Gaslighting or selfish, naive and blind...

[ciluzen]

Hey ((Bttrfly)),

"Guess I am the only one who thinks Cil should not tell Bubbles' husband. How do we know he doesn't already know??"

Thank you for that. As I've said, I've fought the temptation. With my little mind-fists! But just as I often was tempted to beg, cry, and ask why in the early days (ok, admittedly some later days, too)...I know it would most likely not go as I would hope. What would be my hope now? That he would get angry with her? Destroy their family, his trust in others, his children's security and well-being? That he would tell my XH off and open his eyes? Get violent? To what end? And what if he's suspected or known all along and just wants to keep things as they are? None of this is my problem. It is still an issue my XH has...a weakness...Do I want that? If Bubbles loosened her grip, he is still as many of you have said, not finished baking yet. If he came crawling, walking or skipping back, I see nothing that would make me feel as secure in that relationship as I felt before the midway point. That's a tough feeling to deal with when you've spent so long caring.

With each of these rages or "lows", that door crack grows thinner. Right now, its tiny. And I am not as set on the gaslighting theory as some out there may think I should be. Oh, well. My pain to deal with. But I've been told off for misunderstood "bad" behavior before. Why do you think I try so hard to see why people might do what they do? I've been there. I've made (much smaller) insensitive comments or actions, only to realize or be confronted later with my mistake. The guilt causes enormous avoidance at times, increasing the appearance of insensitivity. You realize it was wrong, but you have a hard time seeing yourself as "that" person who would do that. You make excuses or hope no one notices, deny, or lie or avoid the ones who know. Its weak. I hate weakness, so I try to confront it in myself. Feeling hateful is weak. Anger is a process; a means with which to look inside yourself and grow stronger. But hate is a weakness. An endin itself. I don't want that to be my end. I would rather be angry, move through it and still try to find out why I am this way and grow stronger by learning and understanding the motivation...both mine and that in others that causes them to behave in a way that I allow myself to be affected by.