, age is just a number, but I had a kid at 20 and then soon after was a single mom going back to college, so I feel like I missed out on something in my 20s that I now want to find.

I think all of the counseling, MC, Retrouvaille, and "working on things," is part of what ultimately pushed me away from my M last summer. It becomes this exhausting and emotional task that for me was leading to increasing dread. It did not draw me closer to H, but started to lead to me wanting to avoid the painful loop/reminders. So something shifted in me and I felt myself distancing more and more. I told him I wanted separation, I stopped working on things and engaging with him, took my rings off, and started focusing on me and what I wanted. I started to imagine a life without him, but I think I was also being selfish. I started to realize that while I would be okay without him, there are still things about him that I love -- we have 17 years, a family, and a home -- and he is a good fit, we are compatible.

Since last weekend, I have felt a shift towards him, but also still find myself wanting to retreat if he wants to R talk or things get difficult. I am recommitting and he is being open and loving, and more so than before it seems. I think he felt he was losing me and that scared him. He has let his guard down. I want to try and move forward, but in a different and more natural way this time. I can't keep talking about the past and the same problems!

I don't have all the answers. But I am not worried about that. I have patience on my side now.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela