Im coming up on three years since BD, and I was thinking last night about some of the things Ive learned over the course of this journey. In some ways, it feels like only yesterday and in others, it feels like a lifetime ago.
I changed my user name this morning. My last name, Kaizen, was a Japanese word that means 'continual improvement'. I like that term as it's a reminder not to 'get complacent'. That if you stay where you are, you are really moving backwards. It was a helpful reminder to me to continue moving forward, to continue becoming the person I want to be. The new name is an acronym for "A man only a fool would leave." Im by no means suggesting that the path of continual improvement is finished. Instead, I want to remind myself of the journey Ive taken and the progress Ive made. Its about remembering the positives while also continuing to grow. I know it will be a pain in the butt for people to quote and remember, but for me, it's a healthy reminder.
Some of the thoughts I had last night about where I was and where I am now.....
One place where I feel like Ive really grown is in what I think Sandi calls 'acting like a man'. Looking back, I can see many ways in which I acted so very beta. Im not suggesting that every situation calls for hitting things with sticks or yelling, but rather that I have confidence in making decisions for myself and/or the family, that I am willing to try new things, that I can be a provider and a caretaker and so on. I remember needing my parents help to even do a moderately simple task like hanging a picture on the wall. I think it was fear of disappointing my ex or of the failure that I would feel in case there was an issue, but Ive learned that I AM capable of doing things even if there are mistakes along the way.
Another area is acting more like an equal part of a relationship. I remember my ex had many extracurricular night time activities related to her job. And on top of those, she would have other lunch or afternoon outings. Meanwhile, I never went out because either I was watching the kid(s) or when she was home, I would want to spend time with her. My life centered around the family and the home completely, and I totally lost my identity in that. Ive come to learn the value of doing things by and for myself and also in encouraging my new partner to do things by and for HERself. I remember when my ex would go out constantly watching the clock and waiting for her to come home like a sad puppy. I can see now how that isnt attractive at all on a regular basis.
I can also see how bad I was at listening. I would have a conversation with my ex about whatever was bothering and spend the whole time trying to help her that I wasnt really being of any use to her. I am sure that what she wanted was for me to listen and help her with her own thoughts vs trying to show that I could solve her problems for her. Rather than asking questions to help her decide the best actions, I think I subconsciously wanted to prove that I could do things better than she could. Ive learned a lot about validation and about listening actively.
Im sure theres more, but those were my thoughts yesterday. I was feeling proud of my progress towards becoming AMOAFWL, so I wanted to share some thoughts.
