I had mediation yesterday. We came to an agreement.
We have 50/50 custody, with alternating weeks. I got a very satisfying (and fair) share of her retirement accounts, which were much larger than mine. I'm keeping the house! I could've gotten child support from her, but she was refusing to pay me and was threatening to walk. But she is carrying the kids on her medical insurance and covering medical costs. My L tells me I can always come back later for child support.
It was a stressful experience, but not as bad as some of the horror stories I've heard from others about mediation. My L and I spent several house preparing on the prior day, so I think I had mentally walked myself through everything. When it was over and the paperwork was signed, my L told me the D could be final in a matter of days!
Money will be SUPER tight for a while for me. By the end of the year, I should be free of all my credit card debt and hopefully also have my car paid off. If I do this right I can get real control of my finances and live debt free, something I haven't been able to do since I met STBXW (odd coincidence, that).
Right now I feel a sense of relief, and some hope for the future. I've also regained something I lost last April at BD: the ability to see my own future.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Right now I feel a sense of relief, and some hope for the future. I've also regained something I lost last April at BD: the ability to see my own future.
Holding, I hope things work out for you. A divorce no matter the circumstances s*cks. However, it is what it is. I imagine it will take a year at least before you settle into your new life. Approach it with open eyes and a positive attitude.
The D hasn't happened yet. I keep waiting for it to be final. I know people say D is just a piece of paper, but to me it represents that my M is officially over and I'm (morally) free to pursue my new life. My sense of morality is very important to me, and always has been.
My anger has been mostly gone since mediation. I think a lot of it had to do with my fear of losing the house, and now that I'm able to keep it, my stress levels have gone WAY down. Plus XW (I'm gonna call her that now) has been moved out for almost 2 weeks. It's like the fog of war is lifting. Who knows if this is temporary though.
I've started moving a few things around in the house and making the place mine. I'm thinking about some goals for myself. One I've been planning for a while is learning to play piano. The other is becoming a better cook.
Things are already off to a rocky start with XW. She dropped off the kids a whole hour late on her first dropoff this weekend. No notification or anything - she just showed up late and waited in the car while the kids came in. We had some email exchanges today about the kids' medications, and I'm trying to give things a positive and friendly spin. In her latest reply she finished with "Please save the niceties. I don't need it." Who's D'ing who, again?
TBH, I'm so tired of the funky dark cloud I've been under since BD. I want to go out and find some happiness. I can see that XW is going to be a real obstacle to that, so I need to focus on not letting her bring me down with her negativity.
For a long time y'all have encouraged me to get to a place of detachment and finding my own happiness. I think I'm finally getting there. I tried before, and I just couldn't do it. I was GAL'ing, getting out, keeping busy, reconnecting with old friends, but the real happiness - deep down - never came. My mind was so clouded with everything. So thanks to everyone who's joined me on this ride. I'm sure it was frustrating to watch.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
H, [censored] we're both in the is! Same timeline as me(of course you know this) and I could have wrote this entire post verbatim. Having the XW in the house was a living hell and since she moved out things have been much easier. The real detaching and GAL'ing has begun, I thought I was but it was fake as I was just trying to keep my sanity in all this. My struggle has been with the daily stuff that my W and I shared without thought, cooking cleaning, laundry, etc.... It's all on me now, it's a big adjustment but every day it gets easier.
"Please save the niceties. I don't need it." Who's D'ing who, again?
TBH, I'm so tired of the funky dark cloud I've been under since BD. I want to go out and find some happiness. I can see that XW is going to be a real obstacle to that, so I need to focus on not letting her bring me down with her negativity.
don't do away with the niceties for her sake... how self-centered she is to think you are offering niceties because she needs it, and that you will stop because she doesn't need it... maybe you need it for your own well-being... did she ever think about that? of course not... just keep being you... stay positive... she cannot control you, your mood, your outlook... you have the right attitude...
"When you can't find the sunshine, Be the sunshine!"
It sounds like you're handling everything very well. After my XW moved out, I really enjoyed making my house "my own." My wife got all of the bedroom furniture, so one of the first things I did was build a bed. For me, it was symbolic.
As you move forward, your mind will clear and you will be happier. Good luck to you.
Holding, congrats on the successful mediation, the alternative of a long, nasty divorce battle is much worse! Glad you were able to keep the house!
Quote:
"Please save the niceties. I don't need it."
Hopefully you responded with "OK, I hope you have a great day!!" Seriously though, if I were you I would double-down on the niceties just to remind her how happy and awesome you are. If she wants to grovel in misery that's her problem.
Dusty, good to hear from you! The in-house S really is the worst. I wouldn't say the GAL was "fake", but I think it couldn't really sink in because we were so emotionally exhausted. If nothing else, it kept us sane. Maybe that was enough.
Artista, thanks for sharing your insight. Self-centeredness is her main personality trait right now. I'll try not to let her ruin my positive attitude.
Doodler, it's funny how much more relaxed I am around the house, now that it's mine. She can't just walk in any more and hang around the place like a dark cloud. My L actually wrote in the agreement that she has to ask for my permission before entering the house. It may sound petty, but it's impossible to explain how "secure" that makes me feel.
East, thanks! I need to remember that her anger is masking something else, probably fear. But this is the life she wanted, and now she has it.
AS, I'm going to continue the niceties as best as I can. I won't lie, she does have me feeling like a sucker for being nice, which is sad. And I need to remember to balance my NGS tendencies against all this. But the negativity has lost it's appeal for me. I'm so tired of it.
It's weird, since BD XW has been asking for things to be amicable, and now that we're just about done, and we came to a fair agreement, she's acting angry. I guess "amicable" was just code for "I want things my way".
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Seriously though, if I were you I would double-down on the niceties just to remind her how happy and awesome you are. If she wants to grovel in misery that's her problem.