Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Holding]

Thanks Doodler and Fastcars!

The D hasn't happened yet. I keep waiting for it to be final. I know people say D is just a piece of paper, but to me it represents that my M is officially over and I'm (morally) free to pursue my new life. My sense of morality is very important to me, and always has been.

My anger has been mostly gone since mediation. I think a lot of it had to do with my fear of losing the house, and now that I'm able to keep it, my stress levels have gone WAY down. Plus XW (I'm gonna call her that now) has been moved out for almost 2 weeks. It's like the fog of war is lifting. Who knows if this is temporary though.

I've started moving a few things around in the house and making the place mine. I'm thinking about some goals for myself. One I've been planning for a while is learning to play piano. The other is becoming a better cook.

Things are already off to a rocky start with XW. She dropped off the kids a whole hour late on her first dropoff this weekend. No notification or anything - she just showed up late and waited in the car while the kids came in. We had some email exchanges today about the kids' medications, and I'm trying to give things a positive and friendly spin. In her latest reply she finished with "Please save the niceties. I don't need it." Who's D'ing who, again?

TBH, I'm so tired of the funky dark cloud I've been under since BD. I want to go out and find some happiness. I can see that XW is going to be a real obstacle to that, so I need to focus on not letting her bring me down with her negativity.

For a long time y'all have encouraged me to get to a place of detachment and finding my own happiness. I think I'm finally getting there. I tried before, and I just couldn't do it. I was GAL'ing, getting out, keeping busy, reconnecting with old friends, but the real happiness - deep down - never came. My mind was so clouded with everything. So thanks to everyone who's joined me on this ride. I'm sure it was frustrating to watch.